I give you full permission to skim this journal.

radiosilence95's picture

Spring break has been so very dull. The only thing worth mentioning, really, is the job interview I had yesterday. If I get this job I'll definitely be quitting the one I have now. The managers are rude as hell and they don't know how to run a business. This new place seems much nicer. Less greasy too. I'm hoping for a phone call soon. If I get hired I'll be a cook. Makin' pasta and other Italian foods.

My birthday is in two days, and right now I'm at my dad's for an early celebration. My grandma and my aunt are here, chatting about their cats. Hehe. The cancer has spread to my aunt's spine from her liver. The pills she's taking have had some...negative effects, to say the least. Apparently she hallucinates and is beginning to lose touch with reality. She's also extremely weak. It took her four attempts to successfully stand up after sitting for only five minutes. This may sound morbid, but I'm hoping the end comes soon so she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I feel like her death has been so painful and slow and dragged out.

I really, really miss Brittany. I considered asking her to hang out with me Friday, but I have a tactic. I'mma put some distance between us over spring break so she'll have a chance to miss me. We haven't texted at all. Plus I think five days apart from her may do me some good. The troubling this is if I miss her this much already, how the hell am I gonna handle summer? Shit. I can't allow myself to think about that.

You'd think that the news she's bi would make me all schoolgirl giddy, and it has, but it's also somewhat distressing. I catch myself formulating tactics and ideas to make her mine, and that's wrong. I don't want to have an agenda. This isn't a game. I just want to be there for her and maybe subtly let her know I'm interested, and let her decide how to respond to that interest. I'm just fighting to keep my intentions pure. She has a boyfriend. I need to respect that. But still...

If I play my cards right...ugh. I've been having this internal dialogue with myself. I guess my plan right now is to just drop hints and take it day by day. I'm trying really hard to not get ahead of myself.

I looked at my profile today because I was bored and I realized that I've been a member on this site for over a year now. Huh. That's so weird to think about. When I first joined, I didn't really know how to create happiness. I was still on the fence about my sexuality, I was ridiculously obsessed with Amber, and I had such low self-esteem. I honestly don't want to read my old journals because I love who I am today and I don't want to remember that girl from a year ago.

I scheduled a visit to my number one college April 25th. I'm gonna sit in on a lecture, talk to a creative writing major, and get a tour of the whole campus. I'm really excited, but I have to miss school. Dang it. The day before that I'm taking my ACT for the second time to see if I can get a 30 or higher. Yay.

Guess what tomorrow is? Easter! I have to dress up all snazzy. And then go to my grandma's church which is in a village of 900 people surrounded by nothing but farmland. God, it's like stepping into the 19th century. I hate it there. And my grandma's church friends will marvel at how big I've grown, and I'll stand there with a forced smile and wonder who the hell these old biddies are. I'll sit through two hours of organ music and crying babies and the fat preacher's rant about the miracles of Easter.

My aunt is hosting Easter at her house this year, which is odd because it's usually at my grandma's. That's gonna be predictable too. I'll sit in silence and pick at my ham while everyone gossips about the women on the church choir and foams at the mouth over politics and social concerns that they pretend to know everything about. I swear to fuck if anybody makes a homophobic comment, I'm leaving the table and I'm sitting in my mom's car until it's time to leave.

I remember when family gatherings used to be fun. But with every family gathering I attend it seems my resentment builds higher.

***Hey all you lesbians and bi people, I have a very important question for you: ass or tits?

Comments

Tycoondashkid's picture

well

happy early birthday

i miss my crush too :(, technically it IS a game the dating GAME ;)

YOU WERE OBSESSED WITH AMBER AND HAD LOW SELF-ESTEEM?! i just can't imagine that, its...its just not you

also technically as 00:00 it was easter this was posted 01:46 so its easter today

i can't image you being related to Al' Cherch Jaers XD

radiosilence95's picture

Hehe. Thanks. Hmm...I

Hehe. Thanks.

Hmm...I dunno. I think it's gonna be fun to flirt with her and give her some hints and see where it takes us. I just hope it doesn't make me an asshole since she's dating someone.

Haha. Yes. I was convinced that I was madly in love with her. Now we don't even talk to each other. And I used to always see myself as ugly. It was all about my appearance, really. Thank goodness that ended.

What are Al' Cherch Jaers?

Tycoondashkid's picture

it is fun to flirt

and it won't make you a prick if you do

i cannot see that, you just leak self confidence now XD

Al' Cherch Jaers is Scots for Old Church Go-ers but is used as a term for conservatism at the same time

radiosilence95's picture

Ah. Well, let's just hope

Ah. Well, let's just hope her boyfriend doesn't somehow find out and hunt me down :P

Do I really? Huh. That's funny. And awesome :D

Tycoondashkid's picture

Jenna, Jenna, Jenna

alot of Guys like it when its 2 girls.

tis' indeed

Dracofangxxx's picture

HAPPY BIRFDAY

and tits
-
That's redick!

radiosilence95's picture

Thanks hun, but you're a day

Thanks hun, but you're a day early. But that's okay. I'll be expecting a birfday cake from you and everything :P

I'm partial to tits myself. Everybody always says ass, but noooo. Boobs are more fun :)

stillgotlegs's picture

"You'd think that the news

"You'd think that the news she's bi" When did this bombshell happen?! God I seem to have missed a couple of journals going by. Congratulations!

Ass or tits, ass or tits. No frikken clue, I check out both.
---
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

Tycoondashkid's picture

ill back you up

Jenna here asked Brittney if she was bi and brittney said it was complicated and either we thought or she did experiment and everybody said shes probably bi and ergo we think shes bi

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, tycoondashkid summed

Yeah, tycoondashkid summed it up nicely. I mean, when someone says their sexuality is, and I quote, "up in the air," then yeah, I'm thinking they're bisexual. She's just so hesitant to accept it. Which kills me. And this news definitely opens some doors ;)

I'm gonna go with tits. They're just more fun to look at.

Lehcure's picture

I hope you didn't end up

I hope you didn't end up spending Easter in the car today!
First thought, tits. But everyone loves a nice ass

radiosilence95's picture

I spent about an hour and a

I spent about an hour and a half in the car altogether today, so that's not bad at all. And dinner was bearable. No homophobic comments, laid back atmosphere. I started cramping really bad and had to retreat into my cousin's basement to rest though.

I'm guessing your Easter was spent in a car?

Lehcure's picture

Great, always a nice day

Great, always a nice day when there aren't homophobic comments! Hope the cramping stays away..
Nah, I spent today with family at my grandmother's house. But we're not even religious people..just an excuse to get together and let the kiddos do the egg hunt thing.