So Confused!

MaddieJoy's picture

I've started to notice that I'm not so much "bisexual" as "lesbian, straight, lesbian, straight..." Some days I feel zero attraction to the opposite sex, to the point where I feel creeped out even thinking about them. Then the next day I'm completely in love with the idea of a handsome prince and I think that "maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm straight and it was just a phase," which leads to "Dear GOD what have I done? I can't believe that I said I was QUEER!"
The problem is, as hard as I try to remember that I am in fact bisexual, I get terrible anxiety over the issue. I've kept a journal about all of my feelings to read later, etc, but when I feel lesbian I get afraid that my friends will think I'm nuts because of all those crushes on boys, and when I feel straight I'm afraid that my parents won't believe that I switched back or they'll think I just wanted attention.
The worst part is that that makes me think I really DID just want attention, and suddenly I feel like a fake and have to go lock myself in the bathroom and remind myself to BREATHE, YOU IDIOT!
God it's been a rollercoaster! I've started to track my transitions mentally and it looks like clockwork. Like, one day I'm lesbian, then I'm mixed or slightly asexual, then I'm straight, then mixed, then lesbian. What the hell is happening to me?!
On rare days of clarity like this one I start to worry about my future (nuts for someone so young, I know). What if I never settle into bi, lesbian or straight, and can never be happy with one person of one gender? That's kind of a scary thought.
Then again, these days most of my thoughts are scary.

Comments

Flochetta's picture

I understand. But maybe once

I understand. But maybe once you are in love with one person, all the other nice people around you (or only in your head) won't have too much importance any more. I imagine being in love with somebody (I can't tell if I ever was, sorry) like that.
Maybe you don't have to decide what sexual orientation you have. Not for you and not for anybody else. I mean, I understand it when you say, they will think you're nuts, but if they are real friends/good parents, they will still love you (I mean it's not like you change by telling them who you like, you're still the same person).
I know it sounds cheesy and I'm probably not in the right position to tell you that, but maybe once you are a little older and your hormones work a little more regularly, you are possibly a little more certain about who you like.
(Sorry...)

stillgotlegs's picture

Hahaa, this reminds me so

Hahaa, this reminds me so much of me a year or so ago, even had a journal very similar to this. I think once you reassure yourself that you don't actually need a label, it's quite liberating, basically removes all the stress.

If a current label isn't working at the moment, move on from it. What's wrong with being straight-gay-straight-gay? xD
---
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

clarice123's picture

I agree. Labels aren't

I agree. Labels aren't really necessary except in how you define yourself to other people. You talk a lot about the effect your labels, your words have on those around you. In truth, it doesn't really matter what they think, as long as you're comfortable. I remember feeling the same things you are, and hell I still have similar problems; "Are you trying to come out as straight? You can't possibly think Eddie Redmayne is attractive!"

Be you, use words to describe you in that moment, and stay true to yourself.

MacAvity's picture

Yeah...

I'm in a similar way, although the cycles seem a little longer for me (id est, my sexuality varies over weeks or months rather than days or hours). So... I guess my advice for us both is: if you like girls sometimes and guys sometimes, call yourself bi, even if you're not actually bisexual at any given moment. When romance finally comes around, there'll be that person so important that it won't even matter that ey're not always the right gender - you can live for the days when ey are.
Maybe. I don't know.