Clean 3

Yamamoto's picture

I know most people on here don't like me, but I would like some good critisim of what you guys think of my story... beyond simply wethier you liked it or not :P

Clean 3

White… all I could see was white. “Hey mister get up.” I felt someone poking me on the forehead as I lay on the ground, “Hey mister please wake up.” The words continued to be spoken to me by a soft voice which I didn’t recognize. I lay not wanting to move, the memories of what happened only moments before were still fresh in my mind. This time though the child like voice sounded distressed at my apathy, “Please get up mister. You can’t be dead.” As I blinked the figure looking down at me came more into focus, as did the environment around us. It quickly became apparent that what I was looking up at was no longer the roof of my home, but instead was the sky and the blinding light to which my eyes where steadily adjusting… was the sun.

As the rest of my senses caught up to my eyes in their sense of awareness, I could feel the grass against the back of my neck, and heard the soft sounds of birds. Though it was the vision which my eyes beheld as they finally gain their full use that struck me as being the most odd. It was the sight of a little girl looking down at me. Her curious face stared into mine as what seemed to be a childlike look of worry turned suddenly to excitement as I fully opened my eyes, “Oh good I am so glad you are ok. Recess is almost over and I hoped that we would have some time to play.” It was these words that finally caused me to try and sit up. I had to know if she really meant what I thought she did when she said ‘Recess’.

Indeed I was right, as I sat up I saw around me the oddest sight, especially when comparing to where I had been only moments before. I was surrounded by a school playground with little children running around and playing on the equipment in what seemed to be a dreamlike state. Their laughter filled the air around me, creating an ambiance of innocent, and purity… “Where am I?” Were the words that I finally spoke when I felt like I had fully gotten over the sudden change in my surroundings? The little girl simply laughed at me, with a cherubic little giggle, “Why you are at my school silly? Why have you been lying on the ground all recess?”

I rubbed my head as it pounded with the pangs of migraine. Had everything that had happened between me and the cat been just one bad dream? I looked over towards the girl who had by now grabbed me by the hand and was trying to get me to stand up, “Come on mister and let’s go play some before Recess is over.” I felt almost compelled to follow her, by the soft urgings in her voice. So despite my desire to remain seated I stood up, and let the odd little girl lead me on through the playground as I asked her in a curious tone, “So little girl are you going to tell me your name?” Her answer to me was one that while spoken in such an innocent voice that felt so familiar, “No I am sorry, the teachers say I am not supposed to talk to strangers.”

As she led me through the playground it didn’t take me long to notice something out of place. Sitting on the swing set swinging back and forth was another guy from my high school, Jonathan. The sight of him being here brought to my mind more questions than answers, plus along with those questions a slight blush was painted across my face. Ever since middle school I had, had a crush on him. His dark eyes and black hair that hung down almost over them had to be what I considered two of his most adorable aspects. It was strangely ironic in that moment that I remember one trait about Jonathan being his love for the stray cats that hung around the school. Looking away from him for only a moment towards the young girl to say, “Can you wait a minute…” Yet my words were cut off as I noticed out of the corner of my eye, that the swing in which he had sat only moments before… was completely empty.

“No I am sorry, we have to keep going in order to get done playing before Recess is over.” At this point I felt no reason to argue with her, especially as we came up to a doll house that looked oddly familiar. Yet I brushed off such silly notions, and decided to enjoy myself for the moment at whatever game the girl might want to play, though childish it would still give me something to get my mind off of what had happened. “So what are we going to play?” By this point, she was completely ignoring me as her little hands reached into the tiny house and pulled out two figures, that of a man and a women.

I could only guess on what the girl was thinking of in her child like mind, and hoped that it would indeed be something as innocent as ‘playing house’. She handed the male figure to me and said, “Mister we have to hide them… let’s put them right here… next to the pretty house… dig a hole and put them inside.” I looked at the girl with a sense of disbelief on my face. Had she said what I thought? Did she really intend to ‘bury’ these toys? The child was already ahead of me though, as her little fingers began to tear into the ground next to the small house. Something was wrong here, but I couldn’t place my finger on what it was. “Mister… come on, we don’t want the teachers finding my new dolls.” Looking into her almost cherubic eyes and at her now dirt covered face, I sighed and decided to go along with it…

With a soft laugh I spoke, “Alright… let’s get these hidden away then.” I decided to apply the old saying ‘ignorance is bliss’ to this moment. Something felt wrong about this whole thing, but whatever it was… I didn’t want to know. My fingers began to dig into the soft and warm earth it didn’t us long to make a hole in which the two toys could fit, and we covered them both back up… much to the excitement of my newly made friend. Who was now back on her feet, and using her shoes to make sure the ground was packed in good and tight with a little dance that made me laugh in amusement. Though as all good things, this too eventually came to an end with the ring of a bell, the sound of which startled the girl.

