Nothing in particular

MacAvity's picture

I don't even know why I'm writing this on Oasis. I don't know why I even bother sticking around Oasis anymore - this place is great for kids who need help and support with queer issues, but that's not me anymore. Still queer, yeah, and still a kid even if I'm getting toward the older side of the usual age range here, but not so much with the issues. Really, really lacking in issues right now. So much so that the list of Room 104 Problems looks kind of like this:

- Ron the ghostie is missing. This made Leah a bit upset last night, so we climbed out of bed and ransacked the room looking for Ron. Failing to find him, we made a 'MISSING: RON' sign on the handheld whiteboard, because walking around showing a whiteboard sign and asking everybody worked super well when we were trying to find out the name of the kid with the eyebrows.
- Not wanting to get out of bed in the mornings, not because being out of bed is bad, just because bed is so nice.
- Feeling like bad Americans because we can name all the English kings and queens more easily than we can name the Presidents of the United States. (At least I can name the presidents - just more slowly.)
- Homework... there's a lot of it, but it's not really a problem.
- Saw a poster for some sort of Geek Week - Create Your Own Tardis event, which is doomed to be disappointing. Nothing but disappointment can result when the expectation is that we bring our fantasy steampunk Tardis into reality and fly away to everywhere and anywhere with Ziggy the red panda and Mat Baynton. Damn expectations.
- Nikola Tesla won't kiss us when we use our Tardis to go visit him. Oh well. Guess there's always Shakespeare. Shakespeare'll kiss anyone.
- We can't do many of the 'historical shenanigans' we'd like to because they fall at other times of the year, like storming the Bastille is in July and blowing up Parliament is in November. Tomorrow we're going Paul Revering ('Twas the eighteenth of April, in seventy-five, and all that, we're going to traipse up and down the halls 'warning the colonists,' complete with tricorn hats), and on 15 March we 'assassinated Caesar' (wore togas and stabbed our Resident Adviser with our lightsabers), but those are the only historical shenanigans we can do.
- The Renaissance Faire is at an awkward time of the summer when we're not going to be here.
- We're science majors; why are so many of the things we do revolving around history?

Some 'problems,' eh?

What else? There was something else I was going to write about.... Oh yeah.

Learning about how the body works, in biology class. It's incredibly complicated. A single firing of a single neuron involves all sorts of proteins changing shape and ions flowing across membranes and electrical balances being carefully maintained and disturbed and restored, you just want to rest, and stop, and not put your cells through any more of that, and then you remember that an incredible number of neurons have to fire an incredible number of times just to allow you to have that thought, let alone write it down - and writing it down involves contracting many different muscles, each of which is made of an incredible number of muscle cells, which move because inconceivable numbers of actin and myosin proteins walk along each other, which takes ATP, which is produced through yet another complicated chemical process - and it's all a bit overwhelming. And then you remember that you don't need to rest and stop, because your body can do all those things, it's been doing it since long before you learned how complicated it all was, and your body never minded having to do all that before. And then you realize what a miracle a body is. And start wondering about all manner of stuff, like how did we get like this anyway; mess up one little thing and it all fails, how could trial and error have resulted in this - seems like so many errors would have been made early on that there would have been no chance for any trial to be successful. And then remember that thinking too much about that never leads anywhere, so just accept it and keep working on your lab notebook.


Aaaand... well, I'm finally enjoying the life of a sidekick, much like I wanted. I'm Leah's sidekick. We're actually more equal than sidekick and whatever-you-call-the-person-along-whose-side-the-sidekick-kicks, but she is more often the one doing the talking and leading and let's-do-this, and I'm more often following. Except maybe the let's-do-this part, I get in a lot of let's-do-this. And we're both a little guilty of the 'What do you do when I'm gone?' 'I wait for you to come back.' We sometimes don't know what to do without each other. I don't know. It's nice to be this close with someone. Even if she is a complete pest sometimes. Often.

I'm pretty sure Leah's the reason for my confusingly almost-straight-seeming-ness recently... Genderwise, she helps me be more feminine by providing a positive example of womanhood without having any expectations of my gender. 'We are strong women,' she'll say, '- well, a strong woman and what are you tonight?' 'Not strong,' is usually my response to that. But with her I'm almost always more a girl than anything else. This afternoon on the front lawn she was practicing a few words of Italian and asked if I'd rather be a (whatever's-the-Italian-for-'handsome man') or a bella donna, and we went with handsome man - 'handsome' tends to bring out the man in me; I may be a girl more often than not now, but I'd always rather be attractive as a guy.

Sexuality-wise... I think I just find people more attractive when someone agrees with me. Like at Rocky Horror - the woman with the sequined tailcoat in the band was pretty sexy, as was the guy playing Riffraff. But I just kind of thought, 'She's kind of hot, looks like she might be gay, too' and 'He's sort of attractive and wow can he sing! and I want that coat.' Then, during intermission, I commented to Leah something about 'I want Riffraff's coat,' (it was a very fabulous coat) and she said 'I want Riffraff!' To which I responded 'Well, yeah,' and throughout the rest of the evening we continued Riffraff appreciation, and I never mentioned the woman with the sequins, and even sort of forgot about her.

So I think the only reason I'm not fangirling out over any women right now is that I don't have anyone who's into women to fangirl over them with me.

Except that I know a lot of girls who fangirl way too hard over Benedict Cumberbatch, and I seem to be pretty immune to him. At least comparatively. Like, yeah, he's fairly attractive, but that many fangirls, that rabid? I don't understand at all. Scary, scary Cumberbitches. Good thing Mat Baynton (who is much, much prettier) is not nearly as famous, or he'd have scary fangirls all over the place too, and that would be bad. As it is, Leah and I are the only people we know who even know who he is and how very, very pretty he is. She doesn't want to admit that we're fangirls, but we totally are.

See how this doesn't really belong on Oasis? It belongs more on one of those, I don't know, other places on the internet where silly fangirls write about their silly fangirl things and not-problems and share pictures of pretty men - which, at least I've restrained myself from sharing any pictures of pretty men.
But he is so very attractive in every way. Like, I used to think it wasn't possible to be cute and sexy at the same time, but apparently it is.

Regardless. Haven't got anywhere else to write this... Not sure it really needed to be written, but whatever.

'Nother observation. The excessive and unreasonable happiness of a few weeks ago has subsided... but I still find myself never thinking anything negative. It's always 'Mondays are busy and inconveniently lacking in lunch breaks,' or 'Biology lab is a wicked lot of work,' never 'Mondays are so miserable' or 'Biology lab sucks.' Never a negative thought, never a bad mood. Often happy, usually neutral. More neutral than I can ever remember - last quarter, it was always 'I hate Fridays' and that sort of thing, even though I would have described my general state then as usually neutral with frequent happy as well. Plus Fridays, I suppose.

Avity out.


Dracofangxxx's picture

Agreed, about the being on Oasis thing.

I kinda hover, comment occasionally, and mostly stick around for Chad's stuff... I don't need much help accepting my sexuality anymore. It's already ~too damn fabulous~
That's redick!

elph's picture


Something happened? :(

radiosilence95's picture

If you leave Oasis, I will

If you leave Oasis, I will cry.

I've already accepted my sexuality too, and I think plenty of other users have as well. I stick around because this is the only communication I have with other gay people. It's good for me. I also like commenting whenever I have something useful (or sometimes useless) to say, y'know, helping people out.

I urge both you and MacAvity to stick around. Pleeeaaaase?

Dracofangxxx's picture


Sorry that I forgot, but you post way less than Chad and I have other means of discussing :P <3

Oh, I'm not leaving. It's too much fun! I just don't have much purpose of writing on here (except for mushy boyfriend stuff) and occasionally being critical of people ;)
That's redick!

elph's picture

I see that maybe I should reconsider... writing proclivities: If something is "implied" a bit too cryptically (I'm guilty!), an errant "inference" could result.

What I really meant by "Something happened?" was that "something didn't happen." And the "?" was to be interpreted as an expression of wonderment.

Chad's typical posting closing Oasis for the evening --- something very much looked forward to --- just never appeared! :(

So... one of your rationales for sticking around that particular evening... went unfulfilled...

But... we want you to stay... even if Chad, on rare occasions, disappoints! :)

jeff's picture


You can view Oasis as a means of helping others, too, once you're not as in need yourself. Commit to reading X journals per week and lending support, which is much easier once you've gone through those phases yourself.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

MacAvity's picture


I just feel like I don't have much to contribute to other people now. Nothing to say that someone else here can't say better.
I'll still hang around Oasis - mostly out of habit. