Confused about sexuality.

MacAvity's picture

Huh. Wonder how many times that title's been used for someone's first post. 'Cept this isn't my first post. And I'm confused in the opposite direction.

I have, of late, been disconcertingly attracted to people of the male variety, and lost much of the interest I once had in females. Some time ago I made this diagrammatic representation of sexuality, and plotted myself on it somewhere inwards of the seven-o'clock position:

Now I think I'd plot myself closer to two o'clock, and maybe a little closer to the center. And even that might be too close to 'Women are Sexy' for where I actually am now. It's scary. And it's not even in a gay way - I've been feeling more female recently than I have in quite a while. So much so that I'm tempted to go to the next Ball (not the one this coming Friday, but the next one after that) in a dress, and wondering whether I really belong in the men's bathroom after all (although not wondering hard enough to actually try using a women's room). I've finally developed a pretty healthy relationship with my vagina, so much so that, for the first time in probably ever, menstruating is an annoying obstacle to masturbation. Which means that apparently I didn't masturbate nearly enough before very, very recently. And the improvement is probably due largely if not entirely to a certain sexy man who shall not be named because I'm at the do-not-speak-of-it-directly stage of obsession, which is a stage in which all of my obsessions spend a pretty long time. Yeah.

And yes, this also all coincides with the unusually high levels of happiness I've been experiencing lately. Maybe it's just the wanking. I find it hard to believe that turning straighter would make me happier... I don't want to be straight! I came through a lot to admit I was queer, and then as soon as I'm just about completely out and transitioned and what-all, this happens? Really?

I know I've been in love with a girl.
I know I use men's restrooms.
I know I pack my pants.
I know I like staring at boobies.

So I've got to be at least a little bit bi and a little bit genderqueer, yeah? Straight girls don't do those things.

And yet.

And still I'm stupidly happy.

Comments

Dracofangxxx's picture

Ohhhhhhkay...

Or you could stop focusing on your need for labels and just be *yourself* and like who you like and whatever???

So much less complicated...
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That's redick!

jeff's picture

Labels...

...are best applied in hindsight. If you meet a guy you like, go for it. You can even go back to lesbian after having some dick. Don't overthink it.

Of course, not sure you can advise someone who creates sexuality graphs to not overthink anything. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

MacAvity's picture

Yeah, thanks.

And actions-wise, sure, that's what I'm going to do - like who I like and whatever. Although, actions-wise I suppose I'd have to be asexual by default, because no action whatsoever ever happens to me and I seem to be incapable of making it happen... which is probably my real problem. Whatever.

I just like having words to fit. I hate having to answer 'Well, I'm just kind of... whatever, I don't know,' when (as does happen) anyone asks 'How do you identify, anyway.' It's all fluid, and while I do tend to argue that it can be fluid, I ironically don't like being the living proof of that argument.

Guess there's no answer, better just go back to underthinking everything... Hey nonny nonny and a Tardis and a space panda..... (because that's pretty much how my mind goes when I'm not overthinking stuff!)

jeff's picture

Well...

Maybe you're too busy defining/avoiding your sexuality to explore it?

Also, having a label to answer that question is sort of making up a situation that is unlikely to occur. I've met boys in bars, and we start talking, then we're making out (did I forget to mention the drinking that happened before the talking? hehe), and honestly at no point did I ever stop the boy I was making out with to ask "So... are you... you know... gay?"

If in some strange coincidence someone does ask "so what are you?" Say, "I'm... into you." Done.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

MacAvity's picture

Yeah, maybe.

Except it seems to me that it's more like, in my mind I'd snog pretty much anybody who's close to my age and not, y'know, gross, but people perceive me as some sort of Vulcan. Apparently I give off 'logical and asexual' vibes even though my actual internal state is more like 'Hey nonny nonny and a Tardis and a space panda and wow that guy on the television is pretty!' And I do express that to some extent, although I sometimes catch myself expressing Vulcan instead.
You're right, though, it's completely my fault that I get no action whatsoever ever. And by none whatsoever I mean not even flirting. So, definitely my fault.

But I do occasionally get asked what I am, either genderwise or orientationwise - just not in situations where 'into you' would be appropriate, 'cause of the aforementioned none whatsoever. It's more like, when I'm hanging out in the Pride Center and people want to know where I fit into the big queer community, or what pronouns they should be using since most of them know me as the one not-cisgendered-whateverthehellAvityis. Which is a terrible label. Which is why I wish I had a better one.

Blaaaaaah......

Dracofangxxx's picture

I've got to agree with Jeff...

Just do whatever and enjoy what you want .-. I think you're letting it get in your way of just enjoying it..

You don't have to be all I'M A DEMIROMANTIC ASEXUAL WITH LESBIAN TENDENCIES or whatever because that's freaking stupid. That's complicated talk for I'm a lesbian, I'm gay, I'm straight. I didn't have a sexual interest really until I found the right guy, one that I love and takes care of me, yadda yadda... I just knew I was bisexual because I found both attractive.

If it's fluid, if you've liked males and females, I'd just say you're bisexual... If someone asks what you are, if that's best, you can like either, then go for that. You don't need to bring up the complicatedness because all it does *is* make it complicated. Really, nobody else cares about the pretentious labels except for other pretentiously labeled people... most people roll their eyes at stuff like that...
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That's redick!

MacAvity's picture

Yeah, agreed.

And I do hate the pretentious labels, absolutely I do. And I don't want to bore anyone by going into blah blah blah five words just to define and then explain forever about what those words mean. I hate that. Gay, straight, bi, or asexual, boy or girl, those are the options, and I just want to be one from each category and have done with it. And I've been calling myself bi, and hoping it's true - because I know how the real bisexuals hate the girls who call themselves bi but really aren't very into girls. I don't want to be one of those but my fear is that that is what I am. That's my confusion.

jeff's picture

Err...

Queer?

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Dracofangxxx's picture

Bi girls only hate girls who say they're bi...

We don't like girls who only "like" girls when they're drunk or pressured into it ;) There's a difference... if you like girls, you like girls. But if you DON'T, we don't like people pretending for the attention...
-
That's redick!

jeff's picture

Eh...

If they like girls when they're drunk, part of them likes girls when they're sober. I've never gotten so drunk, I was cruising girls.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Dracofangxxx's picture

Hm.

It's apparent to me that, for example, if you're at a party, and you get drunk, and some guy is hitting on you and asks you to make out with your friend, some girls would probably do it.

and then call themselves bi because that's "hot".
-
That's redick!

centerfielder08's picture

I want to say not to

I want to say not to overthink things, but I know that saying that is one thing and doing that is a whole other thing. Its not as simple as that.

I have been having a somewhat similar experience. I identify as a lesbian still (sort of) and if I'm coming out to someone, usually I'll just say I'm lesbian (unless I know them better, when I'm more likely to come out as trans*). However, at the same time, even though all along I've felt like I don't find guys attractive much, sometimes, I identify as a gay boy. It is very strange and confusing.

And as you said, after taking so long to come to terms with being queer and genderqueer, to start to question all that which you thought you knew is really unnerving. I just want to say I am most definitely here if you want to talk about any of this, ok?

And as for genderqueerity....YAY :D

~Eli.