For Certain reasons I wont mention my name. But I need guidance in my life and it would be nice to meet people like me. I know this is a long journal entry but if you all would read it and maybe help me I would greatly appreciate it.
I was 10 when we moved to Indiana and this is the beginning of where my life went to hell. Not that I have lived a bad life I have a mother and family that loves me and nice things that are better than most. But Ever since the move we made it seems like I have always been the kid that got picked on and messed with I had a few friends but none that ever stood up for me or helped me. I was always called ugly and fat and I was a little overweight through my childhood but never obese by any means. But the worst was when people would call me gay its started in 5th grade, you know the age that kids learn these words and don't know the true affect they have on people. I swear I heard that so much through 5th and 6th grade that I started actually believing it. Then one night I saw on television a guy kiss another guy on some show that is probably cancelled now and that's when I said well that's not so bad why do people get made fun of for being gay all the time? Then somehow from that moment I started experimenting with cross dressing which is weird because I don't know what brought this on but I still do it to this day. So being constantly picked on and fucked with every day of my life from 5th grade to 8th grade being called gay and fag, queer, getting my ass kicked in middle school by all the kids that were bigger than me and stronger I had enough of it and going into high school i worked out and played football and sports got thin and muscular and no one screwed with me however I always stayed insecure about myself I started playing with anal toys and kept crossdressing because i felt like i was this person because thats what everyone has made me feel. I've had girlfriends many of them in fact and I love that companionship with women it feels right in so many ways. Now I'm in college and I've been experimenting with both sexes and women still feel right to me but there's this part of me that's scared of them, scared of rejection and getting my heart broken again, and never being able to find a woman that understands me. So I've been experimenting with guys and I've had sex a few times and I enjoy the sex but not the companionship it just doesn't feel right with guys but i constantly have sex urges with them that i cannot control. I constantly wonder if there are people exactly like me. I want to quit being this way. Its not that I have a problem with gays or lesbians I find them to be quite amazing people. I just don't believe I'm gay but I can't seem to get it out of my head that I have to be this way because I'll never find a woman that I can fall in love with. Maybe I'm just screwed up in the head or maybe I am gay I just cant tell anymore.
If anyone has thoughts or can help me find myself i would love to have friends and people to talk to
thank you for reading my journal