I've been out to my mother as genderqueer/FTM femme for about 3 months and we've been talking about it quite a lot, but she still refuses to use my preferred pronouns.
In our last talk, I finally set it as a boundary for me.
"I can tell you're trying to help me, and that you're trying to understand and that's awesome. But if you want to help me, this is how to do it. I really do need you to call me by either "he" or "they". It's not just a want, it's a need".
Aaaand it didn't go well. She still refuses to do it. Say's "it's belittling me" and that "it's like calling a horse a mule!". Also she's saying a lot of generally transphobic/malephobic things... so the pronouns aren't the only issue.
Also she cried a lot. She thinks I hate her and that I want to cut her out of my life.
I'm trying to explain to the rest of the family how this is unacceptable and they're all like, "oh she's just stubborn, give her time".
But I've given her time. We've been talking about trans stuff (without me being out) for over a year. And it's not like she's religiously against it, she's gay friendly and all... she just sees the trans thing as completely different.
It all feels like too little too late.
Pronouns are kind of the bare minimum needed for her to be respectful when talking to me.
Me setting these boundaries is about me trying to keep her in my life, but nobody else in my family seems to see it that way. They all seem to think I'm taking this way too fast or expecting too much from her. For me, this is the only way to still talk to her and stay healthy.
I can't seem to explain how bad it feels when she calls me a "she". I mean, I've told them that I blacked out at Thanksgiving (no alcohol, no drugs) but they still see it as a minor matter.
what do you think? am I way out of line here? anyone else with experience dealing with transphobic parents? is this just one of those things that cis people can't understand?