Confused about sexuality. What exactly am I??

bigash's picture

Hello strangers...

This is the 1st time I ever talked to a soul about this. I have had this on my mind for some time now. I read a few articles about similar situations before that motivated me to write about me for the first time. Only through the anonymity of the internet can I find relief to talk about my sexual.....well......things. So, I registered, and here I am. Again, you, internet strangers, are the first I talk to about this. All of the following, I never told anyone about. Until now.

My purpose of writing this is to find if I'm a perfectly straight man with various sex fantasies (gay ones included), a bisexual, a heterosexual pervert, bisexual pervert, just a pervert, or simply a unique freak or some kind.

Before I go into my sexual history, let me preface it by this: I'm 25 years old, and I'm still a virgin. That's right. I've never been intimate with a person before. Where I live, religious and social norms deeply frown on homosexuality, and only allow sex within marriage. I know what many would say about how religion and society interfere with one's quest to identify their sexual orientation. But reality is, I'm a religious man on some level, but that level didn't stop me from doing what you are going to read, but it has been a source of my struggle and suffering. If non-marital sex was accepted in my society and I had access to it, I would have done all kinds of things a long time ago. But I accept these norms. I'm currently in the process of trying to find the right woman for me. The one I can connect with not just physically but emotionally. And put what I'm going to type behind me as a past and look forward for tomorrow, but I guess I'm really looking for a label for myself. An explanation. Not for anyone's sake but my own. I know many would frown on black and white sort of labels like straightforward gay or straight, but if such a label is impossible in my case. An explanation to the things I did, that you are about to read.

Here goes.....

1st grade: One day while watching cartoons alone, this came to me like that light bulb that lights over someone's head in cartoons: Why don't I insert a finger in my anus??!!! Out of the blue exactly like that. I liked the idea because it is kinky. Weird. So, I looked around to ensure privacy, and inserted my right index in it. It was sweaty. I kept it there for a few minutes. swirled it around the inside, and then removed it. I washed my hands afterwards. Can you imagine me remembering something like this from so long ago? I repeated this about 2 more times.

8th grade (12 yrs old): Bored from studying, wanting a getaway from school and all of it, the light bulb went off again: Why don't you revive your old habit of inserting a finger in your anus? That led to a daily shower that acted as a recluse, and involved inserting a finger briefly in my anus. This evolved to the stick of a toothpick, and, as I began to explore sexuality, the stick of a mop that had a handle as thick as an average human penis. I remember back then, I lived in a country with strong censorship on internet porn. But some of those websites weren't blocked, and I had some access to hardcore images and vids depicting penetration. Really wanting to know the feeling a woman gets from being penetrated, I shoved the handle of that mop in me. I remember seeing blood and feces when i removed it, but I rinsed and proceeded again. This procedure continued until I finished high school. Whenever I felt like masturbating and had some time, I used the mop. It is worth noting that the high school I went to had alot of gay kids. Not openly of course, but they always were disgusting. They always made it appear like they were sex-starved predators wanting a piece of a guy's boob or ass. They never showed there could be passionate love or intimacy between 2 guys. No, it's one guy preying on the other. One very dominant. The other the exact opposite. I continued to perform anal penetrations on myself at the time, but I felt that what I was doing was on a much higher level than being a primate wanting a prey, and not one of them ever got me sexually excited. Nor have I ever displayed any sign I would want any sexual favors form any of them.

From 8th grade all the way until 12th, I was getting more and more access to porn. Learning more and more about the kinky and taboo. Gay and lesbian porn were more exciting because of its status as more forbidden and unusual than a man doing a woman (especially lesbian sex). Threesomes and more unusual porn was more arousing.

In 8th grade, I used to go to a gym at a local club. It was generally empty that time of day. I used to jerk off in its bathroom for no other reason than it was more exciting to do it in a public place. In this club as well, I met a pedophile. Of course, I didn't know he was such until I grew up and understood the nature of his actions at the time. He worked at a reception desk. We typically met before I went for my workout. Can't remember when exactly sex came up, but it did. He told me about how he lost his virginity. He trusted me enough to show me a stack of porn magazines he had hidden that involved disgusting porn (men peeing in women's mouths), and while we were talking and me examining his porn collection, he would touch, rub, squeeze by penis and ass. Being the horny, ignorant kid exploring sex that I was, this was all exciting, and I didn't object not once. Not when he asked me if I feel comfortable. I'm grateful our "relationship" ended quickly for external circumstances. He never got to raping me, and I'll never, ever forgive him.