Grabbing me by the hand she seemed slightly frightened, “Come on mister we have to hurry… Recess is about to end. We have to make sure our hands are nice and clean.” Leading me back through the playground at a pace that was quite a bit more frantic than the one which she had lead to doll house we hurried to a water spigot which was beside the stairway leading into the school. “Come on mister, clean your hands… the teachers get made if we come inside with dirt on us.” It was at that moment that I began to wonder should I continue to follow this little girl. She was about to go into her school, and right to class. That question, was answered for me as the last bit of dirt of feel form my hands… “We must hurry mister… the teachers say it isn’t safe to be outside…” With those words I found myself being lead along, up the stairway and through the doors before the final bell singling recess’s end was rung.
As the doors shut behind me… the noise they made, sounded indeed so final. The little girl who had been leading me turned and looked back up at me said, “Well I have to get back to class mister. Our teacher says that we are not allowed to play anymore.” With those words that seemed so ominous and yet so innocent coming from this little girl, she let go of my hand and headed off to class. At this moment though, it was not the little girl who I was paying attention to, because standing right there, leaning against the lockers and staring right at me was Jonathan. I felt myself freeze up, as my withdrawn nature made it appearance in that moment. Of course in a moment were I had so many questions for him, mostly about where we were, both of being of shy type was not exactly helping.

Strangely though he was the one who approached me my blush growing darker as Jonathan drew closer, until he was standing right there in front of me. He smiled at me softly saying, “Why hello Charles… fancy meeting you here.” I could barely look him in the eye, as I stuttered out the words, “It is nice meeting you too Jonathan.” I felt so embarrassed about the blush painted on my face that I couldn’t look up to meet his gaze, especially when I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder, “Hey now Charles… is there something wrong?” The words… they just were not there, for some reason it felt like the butterflies in my stomach had grown so abundant that they had decided to clog my throat. I heard the other male laugh softly before he spoke, “Well then, maybe this can loosen those words from your throat.”

I felt his hand on my chin gently forcing me to look up into his eyes, and it was as I did that suddenly our lips met in what was a brief and tantalizing kiss, that seemed to me to last forever. Pulling back slowly, Jonathan asked, “Well?” There was only one word that I was able to muster at the moment, “Wow…” There seemed to be a sense of delight put onto the others face at my reaction, and it was shown in a smile which was something that I quite rarely saw Jonathan display. I found my hair being playfully ruffled by the other who said a playful manner that I realized was quite odd for Jonathan, “I guess we can leave it at that then darling.”

With those words he just walked right past me, leaving me standing there… completely stunned and baffled. Standing there I just stared down the hall, wondering why the hell he would just suddenly leave. Plus the unexpectedness of the entire moment still had me a little confused as well, at least until I heard a familiar voice behind me speaking as Jonathan softly spoke, “Oh Charles I did forget to mention one thing…” A smile crossed my face as I turned around to ask him what it was he wanted to say, but was met with a confusing answer… “I am sorry Charles, but none of this is real.” With those words I watched him walk out the door, but this time I didn’t just stand there. I chased after him, yelling out for Jonathan, “Wait… What do you mean by that? Jonathan… come back! Where are you going?” Yet it seemed that the more I ran the further the door got away from me, and at the same time, the more everything around me began to turn black. Slowly the color began to drain away from the world as I could feel the darkness take me, and I fell forward as I passed out.


Tycoondashkid's picture

i like you

you seem like the kinda person i would hang out with

i always love your Clean stuff its well written and very well done
you should talk all the talk in a poets style

JustCasey's picture

I like you too, you're a

I like you too, you're a unique soul trying to find himself, just like me.

Keep writing, please keep writing!


Yamamoto's picture

I just thought you guys

I just thought you guys didn't want to talk because of the fact no one was really commenting on my stories... :P Don't worry guys I am feeling fine :P...

Here at school we strangly don't seem to have a writing club that I could go to and get help on improving my stories and that was kind of the reason I didn't think anyone liked me, becuase no one seemed to be reading and saying anything about my writing :)

Tycoondashkid's picture

i think a lot of people now

suffer from im-too-lazy-to-read-a-long-postitis i hear its very common on your side of the pond
you should talk all the talk in a poets style