Return of the Ramble

radiosilence95's picture

Something big yet not big happened last night when I went out for dinner with my friends. My bro friend Judd randomly asked me if I've ever dated a girl....right in front of our friend Haylee. I gave her this anxious look, and she just says, "Don't look at me like that. I already know Jenna."

Whaaaat?

Turns out Haylee's known for a couple weeks. Apparently I make it obvious, but Haylee's always been really observant. She doesn't think it's a big deal. At all. In fact she started asking me about crushes I have and stuff, which was cool, because nobody I've come out to has asked me those kind of questions yet.

So after some coaxing from both Judd and Haylee, I told them about my crush on Brittany, whom they're both friends with. And Haylee actually told me, "She's so adorable! If I were gay, I would totally go for her too." So we ranted about her awesomeness for awhile. And it felt soooo good, just getting that out there and not having to hide it anymore.

Funny story about my former best friend Amber. My friends have started calling her the river rat because she always hangs out with potheads by the river during the weekends. They all can't stand her. Now even Brittany, the sweetest girl on the planet, is joining in on calling her that.

I walked with Brittany to her P.E class today, and she asks me, and I quote, "How are things with the river rat going?" HAHA! Just hearing her refer to Amber like that...oh goodness. So I mini-ranted to her about Amber's selfishness, and of course she was very understanding. So that was cool. She keeps forgetting to type up her poems and give them to me, but that's okay. I'll just text her Sunday night or something and remind her.

I've noticed that my desire for a girlfriend has somewhat peaked recently. I keep telling myself it can wait until college, but I would love to have just one girlfriend before I take off. That's pretty much impossible, for so many reasons. There are zero lesbians or bi chicks in this hick town, I have pretty high standards, and the only girl in my world right now is Brittany. The only thing that sucks about a full-on crush is that you become blind to the beauty of others. I'm sure there are other beautiful girls around here, but I only see Brittany. Damn.

I mean, even just a summer fling would be cool with me. That whirlwind teen romance that only lasts for a few months but is still totally awesome? Yeah, I'd even go for that. The kind of shit that usually makes me gag. I'd even go for a one-night stand. I know. I'm shocked too. It's not that I'm some shallow, sexually starved dyke on the lookout for a fresh piece of ass. I just want a tiny bit of romantic experience before I graduate. Fuck it, AT LEAST a nice kiss would be appreciated. You know what? Even an intimate hug, or a few minutes of dyke cuddles.

Seriously. Anything. I'll take ANYTHING.

Sometimes I consider telling Brittany that I like her. But that's a horrible idea. I think that people reacting to my gayness so well is making me overconfident about approaching Brittany. But I can't assume she'll take it well. She's definitely not homophobic, but...I dunno. It's best not to right now, or maybe not ever. But really, I just wanna throw my feelings out there and see how she responds.

Comments

Tycoondashkid's picture

does brittney know your a lesbian?

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you should talk all the talk in a poets style

radiosilence95's picture

Nope. At least I'm pretty

Nope. At least I'm pretty sure she doesn't. If anything she's like Haylee and just suspects something. I don't think I'd mind if she knew. It's just something you really don't bring into a conversation when you're getting to know someone.

Tycoondashkid's picture

what ive noticed from when i was 11/12

watching Rainbow attempting to get AJ its the Crush, in your case Britney whos oblivious to it
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you should talk all the talk in a poets style

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah. I figured that. I've

Yeah. I figured that. I've been dropping subtle hints and stuff, but she's probably still clueless. Right now, I'm just letting her know that I'm interested in a friendship. Flirting with her won't do me any good, I don't think.

I bought her a really old Doctor Who comic yesterday, because she's obsessed with that series, and I'mma give it her Monday. I don't know if buying stuff for a person is appropriate when you're becoming "just friends," but I can't wait to see her happiness :P

Tycoondashkid's picture

maybe if you give her it

you can get a friend kiss? actually if you do what would you do?
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you should talk all the talk in a poets style

radiosilence95's picture

Haha! A friend kiss. The

Haha! A friend kiss. The most I was hoping for was a friend hug. A kiss would probably make me literally melt into a puddle of overjoyed mush. A hug would do that to, actually.

My only regret is texting her before I bought it and telling her I was gonna get it for her. Idiot! I should've made it a surprise... :|

Tycoondashkid's picture

haha you should have kept it a suprise

yet again she might have gotten it for herself if you didn't tell her, but if you do get a kiss try not to say "i love you" it could be awkward
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you should talk all the talk in a poets style

Lehcure's picture

That's great your friends

That's great your friends are cool with it. Doesn't it feel freeing? It's one of the best feelings ever to know you can be yourself around the ones you care about. "A few minutes of dyke cuddles" made me laugh a lot.. Just something more to feel, I guess?

radiosilence95's picture

It does feel very freeing.

It does feel very freeing. Now that I've gotten this particular group of friends out of the way, I really don't give a fuck if the whole school knows. So yeah, really great that I can be my full self around them.

Seriously. I just want cuddles of the dyke variety. Everybody else has already experienced their first kiss and/or intimate encounter with another person. I'm gonna be 17 next month. This is getting annoying.