She Left... It's Better This Way

INEEDANSWERS's picture

Soooo my Foster Daughter packed all of her things and left...

Wait... let me back up.

Tuesday I took her to wash her clothes. While her clothes were washing I spotted something strange in the machine... MENS BOXERS! Apparently she had been wearing mens boxers since she came to my home 6 months ago. I proceeded to ask her questions about the boxers... and which time she became very angry/upset. Shen then told me that I'm always trying to mind her business; basically to butt out!!

Wednesday she didn't come straight home after school (almost 4 hrs after school let out). My husband and I were so worried that we jumped in our car and were going to go look for her. Before we actually left she finally came home. We got into a huge argument... things were said... and she left.

Fast forward to today...

She is no longer in our home... she's in another Foster Home - a friend of mine... so atleast I know she is safe. Her and her Social Worker came to get the rest of her things. We all hugged... she cried... and they left.

Am I sad? YES. Do I feel used? YES. I have given this girl every part of me... and I feel like it went unappreciated! But Im thinking this is all for the best. If any of you have read any of my older posts... you would know that my husband and I were very much so uncomfortable with the whole Gay thing. We've come to be tolerant of it... and love her beyond her sexual orientation. But it was/is still a very touchy subject. I guess us finding out that she wears mens boxers was the icing on the cake for her... I guess she just didn't want to hide who she was anymore... and leaving was the only way (in her mind) that she could finally be who she wants to be.

I wish that little girl all the best in life! I'll never stop loving her and praying for her. I told her to stay in touch and that we were still here for her if she needed us. The house is empty now... just me and my husband. I kinda feel like a part of me left with her. But then again... I feel relieved. No more drama, no more back talk, no more pressure...

Thank you all for the very kind and encouraging words of advice that you have given to me.

Comments

elph's picture

Unbelievable!

No... actually I do believe you! But so very sorry that it took this long!

Men's boxers? The thought that they may have been boys' boxers never occurred to you?

INEEDANSWERS's picture

@Elph Boys Boxers?!

@Elph Boys Boxers?! Ummmm.... They were DEFINITELY men's boxers...

~ A Concerned Parent

elph's picture

OK... I'm not going there!

Sorry... I misunderstood what you were originally implying... I thought you were suggesting that your 14-year-old ward may have been wearing the boxers!

Anyway... I defer to Jeff's reasoned comments below.

jeff's picture

hehehe...

I think that was the point. Lots of lesbolicious people wear boxer shorts.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

jeff's picture

Well...

Sounds like a good outcome. I do think that if you want a foster kid who is appreciative and isn't going to talk back, etc., you shouldn't take in a teenager, since that sort of goes with the age -- gay, straight, or whatever.

Funny that it ended up being boxer shorts to bring this to a head, I mean... who cares what kind of underwear she likes?! The only time you see two "lesbians" all Victoria Secretted up and such is in lesbian porn, and those tend to not be actual lesbians, but straight "actresses" playing into some straight male fantasy of lesbianism.

The key phrases that this wasn't going to work are that you had become "tolerant" of her sexuality. I know a lot of people hold tolerance up as some hallmark thing to be respected, but it's kind of politically correct nonsense. Essentially you are saying you would "tolerate" her sexuality, and that really isn't enough. If it is some co-worker you have to deal with, or someone you see at family events one every 3 years, and you dislike them for some reason, then sure, tolerate them. But there is a HUGE gap between tolerance and acceptance, and for a daughter living 24/7 in your home, anything less than acceptance would be a problem.

Same with your ability to "love her beyond her sexual orientation" is really fancytalk for loving her "despite" her sexual orientation.

If the only lessons you took from this are that you opened your heart and your home, and this unappreciative girl wasn't ready to join your embracing family, then it was sort of a wasted opportunity. It's an easy narrative, but a seemingly false one.

Use this as an opportunity to explore and possibly change your feelings. It is often easier to believe in Jesus than actually follow his teachings: "So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

INEEDANSWERS's picture

@Jeff You're Right... Which

@Jeff You're Right... Which is why I said her leaving was probably the best thing for all of us. My husband and I will never be "accepting" of the Gay lifestyle... I'm sorry, that's just the way we are. The Bible encourages us to "Love the things God loves, and to hate the things He hates". We are however learning not to judge others. Being judgmental leads to prejudiceness, which leads to hatred, which can lead to all sorts of evil actions and consequences. Hating a person for being Gay is evil, wicked, and does not originate with God. Loving a person "despite" them being Gay is what God does. So being "tolerant" of the Gay lifestyle is actually what God does for people today. We all are sinners... we all sin, yet Jehovah God tolerates us and loves us despite our sinful ways.

What I have taken from this experience is to just love people... no matter who or what they are. To not make people feel uncomfortable for who they choose to be. To encourage others with the Bible, not make them feel bad with it. I will do a lot more listening... and less talking. Sometimes people just want to be heard and not lectured to.

