The Grand Vizier's Garden Party

swimmerguy's picture

This song sounds about as organized as my thoughts feel right now.

I think I need to organize my thoughts. I mean, maybe I could if I had a good, peaceful place to do it, for just a while.
But the thing is, all I do is think. It gets you trapped, until I can't stop, and sometimes, not thinking is better.

I dunno. All I do know is that it probably seems likely that my scattered thoughts and emotional dysfunction is probably just the age I'm at, I'll probably figure it out sooner or later.

I mean, damn, that article tycoondashkid posted, about that school district with all the suicides? 13 percent of kids attempt suicide at some point? A third of LGBT kids?

Like, I don't know of a situation that would make me commit suicide... I can just never comprehend the full gravity of a decision like that.
Like I've thought about like what if I did, and despite how I think after death will be like before life, blank nothingness, I still think about my family, my parents, and how they'd react, and that makes me so sad... so sad... Even though I don't think it could possibly affect me in the afterlife, and it wouldn't affect me in this life, I guess that's the definition of morality.
I couldn't let that happen, no matter what, what it'd do to them, would be at least as bad as I ever feel.

So yeah, so little is set in stone this early in life, just the thought of what that'd do to my family to do that... I never could, just to be selfish.
And even besides that I don't think I would, really, anyway.

It just doesn't seem worth it, life is so short, and so small. We have to be grateful.

Anyway, heavy journal, but g'night guys


hellonwheels's picture

The only thing that kept me from

ending my life as a young adult/ teen, was seeing the effects of it on my friends' families when they had succeeded. I knew 8 kids in my 4 years of high school who took their lives, and our school districts death rate was definitely in the high teens. there wasn't a year that went by that at least two or more kids I knew of died, either by car accident, drug overdose, or suicide.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

For me...

It's my narcissistic inability to comprehend of life without me.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

elph's picture

Not just your family...

There is no single all-encompassing explanation for why someone would take his/her own life.

For the suicide of a teen, however, the most predominant common feature of the victim is likely a yet-not-fully-developed maturity coupled with a view that his/her death will inflict extreme emotional stress on his/her tormentors (real and imaginary).

Obviously... this is just my (admittedly unprofessional) attempt to envisage what may be going on in that mind immediately preceding the tragic decision...

Whatever the underlying facts may actually be:

Suicide is a terrible act! It is never the solution for an emotionally troubled teen!



Apropos my comments above, here is a great article (just published) that all should read (especially parents).

Tycoondashkid's picture

i was going to

mainly it was my mum who beat me alot, teamed up with emotional and mental abuse both by my mum and the evil voices, the fact that i WILL die young no matter what i do, nobody ever liked me and ton of other reasons

i didn't for many reasons but my mum fucking deserves alot fucking worse than shes getting
you should talk all the talk in a poets style

anarchist's picture


Early Pink Floyd. Experimental music is something that I very much enjoy; I approve of your taste. Is this song from Ummagumma? It sounds sort of like Merzbow's early work, but with more depth and a larger variety of sounds.
I have been in situations in which I have seriously contemplated suicide. Many were due to a desire to exit this illusion and find out what really exists, if anything; but I have decided to just humor myself and indulge in this fantasy.
Don't be afraid of death just because your friends and family will be upset. Like my philosophy: when I'm dead I won't give a fuck, so there's no difference.