This is the 1st time I ever talked to a soul about this. I have had this on my mind for some time now. I read a few articles about similar situations before that motivated me to write about me for the first time. Only through the anonymity of the internet can I find relief to talk about my sexual.....well......things. So, I registered, and here I am. Again, you, internet strangers, are the first I talk to about this. All of the following, I never told anyone about. Until now.
My purpose of writing this is to find if I'm a perfectly straight man with various sex fantasies (gay ones included), a bisexual, a heterosexual pervert, bisexual pervert, just a pervert, or simply a unique freak or some kind.
Before I go into my sexual history, let me preface it by this: I'm 25 years old, and I'm still a virgin. That's right. I've never been intimate with a person before. Where I live, religious and social norms deeply frown on homosexuality, and only allow sex within marriage. I know what many would say about how religion and society interfere with one's quest to identify their sexual orientation. But reality is, I'm a religious man on some level, but that level didn't stop me from doing what you are going to read, but it has been a source of my struggle and suffering. If non-marital sex was accepted in my society and I had access to it, I would have done all kinds of things a long time ago. But I accept these norms. I'm currently in the process of trying to find the right woman for me. The one I can connect with not just physically but emotionally. And put what I'm going to type behind me as a past and look forward for tomorrow, but I guess I'm really looking for a label for myself. An explanation. Not for anyone's sake but my own. I know many would frown on black and white sort of labels like straightforward gay or straight, but if such a label is impossible in my case. An explanation to the things I did, that you are about to read.
1st grade: One day while watching cartoons alone, this came to me like that light bulb that lights over someone's head in cartoons: Why don't I insert a finger in my anus??!!! Out of the blue exactly like that. I liked the idea because it is kinky. Weird. So, I looked around to ensure privacy, and inserted my right index in it. It was sweaty. I kept it there for a few minutes. swirled it around the inside, and then removed it. I washed my hands afterwards. Can you imagine me remembering something like this from so long ago? I repeated this about 2 more times.
8th grade (12 yrs old): Bored from studying, wanting a getaway from school and all of it, the light bulb went off again: Why don't you revive your old habit of inserting a finger in your anus? That led to a daily shower that acted as a recluse, and involved inserting a finger briefly in my anus. This evolved to the stick of a toothpick, and, as I began to explore sexuality, the stick of a mop that had a handle as thick as an average human penis. I remember back then, I lived in a country with strong censorship on internet porn. But some of those websites weren't blocked, and I had some access to hardcore images and vids depicting penetration. Really wanting to know the feeling a woman gets from being penetrated, I shoved the handle of that mop in me. I remember seeing blood and feces when i removed it, but I rinsed and proceeded again. This procedure continued until I finished high school. Whenever I felt like masturbating and had some time, I used the mop. It is worth noting that the high school I went to had alot of gay kids. Not openly of course, but they always were disgusting. They always made it appear like they were sex-starved predators wanting a piece of a guy's boob or ass. They never showed there could be passionate love or intimacy between 2 guys. No, it's one guy preying on the other. One very dominant. The other the exact opposite. I continued to perform anal penetrations on myself at the time, but I felt that what I was doing was on a much higher level than being a primate wanting a prey, and not one of them ever got me sexually excited. Nor have I ever displayed any sign I would want any sexual favors form any of them.
From 8th grade all the way until 12th, I was getting more and more access to porn. Learning more and more about the kinky and taboo. Gay and lesbian porn were more exciting because of its status as more forbidden and unusual than a man doing a woman (especially lesbian sex). Threesomes and more unusual porn was more arousing.
In 8th grade, I used to go to a gym at a local club. It was generally empty that time of day. I used to jerk off in its bathroom for no other reason than it was more exciting to do it in a public place. In this club as well, I met a pedophile. Of course, I didn't know he was such until I grew up and understood the nature of his actions at the time. He worked at a reception desk. We typically met before I went for my workout. Can't remember when exactly sex came up, but it did. He told me about how he lost his virginity. He trusted me enough to show me a stack of porn magazines he had hidden that involved disgusting porn (men peeing in women's mouths), and while we were talking and me examining his porn collection, he would touch, rub, squeeze by penis and ass. Being the horny, ignorant kid exploring sex that I was, this was all exciting, and I didn't object not once. Not when he asked me if I feel comfortable. I'm grateful our "relationship" ended quickly for external circumstances. He never got to raping me, and I'll never, ever forgive him.
My family was a deep sexual interest for me since I began masturbating until about age 19. My mother was my 1st sexual interest. I masturbated to me and her doing all kinds of things many times. One time I dared to touch her breast in a way I tried to make casual, but clearly had other intentions. Realizing I was a horny kid, she didn't respond but scolded me lightly. But it was what I did once to my sister that I never forgive myself ever for doing. Very much young and horny and delusional, I found her to be hot. I had my share of fantasies about her. Fantasies so strong I once groped her. She was young but felt something is wrong, and it showed. It created a barrier between us that prevented us from having a proper sibling relationship for a long time. Her walking on me masturbating to porn a few times didn't help either. But I'm glad to report I won her back as my trusted sister in those recent years. I became older and so did she. We grew closer and more understanding of each other, and of course, she seized to be a sexual object a long time ago.
Having finished high school at age 17, I left the country I was in and went back to my home country to go to college. In my home country there is no censorship on anything. As such, the whole internet was open to me. The sexual curiosity and vigor were at their peak. That's where I learned of the existence of a person that has got me obsessed for a long time, and still am fascinated by them: Shemales. Transsexuals. A person that looks every bit like a woman: Big breasts, lips, hair, ass. But of course, a massive penis. The idea of the best of both worlds. The idea of a woman literally banging another woman. Or the total reversal of roles: A woman banging a man. This was the ultimate kinky forbidden taboo ever!!
As I'm sure you have noticed by now, it is unusual porn that gets me really off. A simple video of a man penetrating a woman vaginally or anally simply no longer does it. Some of them are really good though and are more than satisfying, but after shemale porn, I just can't go back. You can imaging how I felt watching my first vid of shemale porn. It was 15-sec clip of a shemale banging some old guy. Since then, I watched countless full-length shemale porn of all possible variations. At those times, I would have given anything up just to have a shemale ram me with her huge cock, and to ram her back. To be with one was an ultimate dream. I found better, bigger objects to insert in my ass for added pleasure while watching these vids. The fascination turned into addiction, into obsession it damn well near destroyed me. It went so far I found the ultimate replacement for a human penis which I couldn't get: A cucumber thicker and longer than the average penis. This is ofcourse very forbidden and I fought with the idea very hard, but the urges to try were too intense, and I finally caved in to my desires. As I grew older, and read more about sex, I discovered the "male G spot" behind the prostate. A number of times using the cucumber, I tried stimulating it to get a feel of what a gay man must feel being penetrated. I remember using alot of lubricant. Assuming multiple positions, I deeply thrusted myself while masturbating to get the feel. After a few minutes, I would climax. My climax doing this is more vigorous than usual with significantly more release. But after I calm down, I don't feel like thrusting anymore, and almost immediately remove the cucumber.
By now, you might be wondering a few things. Where does religion fit in all of this? Well, many times when I was exploring, after masturbation, I would feel shame. Shame is magnified when I try to hold myself but fail. All of these doing are wrong. I know they are. I will never acknowledge them as right. And for the last 5 maybe 6 years, everytime I watch porn and/or penetrate myself, especially with cucumber, I feel very deep shame. I resort to prayer and repent for these sins and seek forgiveness. Please, I have nothing against gay men. Everyone has the right to do whatever the hell they wanna do. Hell I've done my share of things I'm not perfect. But I was brought up to believe, and I do believe, that my actions are wrong. You can imagine a never ending cycle of doing this-repenting-trying not to do it again-failing (after a few days, weeks, maybe months, even penetration I managed to forget about that for years)-doing it again.
Another question you will ask. The answer is: NO. I have never seen a man in my life that got me sexually excited. Even what women may call "very handsome". Not one guy I've ever met got me thinking I wanna see this guy naked. I wanna give him a blowjob. I want him to enter me. I'm alone and I let my mind run wild, I get all kinds of sexual fantasies ( all kinds of gay/shemale/lesbian/straight). Gay sex in my mind is very appealing. But in real life the idea never ever clicks. It kinda feels repulsive too. If not then neutral. When I walk in malls/streets etc... I stare at women and girls. I stare at their breasts. Boy do I love big round breasts. I stare at asses and undress them mentally. Not once did I ever do any of that with a guy. There was this friend I had who I imagined having sex with, but when he's in front of my eyes he really can be repulsive. No feelings towards him at all.
Are you wondering why not engage in heterosexual and homosexual sex at least once to help with identifying my sexual identity? As I said, religious and social norms that I embrace and believe in. I could easily cast them aside for once and go for it, but I will feel that I have really fallen, and that I'm a hopeless case. I probably won't ever forgive myself for breaking one of the ultimate forbiddens: Non-marital sex, or gay sex. Again, no contradiction between that and what anyone chooses to do. Also, as curious as I am to try gay sex even once, where will I find that gay understanding guy who will give me the full experience and satisfy my curiosity? I left my home country now and seeking a job in another one also with similar norms. If I get discovered having gay sex by law enforcement, it will be the end of my career here, and my family....You literally cannot to begin to comprehend what will happen to them.
I've been typing for some time now and I'm tired. Sorry if this was too long, but I've never said this or written it down be4. There is still a bit more but I'm sure you get the picture well.
What do you think? What am I? What should I do in your opinion?
Thanks for reading.