My family was a deep sexual interest for me since I began masturbating until about age 19. My mother was my 1st sexual interest. I masturbated to me and her doing all kinds of things many times. One time I dared to touch her breast in a way I tried to make casual, but clearly had other intentions. Realizing I was a horny kid, she didn't respond but scolded me lightly. But it was what I did once to my sister that I never forgive myself ever for doing. Very much young and horny and delusional, I found her to be hot. I had my share of fantasies about her. Fantasies so strong I once groped her. She was young but felt something is wrong, and it showed. It created a barrier between us that prevented us from having a proper sibling relationship for a long time. Her walking on me masturbating to porn a few times didn't help either. But I'm glad to report I won her back as my trusted sister in those recent years. I became older and so did she. We grew closer and more understanding of each other, and of course, she seized to be a sexual object a long time ago.

Having finished high school at age 17, I left the country I was in and went back to my home country to go to college. In my home country there is no censorship on anything. As such, the whole internet was open to me. The sexual curiosity and vigor were at their peak. That's where I learned of the existence of a person that has got me obsessed for a long time, and still am fascinated by them: Shemales. Transsexuals. A person that looks every bit like a woman: Big breasts, lips, hair, ass. But of course, a massive penis. The idea of the best of both worlds. The idea of a woman literally banging another woman. Or the total reversal of roles: A woman banging a man. This was the ultimate kinky forbidden taboo ever!!

As I'm sure you have noticed by now, it is unusual porn that gets me really off. A simple video of a man penetrating a woman vaginally or anally simply no longer does it. Some of them are really good though and are more than satisfying, but after shemale porn, I just can't go back. You can imaging how I felt watching my first vid of shemale porn. It was 15-sec clip of a shemale banging some old guy. Since then, I watched countless full-length shemale porn of all possible variations. At those times, I would have given anything up just to have a shemale ram me with her huge cock, and to ram her back. To be with one was an ultimate dream. I found better, bigger objects to insert in my ass for added pleasure while watching these vids. The fascination turned into addiction, into obsession it damn well near destroyed me. It went so far I found the ultimate replacement for a human penis which I couldn't get: A cucumber thicker and longer than the average penis. This is ofcourse very forbidden and I fought with the idea very hard, but the urges to try were too intense, and I finally caved in to my desires. As I grew older, and read more about sex, I discovered the "male G spot" behind the prostate. A number of times using the cucumber, I tried stimulating it to get a feel of what a gay man must feel being penetrated. I remember using alot of lubricant. Assuming multiple positions, I deeply thrusted myself while masturbating to get the feel. After a few minutes, I would climax. My climax doing this is more vigorous than usual with significantly more release. But after I calm down, I don't feel like thrusting anymore, and almost immediately remove the cucumber.

By now, you might be wondering a few things. Where does religion fit in all of this? Well, many times when I was exploring, after masturbation, I would feel shame. Shame is magnified when I try to hold myself but fail. All of these doing are wrong. I know they are. I will never acknowledge them as right. And for the last 5 maybe 6 years, everytime I watch porn and/or penetrate myself, especially with cucumber, I feel very deep shame. I resort to prayer and repent for these sins and seek forgiveness. Please, I have nothing against gay men. Everyone has the right to do whatever the hell they wanna do. Hell I've done my share of things I'm not perfect. But I was brought up to believe, and I do believe, that my actions are wrong. You can imagine a never ending cycle of doing this-repenting-trying not to do it again-failing (after a few days, weeks, maybe months, even penetration I managed to forget about that for years)-doing it again.

