Meet My Bull

radiosilence95's picture

I remember when I used to get so offended or shocked whenever I would point out a random guy to a friend and ask her if she'd ever date him and her response would be somewhere along the lines of "Ew! No! He's so ugly!" Because I used to have this silly idea that love refuses to discriminate on the basis of appearance. When in reality, you can't really maintain a relationship with someone you're not physically attracted to. Let's be honest: if Brittany was 30 pounds overweight and had greasy hair and pimples, I would not be pursuing her right now and you wouldn't have to endure my constant rants about her. That's why it's so good that people have their own unique ideas of what beauty looks like, otherwise a bunch of people with the same physical traits would be lonely.

My friend Katie has been pretty obnoxious lately. She's just so harsh and critical. Everything I say is responded to with a "That's stupid!" or "God, you're such a dumb ass." She got into a huge argument with our friend Haylee over how to give a baby CPR. Yeah. She seems to enjoy arguing with everyone lately. I think she's depressed about her family life or something. Still, that's no excuse to act like a bitch. I'm glad she always leaves early on Mondays when we all go out to dinner, because my other two friends and I have been having more fun without her. She's so damn moody.

I added something to my bucket list: walk into a church holding hands with my girlfriend and seeing how everyone reacts. Cuddle up in the pews and shit. Pretend to pray holding hands. Also, if there's ever an anti-gay protest around, I wanna make out with my girlfriend hardcore in front of the protestors just to piss them off.

Brittany's prom was last night. She went with her boyfriend of course. You know, I really hope they had a good time together. I think every day it gets a bit easier for me to wish them happiness. If he makes her happy, then I'm happy for her. I have to be. Otherwise I would be a horrible friend.

That's another thing. It's also becoming easier to accept my role as a friend. I'm still not one hundred percent certain she does or does not like me "in that way," and I may never find out for certain unless I ask her. And I have to be content with that.

She graduates in two weeks. I'm really scared you guys. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. We'll definitely text and hang out after she graduates. I know that. So that's comforting. Still. I'm really gonna miss seeing that girl every day. I'll probably cry a lot. I have somewhat of a plan. I think I'll confess that I had a crush on her all year on the day she graduates. Or somewhere near then. Maybe. I don't know.

Damn it. I need to think of more things to write about than just Brittany.


MacAvity's picture

No you don't.

If she's what's important to you now, write about her. No need to write about anything else for us.

Confessing at graduation.... I don't know what to tell you there. I did it. I told someone I loved her at her graduation. And I don't know if it's a good idea. To me, it took her day - to me, it was the day she was leaving, to everyone else, the day she was passing a milestone - and made it hers, hers forever, always I will remember the 18th of June as the last time she spoke to me (we weren't staying in contact after that, unlike you and Brittany). But I wonder now if for everyone else, it might have taken the day that was supposed to be hers and made it mine - me tearful, me confessing love, me sobbing away on the bleachers and making a scene - and that was never what I wanted. I did it the way I did it because I knew it would look better in my memories - I was writing my own story, without thought to how it might affect hers.

I know your situation's not quite like mine was, and honestly, even if it was I wouldn't know what to tell you. Maybe just tell her in the context of 'I'm really going to miss you, because...' ?

Sorry to not be any help....

radiosilence95's picture

I just feel like in every

I just feel like in every journal of mine I'm always rambling about her and it's portraying me as this obsessed, lovesick dope. I know people get sick of seeing her name in my journals. Then again, these journals are for me and no one else...

If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would confess that maybe, deep down, the only reason I've been planning on revealing my feelings to her on her graduation day is just like yours: to create a memory, be it tragic or romantic or embarrassing, as long as it's something unforgettable. Something that I can take with me.

I doubt there would be tears or anything too drastic, but no matter how dramatic the confession would or wouldn't be, it would be selfish. This whole climactic graduation love confession has been an idea I've toyed with for a long time, but it is a selfish plan. It would indeed be taking her special day, one of the most important days of her life, and making it all about me and what I want and what I feel.

No, I think I'll go to her graduation, and I'll sit as close to the stage as possible, and I'll maybe tear up a little when she gets her diploma, and I'll approach her shyly after it's all said and done, and I'll wish her nothing but happiness, and I'll be glad knowing that she's an amazing person who will do amazing things.

I've been debating on this for awhile. Thank you. You helped me make my decision. Graduation confession=not a good idea.

elph's picture

My 2¢

All eventualities can never be predicted.

My advice: Make sure you remain friends; telling her risks so much... unless you know for sure that you have something to gain...

radiosilence95's picture

Maybe I have peace of mind

Maybe I have peace of mind to gain. Maybe if I tell her in the most relaxed, nonchalant way possible, it won't be a big deal and everything will be out in the open. I dunno. Maybe there will be a time for that, or maybe that time will never come and it'll be my little secret.

Super Duck's picture

Don't feel bad about writing

Don't feel bad about writing about her if that's what you want to do! I wrote about a girl every day for two years, after all. :p

Okay, so obviously, I was in a similar boat last year. But I did all the things you SHOULDN'T do. I loved FCG with all my angry little Super Duck heart, but I failed at getting this situation to work out in my favor. I failed for two reasons: 1.) I never told her exactly what she meant to me, and 2.) I lost contact with her because I didn't feel like I was as good as her other friends. I failed, and it is honestly one of my biggest regrets ever. Don't ever be a Super Duck.

I would suggest maybe telling her at some point in the summer. In person. Alone. Don't do it on the day she leaves for college for the same reason you decided not to at graduation. But please do it. You really will regret it if you don't. I didn't think I would regret it for ages like I was told I would, but it'll be a year this Friday, and thinking about that, I regret it now more than ever.
Everything will be okay if you don't do stupid stuff like I did. It will be really weird without her at school at first, but it'll be easier for you because you will stay friends with her at the very least! Maybe even more one day! :)

radiosilence95's picture

I've been getting so much

I've been getting so much mixed advice lately. I've had a few naysayers, and a few who believe I should tell her. But I think it's worth the smallest risk that she won't take it well. It would put everything out in the open, and I would finally get a straightforward answer to the question of her interest in me. Even if nothing develops, it'll probably strengthen our friendship just because of the honesty.

Everything is so up in the air right now; nothing is certain. Telling her would end that ambiguity. Definitely. So I think the pros of telling her far outweigh the cons.

MacAvity's picture

No, tell her.

Tell her, but do it at a time that may have significance for you, but wouldn't otherwise have significance for her.