I will give people the respect to be who they are... but I wish that people would give me the same respect. Jeff, you asked me to consider changing my feelings towards homosexuality, yet you're not asking homosexuals to change their views on being heterosexual.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND??
I will respect you for your choices, but just respect me for mine. It is your choice to be Gay... and it is my choice not to be accepting of it. Asking me to change is the same as asking you to. Its not fair for me to ask you to be straight as it isn't fair for you to ask me to accept Gay activity.

ITS MY CHOICE

~ A Concerned Parent

jeff's picture

Well...

God has conditional love? OK, one more reason I'm not a fan. ;-)

I completely, unabashedly, without question, and without conditions, accept heterosexuals, and hope they have all kinds of kinky fun sexual activity and do whatever makes them happy in every aspect of their lives, even if it includes religious activity. And I would tell any gay people to accept heterosexuals in that way. Not sure which views need changing. I hope you don't think anti-gay sentiment is the "heterosexual" view, because I know too many heterosexuals who have absolutely no issue with gays. You're in a minority of the majority on this.

I also completely accept you being religious and letting that affect YOUR life however makes sense to you, but I don't really have any interest in it personally.

Religion and tolerance are a choice. People change religions to get married, so not sure how that isn't a choice, if you can just flip around from one divine truth to another. Being gay is not a choice. I realize I'm going on science and psychology, and not a 2,000 year old book of eyewitness accounts written centuries after those eyewitnesses were dead, but I guess that is my bias, and I'm OK with that.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

lonewolf678's picture

Hmm,

I suppose it is for the better. Life is always nicer when the problems get up and walk out (sarcasm intended).

MaddieJoy's picture

You know, I'm a teenager

You know, I'm a teenager with higher-than-average intelligence who woke up one morning in her upper-middle-class home and went,
"Why don't I make a choice that will make people hate me and call me a sinner? I really want to ruin this near-perfect life by making myself a closeted bisexual. Hey, I bet I can be attracted to that girl on TV!"
Well I hope your daughter meshes better with her new family.

"It's a helluva start, knowing what makes you happy."
--Lucille Ball

stillgotlegs's picture

I still don't understand why you post here.

There must be loads of other places for Christian parents to rant about the 'bad lifestyles' their children lead. In the nicest possible way, you can fuck right off now.
---
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

Tycoondashkid's picture

well said

----------------------------------------------------------
you should talk all the talk in a poets style

radiosilence95's picture

Pardon my lack of empathy.

Yeah. You really handled that well. How convenient for you that you can exchange your foster child like you're shopping for shirts. So a part of who she is bothers you too much and you refuse to work beyond it. What a fantastic mother you are, huh?

I'm not bashing your religion. Honestly, I don't disrespect any religion despite my atheism. If believing in some entity makes people happy, then what the fuck ever. I don't care. I guess I'm bashing the way you choose to be a so-called "mother." You know, the fact that you didn't even TRY to accept who she is will probably scar her for a looong time. You basically rejected her for something beyond her control. Ever stop to think how damaging that must be for her?

My mom is very religious too. But you know what? She loves me for who I am, even if that includes me being gay. She knows I'm a good kid and that being gay alone doesn't make a person. And I really, really hope that your daughter will find someone like that, because obviously you are not that person.

Oh well. Now you can find another foster child, one who conforms to everything YOU think is right and perfect. And frankly, I agree with stillgotlegs. There's no reason for you to post on here anymore.

It's not religious people that disgust me. It's people like you, who let what you believe in blind you, who favor judgment and condemnation over love and acceptance. Disgusting. Truly disgusting.

hellonwheels's picture

Well said...

Extremely well said. I liked the comparison of shopping for t-shirts.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

Super Duck's picture

Wait... I have no idea

Wait... I have no idea what's going on. You were mad because she wore boxers? How is that super horrible? I'm a lesbian, but I don't wear boxers. I dress just like any typical 17-year-old girl, but I am 100% gay. Would having someone like me as a daughter somehow be less horrible? :/ It's not like the boxers will somehow make her gayer, or wearing girl clothes will magically make her straight, or whatever. They're just clothing. I just don't understand why it's that big of a deal what she chooses to wear.

When I was about her age and a little younger, I went through this phase in which I wanted to be "emo" and shopped exclusively at Hot Topic and wore all those black shirts with dumb sayings on them. My mother HATED it, but she never once freaked out over it, and I certainly never ended up leaving the house over it.

Acting rude and ungrateful is a fairly normal 14-year-old thing, by the way. I was a total nightmare from the time I was 11 until I was 14, but I grew out of it. I almost never fight with either of my parents anymore. Of course, that's no excuse for her to be rude, or anything, but nothing's wrong with her. It's normal.