Another question you will ask. The answer is: NO. I have never seen a man in my life that got me sexually excited. Even what women may call "very handsome". Not one guy I've ever met got me thinking I wanna see this guy naked. I wanna give him a blowjob. I want him to enter me. I'm alone and I let my mind run wild, I get all kinds of sexual fantasies ( all kinds of gay/shemale/lesbian/straight). Gay sex in my mind is very appealing. But in real life the idea never ever clicks. It kinda feels repulsive too. If not then neutral. When I walk in malls/streets etc... I stare at women and girls. I stare at their breasts. Boy do I love big round breasts. I stare at asses and undress them mentally. Not once did I ever do any of that with a guy. There was this friend I had who I imagined having sex with, but when he's in front of my eyes he really can be repulsive. No feelings towards him at all.

Are you wondering why not engage in heterosexual and homosexual sex at least once to help with identifying my sexual identity? As I said, religious and social norms that I embrace and believe in. I could easily cast them aside for once and go for it, but I will feel that I have really fallen, and that I'm a hopeless case. I probably won't ever forgive myself for breaking one of the ultimate forbiddens: Non-marital sex, or gay sex. Again, no contradiction between that and what anyone chooses to do. Also, as curious as I am to try gay sex even once, where will I find that gay understanding guy who will give me the full experience and satisfy my curiosity? I left my home country now and seeking a job in another one also with similar norms. If I get discovered having gay sex by law enforcement, it will be the end of my career here, and my family....You literally cannot to begin to comprehend what will happen to them.

I've been typing for some time now and I'm tired. Sorry if this was too long, but I've never said this or written it down be4. There is still a bit more but I'm sure you get the picture well.

What do you think? What am I? What should I do in your opinion?

Thanks for reading.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Too many things to unpack here as far as diving your sexuality: religion, sexual molestation, sexualizing family members, and interest in various sexual fetishes...

Not sure what to tell you, really.

My sense is that your religion is playing too big a role here. It makes your porn into a temptation, despite what is happening. It prevents you from experimenting sexually to figure things out. And it probably makes you hope that you will never be homosexual. So, that kind of makes it hard to figure out what anything else really means, since everything is filtered through the lens of religion.

As for ass play, that's the least telling part. There are straight guys who have girlfriends who strap on a dildo and fuck them. Anal sex isn't gay. There are straight boys into ass play and gays who don't like it. Doesn't mean anything. Now, if you want a male friend to be fucking you, or imagine other males doing this, then that would be different. The closest you get are "shemales," a term for which you may get lectured on here, but not from me.

To me, that seems the most interesting bit. That is where the illusion of a female seemed to let you admit you really wanted some cock. You really seemed to like the cock when it looked like a girl and had breasts. But again, could just be a naughty forbidden thing from religion.

You said your culture or somesuch frowns on pre-marital sex and gays... how are they on therapy? ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

bigash's picture

Reply to jeff

Thnx for the speedy response. Didn't actually expect to get one so soon.

If some of this sounds repetitive please bare with me.

Yes, if it weren't for religion and norms, I would definitely have gone W-I-L-D. Boy oh boy I would've. But thinking about it, it isn't really religion that has helped me abstain from sex until now and never go forward with anything. It's me. My own self.....

You know what I did last night after writing this article and preparing for bed? I let my mind wander. I imagined myself having somehow found that understanding gay partner and met him in his apartment. I imagined me and him talking on a sofa before starting to feel each other up and eventually go all the way. Fantasizing about this my heart was really racing. I mean pounding like I just ran 1/2 a KM. For obvious reasons I have trust issues regarding such a thing: Is he really what he is, or does he wanna somehow drug me to rob me? Is he for real or some undercover cop? Will we really be private? Is he filming us to try and extort me later? Does he have STD? But the bigger reason why my heart was pounding was this: Say none of that is true and I get the ultimate opportunity to explore homosexuality as I please, will I really go thru with it, or back down at the last second?

