I’m not sure what to do, and I don’t see any light at the end of a tunnel. I was happy and outgoing before i came out. I didn’t mind looking queer when I was straight, but for some reason, I’m only comfortable looking real manly now. I was never that way before, and don’t understand what went wrong. I do feel normal now, which is nice, but I miss my old fun self.
It been 3 years of feeling like this.
I’ve known I was gay since I was a little kid, and hated myself for it my entire life. Fell in love with a girl at 18 years old & happily married for many years. During that time I would cry sometimes when alone & dream of being held by another guy, but quickly hate myself for the feelings. I could have lived with her my entire life, but she decided to end it and find herself. I stayed alone for a few years. I tried to talk to my family about my gay feelings & they went ballistic on me. My dad cried & my sister went off on me. my brother told me that I would be better off dead, that I was a disgrace. Before this i would have said the my family is very close, and we have unconditional love for each other. After 6 months of therapy to help me come out, and the awful phone messages from my family, I quit and went back into the closet. I stayed single another few years, and met this real cool girl that didn’t really like guys, but we fell in love. We dated for around 6 months and I couldn’t go any further & cried and broke it off. A year later, we got back together and eventually married. I had the best 5 years of my life with her. We liked all the same things, music, art, colors, dance antiques, design. We had tons of friends and always big artsy parties at out place. After 5 years she ended it. Once again I was out in the open and scared. I honestly didn’t feel I did anything wrong, I was faithful and would have been with my wife forever. But for some reason, they always feel that something deep in the inner core is missing and start to blame themselves. I couldn’t stand to see another person cry because of me & came out to everyone. My x wives are now my best friends. It went well, and all my friends were very cool with it. But for some reason, I didn’t feel the same with anyone including myself. Before I came out I would wear anything, and always had a great time. Now I seem to dress it all down, and have become more manly. I met a great guy and fell in love. Its been over a year and a half. We don’t live together but see each other almost everyday.
We don’t have any gay friends, and I feel “off” around my straight friends. I try & push myself to go out and do things with friends, but I feel like the guy I was died. I wish I could feel like I did when I was straight.
I feel normal, but uptight and dead.