So fucking tired.
And Shelby, I'm sorry. You never really know what to say in these situations...
Just wanted you to know I love you, you're fucking awesome.
In other news...
Today, I swear, I swear, CAG, took a slightly unnecessary and inconvenient route to brush by me, I swear.
Fuck me, I'm obsessing.
Stop it. I feel like Kreacher now or something, I just wanna start beating myself.
Anyway, I just can't help thinking about how unaware most people I talk to in high school are. Like, I don't want to be some massive fuckass who's all like "I am aware and no one else is, they're all fucking zombies", because, I dunno, maybe I just don't know people well enough to make that distinction, maybe they think at least as much as I do or more, and I'm just not inside their head to witness, it, but it really just doesn't seem like it.
I mean, most high school kids I talk to are totally uninformed and uncaring about political issues, and have don't have very defined political positions.
Really, it just seems to me like most people I know are largely centered on their daily life of school, friends, home, and whatever extra-curricular activities they may have.
As for the rest of the world, there's popular videos like Kony 2012 and feel-good videos they show us about how we build wells in Kenya and shit.
Then, as for the universe, it's just God. No further explanation needed.
I mean, of course I'm centered on my daily life too, but I like to know what's happening in the rest of the world, because, really, to me, in the end, that's more important.
If I'm just concentrating on my little sphere of existence, I'm not really doing anything other than existing. I like to know about what's going on out there, and probably when I get older I'll start participating in it, and try my best to help.
That's why I like to stay informed, I read The Economist and shit, so I can know when things happen around the planet.
As for the rest of the universe, whenever I'm wondering whether or not my peers are thinking about this shit, I just have to go check the fb page of our school's Christian Club, (like the biggest club we have, by the way), and it's so dull.
Every week it's Oh this week's meeting changed my life, I learned how much God loves us
and next week it's This week we learned all about how much Jesus loves us, it really changed my life.
I mean, it's all the motherfucking SAME.
Frankly, I've thought that anyone who has the intelligence, the courage, and the caring, to really really think about this world and universe of ours, will not come out a strict theist.
Certainly not the theist Gods we have today.
I mean, for one example, people have like asked me what I'd do if I went to heaven and I met God, demanding to know why I didn't believe in him, and how he might be about to send me to Hell.
And just asking that question really makes me think you've never thought this through.
Personally, I would think any God that's not only all-loving and all-forgiving, I mean, he doesn't even have to be those, but he's omniscient, they say that all the time, he knows EVERYTHING.
And that means I'd have nothing to explain. God would already know everything that's led to me being an atheist, and hopefully, he'd understand that I've done my best to lead a good life, be good with other people, and as for not believing in him, I've also done my best to search for the truth, I really have, and that search has led me to science and not to God.
I'm doing the best I can, and that's all he could ask.
If he really was all-knowing, he'd understand that completely, even better than I do, and he wouldn't even have to be all-loving or all-forgiving to decide not to torture me for the rest of eternity, he'd just have to not be a fucking childish douchebag prick.
Like only 1 in 12 children or so ever break with their parents religion. That's what most of the people I go to school with do, just follow what their parents taught them, if we lived in the Middle East, they'd be Muslims now, or if they'd been children of Chinese Party members, they'd be atheists right now.
So that just makes me think that most of the people I go to school with have never actually really thought these things through, they don't have to, generations upon generations of theological scholars have done that for them, they don't need thinking, all they need is God, and he'll do the rest.
And that bothers me.
I don't think life should be all about your daily school and the rest of the shit, that seems like such a small world to me.
No, to me, I think the real meaning of life is thinking about the nature of the universe and reality and shit. A lot of the rest, simply don't matter.
For example, THIS: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hubble_Ultra-Deep_Field
If you think you understand this, believe me, YOU DON'T.
You really have to think about it before you even really realize how completely you cannot grasp this image.
Each of those galaxies, assuming ours is average size, contains about 100 billion stars, and about as many planets to match.
Think about that. It's taken humans thousands of years to explore this entire planet, and we still don't know absolutely everything about it. Our entire species, devoting thousands of years to it, and still there are creatures at the bottom of the ocean and in the atmosphere and in caves we haven't yet discovered.
Now think of trying to explore 10 of these planets.
Think of trying to explore 100 billion planets. Think of that. If you visited each for 1 second, 1 second, it would take you more than 3000 years to visit each planet.
And that's just one galaxy. In just this image there's thousands of galaxies.
In the whole universe, there's about 100 billion.
Just try to imagine the absolute fucking scale of that.
And that's not all, also imagine all the fucking space separating all those galaxies, how fucking big it is, fucking light years the distance light travels in a YEAR, and there's billions and billions of those to cross the universe.
All of matter is just floating around in this space that's just so fucking massive.
And then not only do you have to try to understand that, you have to try to make it not abstract anymore, to actually understand this isn't just some thought experiment, THIS IS WHAT'S OUT THERE. THIS IS THE FUCKING UNIVERSE YOU LIVE IN. IT'S SO FUCKING BIG AND WEIRD.
And if you've understood that, also understand that not only is that shit out there, that shit is also EVERYTHING. As far as we know, there's nothing beyond it.
Just try to comprehend the whole of existence, a place where existence stops, where just the entirety of reality just disappears, where there's not just space, there's actually no space, no place where things even could theoretically exist.
I think the thinking about that image will take literally decades.
Just trying to understand all that shit is impossible.
And I don't think even that many people think about it, and it's like, man, what the fuck are you missing? How small is your world?
If you just printed out a glossy photo of the Hubble Ultra Deep Field, put me in a little wooden hut with a fire, a rainstorm outside, and a massive bowl of weed, think of what fucking fantastic thinking you could get done.
I need a fucking telescope.
A massive fucking telescope.
Anyway, I'm tired and incoherent... Night guys.