Reality is. While I will never know unless I'm presented with such a perfect opportunity, I truly don't think I'll do it. Between wanting to do it to get it outta my system and my mind and body rejecting the idea, I believe the latter will win. Just like with my next door neighbor. The hottest girl I've ever seen and I've seen many. I can't remember wanting anything more than her body. To make all of her mine. Every guy has an embodiment of the ultimate female body. She conformed to all of it (having such an embodiment really means I'm mainly hetero right?). Of course for obvious reasons I never got her. She refused even being friends on Facebook coz we're "neighbors". If she were to hand herself to me on a gold platter, I still believe I may not go through with it, and she is still the one I desired the most. Yesterday BTW the fantasy about gay sex was so strong I seriously considered to mention where I am on the odd chance someone will read this in my city who is willing to let me experiment homosexuality.

Today, I went to the market to get some things. I took this as a good opportunity to confirm my homosexual fantasies: Nope. Once again, many young and older men of various colors, shapes, sizes etc......The idea in real life still doesn't feel right. It doesn't click. EXCEPT, one teenage boy I saw with his father. I felt nothing towards the father even though he seems good looking, but the boy had the looks that many girls will describe as "hot"or "cute". A bit feminine TBH. That's the thing: When I think about it, porn that depicted a very dominant sex monster ravaging a helpless, totally submissive partner were turn offs for me. But sex that began slow with appropriate music. Both of them talking it slow and passionate. Becoming more vigorous until the end where they climax, ya, that my kinda thing. Thinking about it, maybe the only type of guy that I can imagine myself being with ( but still probably not considering it seriously), is a feminine-looking teenager with no bodily hair and very little experience. I always feel I need to connect a bit with someone before I can be intimate with them. Just a bit of passion and liking in the minimum, not just wild banging. Gay fantasies with such a teen are the strongest. I still didn't feel much about undressing the boy, but imagining it as I type now, I have an erection.

As for the term shemale. I certainly never meant to offend anyone. Sorry if I did. No offense intended. I was just describing a transsexual porn actress.

As for therapy, like everywhere else, some think "you go to the shrink coz you're crazy", others are much open to the idea.

Again, I still haven't received an explanation as to my sexual.....things. You may not approve of labels, but WTF do u call someone like me? I mean, you have to be screwed up in the head to think and do that right? If not, then what??!

Thnx again.

bigash's picture

Final words.

To whom it may concern....

Thnx to jeff for his response. This will be the last time I write here or visit this forum.

My final conclusion is: Yep, definitely hetero. I went to the mall and the movies tonight. Checked out 20+ women and girls. Boobs, asses you name it. Not one guy, again. I couldn't bring myself to check out any guy's penis or ass. The movie had a male teenage hero that I could possible be intimate with. The likes of him are the closest I can see myself with. But as soon as I saw the female teen hero. Oh yes, definitely hetero. Now these are boobs I'd wanna suck. That's an ass I could fuck, not him.

I guess I'm just a perfectly heterosexual man with weird, sometimes really perverted fantasies. But I know better. I know myself better.
I don't dare to experiment in real life. The fantasy lives only in the head and it shall remain there until I marry the person I love and just go wild then. It's worth the wait. Experimenting is very high risk, and even if 100% safe, my body won't allow it and even if it did, I'll regret it for a very, very long time.

What do I intend to do? Hopefully if things work out, I'll have settled in my new job. There is a girl I'm interested in right now. I'll pursue a proper, healthy relationship with her. One that hopefully ,if all goes well, has a happy ending. And put all of this madness behind. Hopefully for good.

I know many will disapprove of this wanting me to explore and not be quick to label myself. And if possible not to use any at all, just be me. But this is my choice now. I'm determined, and I don't wanna go back. I want tomorrow to be better, and this is one way to make it so. My mind is set.

I wanna thank oasis journals for giving me room to talk about this. This that I never ever thought I'd say even to total strangers. I'm much better simply thanks to the fact I wrote this and got it outta my chest.

Good night, and good luck.

Dracofangxxx's picture

I would have to say that...

We're kinda alike, in the whole "the weirder it is, the more I like it" train.

So I'd say that you're probably bisexual or possibly gay, and definitely a pervert ;) But who isn't?

But really? Don't necesarrily have to have a label. Just let your sexuality flow and don't worry 'bout it. Complicates things unnecesarrily, I think :] Just be a normal dude and date who you wanna and screw what you wanna as long as you don't hurt anyone (unless they want you to) and I think everything will be fine :P
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That's redick!