Meh. Titles are for the inspired.

radiosilence95's picture

Yesterday I came close to tears during Health class. A former meth addict came in and spoke to us. Y'know, it's one thing to see pictures of addicts on billboards or hear horror stories from anti-drug campaigns...it's another thing entirely to see an addict in person, to listen to their story without the flashy badges and the cliched "Just Say No" slogans. I mean, when we have assemblies and listen to cops and other nobodies rant about the dangers of drugs, it's so...impersonal. But when you see the years of suffering on that weathered face, and you hear that softened voice, it has a powerful effect.

This woman who spoke to us started drinking heavily at the age of 13, got pregnant at 16, dropped out of high school at 17, and sacrificed her dreams of becoming a nurse for that daily high. She didn't want to get out of bed each morning. She wanted to die. She was arrested four times. After the fourth time she finally got help and she's been clean for five years. She volunteered to come to our school; she wasn't forced by any judge or cop. She wanted to help us. She just threw herself out there, let us see her shame and agony. Even the bitchiest and rudest douchefucks managed to shut the hell up and listen without making any snide remarks.

So that was very eye-opening.

I found out why my mom's been uber stressed lately. Her job is utter shit, that's why. Basically she's been forced to correct the mistakes of many trainees, and she corrects the same mistakes day after day, and she can't get any of her own work done, and it's pissing her off. She has to sacrifice her progress to fix everybody else's shitty work. So I'd be pissed too. She broke down and cried during dinner the other day. She has this belief that a mother should never break down in front of her kids, so that made her feel even more shitty.

I realized today that Amber, my former best friend whom I haven't spoken to in over a month, still has my copy of Let Me In, which is one of my favorite books ever. So now I have to text her and awkwardly ask for it back. Knowing her, she probably lost it or gave it to someone who lost it. Or maybe she'll just refuse to give it back to be a little bitch. Or maybe we'll meet in person so she can return it to me and it'll be...well, awkward. Damn it.

I still feel a pang of guilt every now and then, because Amber pushed Brittany to text me that one lovely night and we've gotten much closer because of that. That was the only big favor she ever really did for me.

The high school talent show is this weekend. I think Brittany, who plays clarinet for the band, is gonna be in it. Tickets sell out all the time. Everybody in town goes to see it. Hopefully I can go. I missed it last year because my mom refused to take me and I'm certainly not going to go by myself and be all awkward. I've heard about how awesome all the acts are.

The more I hear about Brittany's boyfriend, the more I think she deserves better. She's just like me: she loves imagination and daydreaming and creativity. Her boyfriend loves science and math and strict, unwavering facts. Which is fine, but how many wonderful conversations can you have with a person who has zero imagination? I bet he shoots down all of her daydreams and ideas.

God damn it Brittany, we would be an amazing couple! We could lay outside and gaze up at the stars and share our cooky what ifs and our crazy ideas. I'm still really psyched about doing a one-on-one interview with her for the paper. It's supposed to be really in depth.

Comments

elph's picture

Great journal...

But Brittany's bf doesn't sound so bad to me. An interest in science and math is not to be scorned... and it enables one to dream the possible...

Maybe she doesn't know how to encourage him?

Tycoondashkid's picture

though seeing stuff like this

i have concluded Jenna here would be better than him, BUT hes not as bad as she says but jealousy is a horrid beast with the most horrible breathe
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you should talk all the talk in a poets style

radiosilence95's picture

To elph: I know that math

To elph: I know that math and science are very good things. But, based on her stories, he takes it a bit too far. It's perfectly okay to favor those two things, but it's not really okay to squander your girlfriend's thoughts and ideas with it. Ah, well. I admit my description of him is a bit biased, and may be a bit exaggerated, seeing as he is with the girl of my dreams :P

To tycoondashkid: Aw, thanks. And yeah, he's probably not the horrible heartless monster I make him out to be. It's definitely the jealousy taking over. She seems pretty happy with him, so I think I need to shut the hell up and quit saying who she belongs with and who she doesn't. But I am only human. Jealousy is nearly impossible to resist.

