I slept through class last night. Goddamnit. Admittedly, we had a guest speaker who I've seen twice before, but it's still not going to do anything good for my participation grade, and it's a 400 level class in my minor with a prof I like.
Anyway. Today I want to talk about gender, because I try to edit it out of my discussions and writings and thoughts as much as I can in other parts of my life as to not be that person who talks about one subject all the time. Believe me, i know and have been that person. So I went on a super short road trip last week with a couple friends. the sort of friends who I've had for a long time and whose friendship started as more situational (one is the daughter of my parents' longtime best friends, the other the only other blind person I know who I don't want to throw into a ditch of 'please learn social skills and stop embarrassing the rest of us'). They're also, to my knowledge, very straight, very cis girls with husbands. I, being the pansexual genderqueer who's only been in one and a half relationships and never had sex, who also happens to avoid eating meat, buying label brand clothing, or making racist/sexist/ableist jokes, means that even as i tried my hardest to fit in, I constantly, well, failed. I certainly wasn't judged out loud when I bought vintage velvet dresses or Riddler running shoes or ordered the veggie berger, or provided half-awake commentary on gay subculture, but there were also lots of comments like "I really, really wish you'd wear a pushup bra." or "You could look so pretty if you let me dress you up in trendy clothes!" or "The farther your boobs stick out, the skinnier you look, and guys like that-- do you still like guys? i know you're bisexual, but does that mean you like guys too?". And it just... they're my friends, you know? So it's a lot harder to dismiss what they say. But oh my God, if i never have to walk into another store and hear "Hi, ladies!" it will be too soon. And maybe this would be solved if I could just come out to them as genderqueer, or lose more weight or learn how to be a traditional "girl" and embrace the white middle class commercialism and various other isms and, yeah, I don't even know.
And then I came back and spent Saturday night on my own because the rest of my friends were out at a birthday party that, even though I'd been present when it was being talked about, was guys only. And, when later in the week I made a... only slightly bitchy joke to a friend about how "Oh, the new queers, those are the ones that I never get invited out with" and he replied promptly "Well you're not a gay man." Which, you know, also true. But when my two best friends split up and both went off and foudn new groups of friends that are 'gay men only', I find myself uncertain where I'm meant to find new friends now that their split has mostly dissolved our friend group.
And don't get me wrong, a lot of this has to do with ableism, too. Ever tried picking someone up in a club when you can't make eye contact, can't see if they're attractive, can't tell where your friends/the exit is in case they turn out to be a creeper? Because basically it's impossible. And tried to meet someone at an event, or through mutual friends, or whatever when societal training has taught them that disabled people are sexless, objects of pity, and/or helpless? When you live in the sort of city where not having a car can be and is an instant dealbreaker for most potential partners, let alone the idea that I'll never be able to drive and will always have to rely on public transit or the personw with a car. Because in a city like this, in any city, really, there's going to be a power imbalance between the person in the relationship with a car and the person without it, and I'm never ever going to be able to escape that.
I don't know. I realized the other day that I legitimately, deep down believe that I am never going to be in a romantic or sexual relationship. Like, it's just a thing I assume, like sure, i can dream and imagine what it'd be like, but it's never actually going to happen to me. Which is kind of depressing and kind of panic-making, and kind of, yes, makes me want to turn myself into the stereotypical straight girly girl, starve myself and buy brand name clothes that other people aproove of and express the ultimate desire for a baby/wedding/house/nine-to-five. Because then maybe someone would be able to get past the disability thing and maybe I'd get to experience sex or romance. And then the thought of a heteronormative lifestyle like that makes me want to throw up/have a panic attack/cry. And I just don't know where I am anymore, because I'm never going to be me, a pretty boy who's almost a girl but not quite, who can see and who's confident and who has friends who except him for himself, who, like seemingly every other gay guy that I know "could get sex anytime, but is looking for the perfect relationship". Because right now I am scared that i would settle for anything, simply because i am terrified that I am never going to find someone who wants me, let alone wants me for who I am.
And... wow. So that became a lot longer and a lot more personal than I intended. Um.