Spring break has been so very dull. The only thing worth mentioning, really, is the job interview I had yesterday. If I get this job I'll definitely be quitting the one I have now. The managers are rude as hell and they don't know how to run a business. This new place seems much nicer. Less greasy too. I'm hoping for a phone call soon. If I get hired I'll be a cook. Makin' pasta and other Italian foods.
My birthday is in two days, and right now I'm at my dad's for an early celebration. My grandma and my aunt are here, chatting about their cats. Hehe. The cancer has spread to my aunt's spine from her liver. The pills she's taking have had some...negative effects, to say the least. Apparently she hallucinates and is beginning to lose touch with reality. She's also extremely weak. It took her four attempts to successfully stand up after sitting for only five minutes. This may sound morbid, but I'm hoping the end comes soon so she doesn't have to suffer anymore. I feel like her death has been so painful and slow and dragged out.
I really, really miss Brittany. I considered asking her to hang out with me Friday, but I have a tactic. I'mma put some distance between us over spring break so she'll have a chance to miss me. We haven't texted at all. Plus I think five days apart from her may do me some good. The troubling this is if I miss her this much already, how the hell am I gonna handle summer? Shit. I can't allow myself to think about that.
You'd think that the news she's bi would make me all schoolgirl giddy, and it has, but it's also somewhat distressing. I catch myself formulating tactics and ideas to make her mine, and that's wrong. I don't want to have an agenda. This isn't a game. I just want to be there for her and maybe subtly let her know I'm interested, and let her decide how to respond to that interest. I'm just fighting to keep my intentions pure. She has a boyfriend. I need to respect that. But still...
If I play my cards right...ugh. I've been having this internal dialogue with myself. I guess my plan right now is to just drop hints and take it day by day. I'm trying really hard to not get ahead of myself.
I looked at my profile today because I was bored and I realized that I've been a member on this site for over a year now. Huh. That's so weird to think about. When I first joined, I didn't really know how to create happiness. I was still on the fence about my sexuality, I was ridiculously obsessed with Amber, and I had such low self-esteem. I honestly don't want to read my old journals because I love who I am today and I don't want to remember that girl from a year ago.
I scheduled a visit to my number one college April 25th. I'm gonna sit in on a lecture, talk to a creative writing major, and get a tour of the whole campus. I'm really excited, but I have to miss school. Dang it. The day before that I'm taking my ACT for the second time to see if I can get a 30 or higher. Yay.
Guess what tomorrow is? Easter! I have to dress up all snazzy. And then go to my grandma's church which is in a village of 900 people surrounded by nothing but farmland. God, it's like stepping into the 19th century. I hate it there. And my grandma's church friends will marvel at how big I've grown, and I'll stand there with a forced smile and wonder who the hell these old biddies are. I'll sit through two hours of organ music and crying babies and the fat preacher's rant about the miracles of Easter.
My aunt is hosting Easter at her house this year, which is odd because it's usually at my grandma's. That's gonna be predictable too. I'll sit in silence and pick at my ham while everyone gossips about the women on the church choir and foams at the mouth over politics and social concerns that they pretend to know everything about. I swear to fuck if anybody makes a homophobic comment, I'm leaving the table and I'm sitting in my mom's car until it's time to leave.
I remember when family gatherings used to be fun. But with every family gathering I attend it seems my resentment builds higher.
***Hey all you lesbians and bi people, I have a very important question for you: ass or tits?