I fucking love metal.

anarchist's picture

Good stuff from Norway. I listen to angry music when I'm in a bad mood, which I have been in this week. I like getting into my Acrassicauda and ignoring my life. Fuck the world, fuck everything. I have my music, the rest can die in a painful holocaust. I want to see that happen right now. I just want to turn this up all the way and scream as loud as I can. Maybe I just need some heroin. That's another escape from reality.

While we're on the topic of music, here's a song I made a few months ago. I just recently listened to it again and hadn't realized until then how great this is. I might have posted it before (don't remember), but here ya go:

Untitled by Samavade

I feel strange right now. I have so much anger and hatred. I've finally let out all the pain of loneliness that's accumulated throughout the week. It feels good to finally not give a fuck about it by having all this hatred, but it also feels weird. I hate beauty. Somehow I love Brad's beauty, but I hate it at the same time. I love how beautiful he is, but I'd still prefer it if everybody were horribly ugly. I don't even know how that's possible.

I didn't spend enough time with him today. We spent most of third period on computers and at opposite sides of the room. I couldn't even see him, and didn't know where he was until I walked up to the teacher to ask a question about the assignment and saw him sitting near the front of the room. I love being with him; it's my favorite thing to do. Being near him and seeing his face, talking to him and hearing him talk back. It's a wonderful feeling.

But onto why I was in such a horrible mood before I got rid of the feeling by listening to angry music, thinking, and eventually just finding any kind of attractiveness disgusting. My jimmies have really been rustled by loneliness. But it isn't really that that's been bothering me. What has really been ruining my mood is jealousy. I envy other people who aren't single. Every time I hear about a couple my age, especially a gay one, I get much more jealous, and it feels horrible.

I was also jealous of other gays who are no longer virgins. I wanted to have sex, and my libido has been very high all week. I don't know why. I'm glad I solved all of that by letting it all out in a rage of rancor and enmity (a new word I learned in English today). I no longer give a fuck because I've already killed everyone I was jealous of in my head. They're dead now, even though they still live. I guess I just need to go crazy to some metal every once in a while, and I'll stay happy and healthy. :D

Comments

elph's picture

Jimmies...?

What you sleep in? Wild guess!

Your description of how all of Brad's attractive qualities affect your visual and emotional senses prompts me to recall many quite similar responses of mine at a similar age... and for years thereafter.

Reminiscing... there were manifold regrets and countless hours of the most extreme angst... as the then-perceived social dictates conspired with my extreme shyness and feelings of unworthiness to mitigate against any productive action beyond the only recourse known to me for the unrequited...

Today... I'm so thankful that circumstances are so much improved... yet, by no means perfect.

Envious? Most definitely!

elph's picture

Got it...

So... it's not the diminutive of "jammies!" :)

Anyway... I suspect there still may be a distant connection...

anarchist's picture

I know that "jimmies" are also condoms.

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elph's picture

I.E.,

pajamas for the penis? How quaint... and thoughtful!