Am I truly gay or Have I been Made this way?

confused1991's picture

For Certain reasons I wont mention my name. But I need guidance in my life and it would be nice to meet people like me. I know this is a long journal entry but if you all would read it and maybe help me I would greatly appreciate it.

I was 10 when we moved to Indiana and this is the beginning of where my life went to hell. Not that I have lived a bad life I have a mother and family that loves me and nice things that are better than most. But Ever since the move we made it seems like I have always been the kid that got picked on and messed with I had a few friends but none that ever stood up for me or helped me. I was always called ugly and fat and I was a little overweight through my childhood but never obese by any means. But the worst was when people would call me gay its started in 5th grade, you know the age that kids learn these words and don't know the true affect they have on people. I swear I heard that so much through 5th and 6th grade that I started actually believing it. Then one night I saw on television a guy kiss another guy on some show that is probably cancelled now and that's when I said well that's not so bad why do people get made fun of for being gay all the time? Then somehow from that moment I started experimenting with cross dressing which is weird because I don't know what brought this on but I still do it to this day. So being constantly picked on and fucked with every day of my life from 5th grade to 8th grade being called gay and fag, queer, getting my ass kicked in middle school by all the kids that were bigger than me and stronger I had enough of it and going into high school i worked out and played football and sports got thin and muscular and no one screwed with me however I always stayed insecure about myself I started playing with anal toys and kept crossdressing because i felt like i was this person because thats what everyone has made me feel. I've had girlfriends many of them in fact and I love that companionship with women it feels right in so many ways. Now I'm in college and I've been experimenting with both sexes and women still feel right to me but there's this part of me that's scared of them, scared of rejection and getting my heart broken again, and never being able to find a woman that understands me. So I've been experimenting with guys and I've had sex a few times and I enjoy the sex but not the companionship it just doesn't feel right with guys but i constantly have sex urges with them that i cannot control. I constantly wonder if there are people exactly like me. I want to quit being this way. Its not that I have a problem with gays or lesbians I find them to be quite amazing people. I just don't believe I'm gay but I can't seem to get it out of my head that I have to be this way because I'll never find a woman that I can fall in love with. Maybe I'm just screwed up in the head or maybe I am gay I just cant tell anymore.
If anyone has thoughts or can help me find myself i would love to have friends and people to talk to
thank you for reading my journal

-- JE

Comments

hellonwheels's picture

I feel ya on the

wanting companionship/ relationship wiht a woman, including sex thing. However, I have come to realize that will never, ever happen.

I am kinda the opposite though, I used to get picked on and called a fag, drving me to the edge of suicide and other dark areas as a kid, but I was the jock/ athlete in high school, versus now I am getting fat and out of shape.

funny how that can work.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

confused1991's picture

its not that i was even a

its not that i was even a jock in high school i was more on the band scene than anything tight pants and hardcore music. i just decided to not take shit anymore from people the muscles just came with it lol. but i still have this negative image of myself that i can't accept, not that i'm suicidal about it though i know alot of people are i just keep searching and hoping that i will find a girl and that i'll be able to leave this all behind me. i'm just scared to open myself up to anyone because of this past and fear of non acceptance idk and that black sabbath quote suits the situation almost perfectly.

hellonwheels's picture

haha...

thanks, that's why I made it my signature on here back in high school. I know back then, I was a really, really hardcore kid. Literally went to shows almost weekly, won tickets from the local radio shows all the time...it became a healthy way to let out aggression and angst. now, since I am older and beat up, and my joints are going to hell, not as much. but it's still a good time.

I felt the same way forever man. If only I could find that one girl, the one special person who could save me from teh shame, that side of me. almost happened once, but when it came to the attraction part...nothing there.

I have come to realize it's not all about sex for some people, but it's definitely a big part of it. for sure.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Hmm...

It does seem pretty difficult to imagine someone heterosexual trying this hard to accept their heterosexuality. If you have enjoyed sex with men and women, one presumes, there is bisexuality as a third rail here.

When you jerk off, what do you think about? That's probably the most honest assessment. You don't have to appease society in that moment, only yourself.

To be fair, it does sound like you're gay, but really really really don't want to be, despite enjoying sex with men, crossdressing, and things in your ass?

But probably gay with internalized homophobia to sort through, or bisexual.

Either way, you're going to need to figure out how to emotionally connect with the people you sleep with. You can't want the support of a woman but the cock of a man... not without a trip to Thailand, at least.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

terrabean's picture

Might be Bisexual Heteroromantic? Or something like that?

I think a lot of queer people overlook the idea of romantic attraction when figuring out their sexual orientation. I think that a lot of people also overlook that you can be attracted to certain aspects of certain genders and not others. Sometimes that puts you in a position of only being able to be in relationships with some genders and not others (I say genders plural, because there are so many variations on gender, even within the two biological sexes of male and female)

The idea of a romantic orientation is basically that you feel romantically compatible with some people and not others. For example, many asexuals are still able to have successful relationships, despite their lack of interest in sex. Many asexuals will still date only their preferred gender though, even though they are asexual.

I for example am in all technicality at least partially bisexual(assuming I am female, which is a bit up in the air right now). However this does not mean I would ever be able to be in a relationship with a man, simply because I can not view men romantically. I can find some sexually attractive, but that does not mean that I could have a relationship with one, because the personality and gender roles in the relationship just wouldn't work for me.

Also keep in mind that you can have different feelings about genders in different areas of your sexuality. For example, I know people who would only be interested in having sex with one gender, but enjoy porn from the opposite gender from their preferred gender significantly more.

There really is so much more to sexuality than whether someone is simply gay, straight, bi, or even something as seemingly inclusive as pansexual.

You really have to take things like these as a personal thing to you. You don't have to be any particular sexuality at all, just be with the people you feel like you can have the best relationship with. There is a lot more to having a quality relationship than the sex or gender of the person you are with. You have to be compatible on so many other levels. It seems like your issue is mostly with being able to connect to people, and that can be a hard thing to do. There are probably a lot of both guys and girls out there who you don't connect with, and some that you do. Just find someone that you get along with, enjoy sex with, and can have a quality relationship with, and just take it as that, a good relationship.