What importance does the subject of homosexuality have at all? I assumed to live in an environment which is predominantly respecting the different sexual orientations. Why? I don’t really know. I never actually got to know any openly homosexual person. And I suppose there actually were some; it is at least statistically logical. However although I sometimes heard insults about different boys as “gays” I always thought these were exceptions and I am not really convinced that they’re not, at least in my home village.
But today my very own mother turned out to have an opinion that’s not purely accepting homosexuality. She told me, my older brother would maybe like to share an apartment with another man. So out of interest I asked if my brother turns out to be homosexual. My mother was too sure that he is not and I told her I would not have a problem with that, because it seemed to me like my mother would see homosexuality linked to him as a no-way-idea. Further, my mother answered, she would not find it “that nice” if he would be. I was almost speechless but I proceeded to ask why. She just started to talk about AIDS and I could not believe it!
My mother was basically telling me, she would not like my brother to be gay because she doesn’t want him to get AIDS. I mean, yes, it is understandable that she worries about him and doesn’t want him to get sick, but on the other hand, one cannot change his/her sexual orientation. It is not a choice. And also one has always a certain risk to get AIDS. It doesn’t matter if man or woman of either sexual orientation. It may be true that men having sex with men (especially not practising monogamy) are at a higher risk, but whatever people are doing, there is always a risk to get a disease and people would not try to prevent it.
My mom cannot seriously think that way, right? I thought my mother would be accepting, respecting and tolerating.
So what if I for instance turn out to be lesbian? I mean, I am really not sure what orientation I have. I always assumed to be heterosexual because I assumed to be what most people consider as “normal” or heteronormative. But in the last two or three years I wasn’t that sure anymore. Not because I would have a crush on somebody of my own sex, but rather because I just questioned my own identity a little further and a little deeper, maybe also a little more adult-like. And I guess, that belongs to growing up. Questioning the sexual orientation as a necessary preparation to one’s later sexual life is essential. It prepares the person, me, for the following, the necessary satisfaction of human needs. Or am I not right?
I just wonder how my own mother can think that way. And how it will influence how my little brother thinks and how it influences and already influenced my own perception of homosexual persons and possibly the perception of myself.
I remember trying to write a short story about two lesbian girls for school. It was that hard for me to imagine how it could possibly work for those girls to deal with the official understanding of homosexuality. It was too hard for me to identify myself with these girls, because I hadn’t dealt with this problem before. I think I myself hadn’t dealt enough with homosexuality to fully accept it and consider it as just another possibility of living. The question is, why had I never dealt with this before? Because I had the intention, my mother would not consider it as “normal”? Truly not consciously, but maybe I somehow knew it. But I cannot blame her for that. Maybe society’s understanding of homosexuality gave its bigger part to it. Or it gave too big of a part to my mother.
But actually I don’t even think I am better at this point. I still would be/(am?) afraid to be lesbian. If I would accept homosexuality, would I not be more confident about it?