did anyone feel better before they came out?

metroman's picture

I’m not sure what to do, and I don’t see any light at the end of a tunnel. I was happy and outgoing before i came out. I didn’t mind looking queer when I was straight, but for some reason, I’m only comfortable looking real manly now. I was never that way before, and don’t understand what went wrong. I do feel normal now, which is nice, but I miss my old fun self.
It been 3 years of feeling like this.
I’ve known I was gay since I was a little kid, and hated myself for it my entire life. Fell in love with a girl at 18 years old & happily married for many years. During that time I would cry sometimes when alone & dream of being held by another guy, but quickly hate myself for the feelings. I could have lived with her my entire life, but she decided to end it and find herself. I stayed alone for a few years. I tried to talk to my family about my gay feelings & they went ballistic on me. My dad cried & my sister went off on me. my brother told me that I would be better off dead, that I was a disgrace. Before this i would have said the my family is very close, and we have unconditional love for each other. After 6 months of therapy to help me come out, and the awful phone messages from my family, I quit and went back into the closet. I stayed single another few years, and met this real cool girl that didn’t really like guys, but we fell in love. We dated for around 6 months and I couldn’t go any further & cried and broke it off. A year later, we got back together and eventually married. I had the best 5 years of my life with her. We liked all the same things, music, art, colors, dance antiques, design. We had tons of friends and always big artsy parties at out place. After 5 years she ended it. Once again I was out in the open and scared. I honestly didn’t feel I did anything wrong, I was faithful and would have been with my wife forever. But for some reason, they always feel that something deep in the inner core is missing and start to blame themselves. I couldn’t stand to see another person cry because of me & came out to everyone. My x wives are now my best friends. It went well, and all my friends were very cool with it. But for some reason, I didn’t feel the same with anyone including myself. Before I came out I would wear anything, and always had a great time. Now I seem to dress it all down, and have become more manly. I met a great guy and fell in love. Its been over a year and a half. We don’t live together but see each other almost everyday.
We don’t have any gay friends, and I feel “off” around my straight friends. I try & push myself to go out and do things with friends, but I feel like the guy I was died. I wish I could feel like I did when I was straight.
I feel normal, but uptight and dead.

Yamamoto's picture

I know exactlly what you

I know exactlly what you mean... I can't explian it, but it is like once you come out, you feel like you want to take it back, but can't. Especially if you have told a bunch of people :(.... So yeah I feel the exact same way...

jeff's picture

Well...

You said you hated being gay your entire life... you never mentioned how and when that changed. Not wanting to live a straight lie is not the equivalent of embracing a gay life.

If you're butching it up now that people know you're gay, then it seems like you still need to work on the internalized homophobia.

And, in some ways, the guy you were before was basically constructed of lies, and he did die in some regard. But underneath all of that is pretty much the same person.

You went from lying to not lying, the next step is living. And stop focusing on who you were before, because when you do that you're just romanticizing your fictional life over your actual one.

Ultimately, you already learned that lying doesn't work, that pretend straight relationships don't work. If your friends are truly your friends, your vitality and happiness are what they wish for, the only one making this about your sexuality is probably you.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

MacAvity's picture

Question -

You say you fell in love with women, yes? Doesn't that kind of make you... not gay? Maybe bi?

hellonwheels's picture

I definitely feel like that some of the time

I still haven't come out to the majority of my family, as many of them are fairly conservative, but when it comes to those I did tell, sometimes I regret it.

I mean, I have always been a socially awkward person, for many reasons throughout my life, and have had a difficult time with trust issues.

However, when i came out to my mom last year, I was elated. for the first month or two, it was like a weight was finally off of my shoulders...yet, it was not.

the other night, she and I had an argument that was fairly intense, and during that time, she screamed at me, you need to get off this woe-is-me because I'm gay horse that you are riding and man up and own it.

that was pretty harsh. It may have been true, but harsh. that is also the reason i held off on telling her for so long, because in moments like that, she doesn't think, and words like that, secrets like that, just come out off her mouth.

so idk.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Meow's picture

May I just say, reading that

May I just say, reading that line, "you need to get off this woe is me because I'm gay horse that you are riding on and man up and own it," , really put things into perspective for me, personally. It's harsh, but it's exactly what must be done?

anarchist's picture

Ha!

I've never ridden that horse. I've never seen my sexual orientation as a problem or anything. Just my sexual orientation. Why would I give a single fuck about what turns me on? I wish everybody would think like that.

hellonwheels's picture

yeah, it would seem that way...

It is definitely harsh, as is typical of my mom and my family, but you know. it's also real, and true.

For me, I will admit not all of my depression stems from being gay, but certainly a fair amount of it does.

Being gay, sometimes, according to society, we allow it to define us too much.

In reality, as pointed out by my friend mike once, it is just another character trait.

I have brown hair, I have short legs, I have blue eyes, I am gay....etc.

but sadly, in modern society, we rarely see it this way.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Meow's picture

A lot of people do, but a

A lot of people do, but a lot more don't. I think the thing is to see it that way personally, that way what other people think would be less of a bother.

JustCasey's picture

My parents actually outed me

My parents actually outed me when they realized that if I was !!!!!BOYCRAZY!!!! when they thought I was a girl and was still that way learning I'm actually male...2+2=4.

My dad handled it really well, my mom thought it had something to do with me being brought up to be a girl, thinking I was a girl and should be attracted to boys...by the time I learned I was male it was too late for me to develop an attraction to females.

Or-as I see it-denial.

Casey

anarchist's picture

Coming out changed so much for me.

Before, I was naïve and almost comparable to one of those people who mindlessly accept everything society tells them. I was always an atheist, and mostly liberal, accepting of homosexuality my entire life (yes, I was aware of it longer than I can remember), but I was against cannabis and profanity and stuff. (I still don't like the former, as it is still damaging to health, an escape from reality, etc.) I was also a lot more into scholarly stuff and studying independent subjects, mostly linguistics and comparative religion.
After I came out (the final part of the whole "I'm gay" thing), I guess I subconsciously thought Well, society was wrong when it told me that I'm going to marry a wife and have a family and shit. Let's see what else it's wrong about. I questioned everything a lot more. First profanity, then drugs, then I got into anti-art, like Merzbow, Big City Orchestra, and later Dadaism. I also questioned philosophy and came to the conclusion that nothing exists and there is nothing wrong with murder as long as it doesn't bother me, and stuff, but I'm digressing.
What's weird is almost immediately after I came out, I almost completely lost interest in the scholarly subjects, and became much more interested in music. That's how I became the person I am now. That realization process changed my entire life.

Tycoondashkid's picture

i can't believe how similar

i can't believe how similar it is to me, except the murder part of course