Tycoondashkid's picture

welcome

its good that you still ship yourself with Brittney but just don't let it take over, BTW while on the subject, i know Brittney knows your gay but does she know she likes her?
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you should talk all the talk in a poets style

radiosilence95's picture

Nope, I'm pretty sure she's

Nope, I'm pretty sure she's still clueless. Unless she's like Amber, who could tell by the way I looked at her or talked to her. It is quite possible that she's picked up some extremely subtle hints but is just too nice and sensitive to bring it up. So I dunno. It's all up in the air right now.

And the funny thing is, if she knew I think she'd be okay with it. She's definitely not the type to freak out over something like that. She might even be flattered.

Tycoondashkid's picture

ok

i think she'd be flattered and like a boss moment "even girls are after me" maybe withe the Me Gusta face
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you should talk all the talk in a poets style

Dracofangxxx's picture

Agreed!

At least he HAS an interest! Some people don't have *any* passions...
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That's redick!

jeff's picture

Umm...

Interesting that you don't need Amber to be involved to have drama with her. Just in your own head, you felt awkward asking for your own book back. And imaginary Amber may have already lost or loaned your book to someone else, or just refuses to give it back.... and even if she gives it back, it will be awkward meeting.

In your relationship with Amber, perhaps Amber should play the role of Amber? It saves you a lot of time.

Similarly, you also know what would make Brittany happier than seemingly Brittany does herself. And what is right for her, and how her boyfriend is wrong for her. Not to mention wild speculation that creativity and imagination have no overlap with math and science. Dangerous ground, because if she ever senses you have an agenda, you'll stop being her confidante.

You aren't leaving yourself a lot of space to simply play yourself in life. How much more would you accomplish if you just played radiosilence, and let everyone else play their role, and just move forward like that?

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

radiosilence95's picture

Well, considering I just

Well, considering I just kinda stopped talking to her suddenly with no explanation, I'm assuming a quick book exchange may be slightly awkward. I have no clue how she feels about the sudden end of our friendship. She might not even care anymore. So yes, I am dreading the quick moment that she gives me my book back. I think that anxiety is a good indication that I haven't completely let go as I thought I had.

Yes, I am being completely irrational about her boyfriend. If he makes her happy, then I, as a good friend, should be happy for her. I'm still learning how to do that. I'm not really sure that I have an agenda...I'm aware that the chances of us ever being together are overwhelmingly small, but I still catch myself in the grip of jealousy, hoping that things with her boyfriend will fall apart. I know that's a horrible thing, and very selfish. The poor girl would be heartbroken.

So I guess right now I just need to monitor my thoughts, keep the jealousy in check, and just be glad that she's chosen me as company.

Also, about the meth...I had no idea it could keep you from peeing. That's awful. I'm in the Midwest, so we don't see nearly as much meth use as in big cities like San Francisco. I'm kinda sheltered, honestly. So seeing a full-blown addict was quite an experience.

jeff's picture

But...

Unless I'm forgetting anything, if you stop talking to her with no explanation, how did she know to not contact you anymore? I mean, friendship is a two-way street.

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

radiosilence95's picture

I think she kinda saw it

I think she kinda saw it coming. A couple weeks before I cut things off, she noticed that I was acting distant and uninterested, and I was getting annoyed with her very easily. So maybe she just doesn't want to push anything. Or maybe she's glad I stopped speaking to her and she doesn't feel like she's lost anything. Wouldn't surprise me. She's always collected friends rather than valued them.

jeff's picture

OK...

So it sounds like you mutually decided to end the friendship, in which case, shouldn't be a problem.

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

jeff's picture

As for meth...

I guess being in SF sort of made that not unusual.

I have friends who have done meth, even ended up in an emergency room with one, as the drug somehow prevented him for urinating, which was a problem, especially since that is how the drug gets out of your system. So, he was not able to go to the bathroom, but he also wasn't coming down from the meth. Fun night... ugh. ;-)

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)