My point here basically is that she was just acting like most 14-year-olds. I guess if you weren't ever willing to actually accept her, it's good that she left. Maybe she'll find a mom who will.

hellonwheels's picture

Not going to offer my opinions here...

But hopefully the new match is better for her...I mean, really??? You freaked out because she wears boxers? MIllions of women wear boxers nowadays, both gay and straight. literally. I'd say they are more common that traditional panties, amongst most women I know these days, anyway. but it is in NO way a sign of a person's sexual orientation.

Hell, I even knew a girl who was a devout jehovah's witness who wore boxers. Why does that even bother you?

And also, you have become tolerant of it? What, in any of your past posts, indicates that? Just because you say you are ok with something for the sake of sounding like less of a backwards, politically incorrect person, doesn't make it so.

Hopefully she is better off with your 'friend'

wMental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

To be fair...

hellsonwheels wears crotchless lace panties with olde tyme garters, making him a bit of an expert on LGBT underwear options.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

thanks for that, jeff...

I'll be sure to text you a picture of me in pantyhose later tonight....not. Would chainsaw chaps and a flannel work for you? hahah

God, I am butch. lol.

Although, I will say, I do like the looks of a hot foreign guy in a tight swimsuit. haha.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Hmm...

chaps, flannel shirt, and nothing else? Sure, send it. You have my number...

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Dracofangxxx's picture

Hm...

You know what happens when you treat your kids like they're a problem in your life? Like they're just some big fucking hassle on you, and you'd rather them be gone?

Either a.) they kill themselves, or b.) They walk out. Glad your daughter picked the sensible choice.

As a MOTHER, it is your job to make sure you're your daughter's number one supporter, and you haven't been. So yeah! This is for the better!... for your daughter, and only because she's safer emotionally now, even though she's gonna end up feeling like even MORE of a hassle and unwanted because she's not ONLY a foster child, but a foster child that's GAY, and therefore will be not accepted in most homes if she keeps bouncing around religious people's houses who can't see out of their own ass 'cause they're buried too far in some book they weren't even around to see written.

I hope someone picks up Harry Potter in the next 2000ish years and thinks it's true. Dear lawdy.

As I said, some guy crashed his plane onto an island in the ocean, and when he returned later, the people were worshipping him and his ship as "godly". When people see advanced technology they don't know, that's what happens. They explain it supernaturally.

Do I think there's a God? I don't *know*. But LOGICALLY thinking, using the brain I was born with, I can see the signs that with thousands of religions everywhere on the world, obviously they're not all wrong except ~the speshul one that's adapted off of Pagan beliefs anyways~

I mean do you even know that? That Christianity has been edited so much over the years? Books taken out, translation errors, people straight up changing what it says, absorbing Pagan beliefs because they didn't want them to rival Christianity? Like Christmas and Easter, Christ's respective holidays, were ripped off the Pagan winter/spring equinoxes....

It's actually been researched through hints in the bible that Christ was most definitely *not* born in winter.

Plus, a religion that abhors killing people yet OVER THE YEARS has basically gone on a big murdering spree ~in the name of God~?
If GOD can allow MILLIONS OF PEOPLE to be killed and tortured in his name, HE SHOULD NOT and WOULD NOT logically care where someone sticks their genitals.

Considering most of your religion isn't even the BASE story anymore because of the bullshit editing all over the years, who CARES if it says not to do ONE THING? You sin all the time. If Jesus died for your sins, THEN HE DIED FOR YOUR DAUGHTER, TOO. Do you not RESPECT that?

You need to brush up on your religious facts. How edited everything is. You basically can't, and shouldn't, trust everything you read because you don't KNOW who wrote that. In fact, the days of the week are named after Pagan/Celtic gods if I'm right... Monday =moon day, sunday = sunday, Friday = Freja day...

Let's face it. Your religion has been one big power struggle. Control. I take what I want from religion and leave the rest. And if there's a God, I'm sure he's cool with that. God so gave us brains to think, I think it's good to use it.
-
That's redick!

jeff's picture

I would imagine...

... this is the end of the line for INEEDANSWERS on here. Trying to help the lesbian foster kid is fine, but without that, we don't need Jehovah on here talking about people's lifestyle choices and sinful activity, etc. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

INEEDANSWERS's picture

AGREED...

Again, thank you all for your words of advice... I actually took into consideration a lot of what has been said on here. I do agree that my Foster Daughter is better off being in another home. At this point in my life, I am not able to handle all that she came with. She has problems FAR BEYOND her dealing with lesbianism... which is why she is in Therapy; hopefully one day she will get the help she needs, and finally be able to put the past behind her and lead a positive/successful life... That's all I ever really wanted for her.

So having said that, I will no longer continue to post on here... but if anyone has a question, I will do my best to answer them.

I hope that each and every one of you find happiness, love, contentment, and peace in your own individual lives... Please, take care <3

~ A Concerned Parent