Is he gay?

Papayaaa's picture

**** Explicit content ****
Please understand I have to share intimate details in order to have your advice.
Thank you.


Hi everyone,

Please give me your advice if possible.

I'm a straight woman in her thirties.
I met a man 1 year ago and we started going out.
We are having fun and I really like him.

We are not living together at this time and I have to say that I'm doubting about his orientation. I really like him but somethings make me think he is gay...

The signs are (please don't judge if you think some are stereotypical or cheesy - just tell me, thanks! i don't want to insult anyone here):

1. In bed, I can see that he is not that turned on by making love in a conventional way. He seems to prefer me to caress his intimates, gets really into it when I caresse further back and while making love, he likes us to share imaginative stories about threesome (with girls or guys) or else (he loves to talk). Plain sex doesn't seem enough to get him high and his 3/4 erection tells a lot about that.

2. He takes care of his body (he is athletic, in shape).

3. He is quite sensitive and quite classy. He has women friends of all ages and I don't feel that there is more than friendship involved.

4. He has gay friends but doesn't always hangs out with them. He has straight friends too.

5. He is mysterious.. I feel that he is nervous sometimes and I don't get him..

6. He told me that he really loved the movie Brokeback Mountain.

7. He is 42 and has never been married and always looked to be in impossible relationships (we are in a ldr right now).

8. While making love, I introduced the idea of having another man with us (while imagining stories) and he seemed as turned on by a man touching him than a woman..

Apart from that, he was the one that came to me in the first place. He is more passionate when we are far than when we are together.. ( in his writings and words, more demonstrative). He wants to be with me and have a family sometimes near..

What is your advice?

Thank you SO much for your time.

Papayaaa's picture

Might I add that he loves to

Might I add that he loves to go dance in bars on top 40 music..

Also, this guy is really great looking, so looks as not the reason he was never married..

anarchist's picture

Sounds like he's bisexual.

Or maybe even asexual. If he doesn't like sex that much, he probably is asexual. This would mean that he could be romantically attracted to women. But it sounds like he's equally attracted to men and women, so he can't be gay.

jeff's picture


I like the "explicit" disclaimer, and then the bawdy declaration that you "caress his intimates."

Beyond that, my suggestion is easy. Ask him. If you've known him for a year and can't discuss such a thing, that doesn't bode well anyway. Worst case scenario, he's gay. Fallback position, he shows you how not gay he is, in bed. Win win.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

elph's picture

The primary function...

...of Oasis is to provide a safe environment for gay, lesbian, transsexual, bisexual, and questioning youth (mostly 14-22) and their supporters to meet and discuss issues related to their orientations and daily lives.

Although Oasis is open to all, it would seem that since you do not personally meet any of the profiles of a typical participant, you'd probably have better luck in finding the advice you seek at any of the multitude of sites such as Dear Abby: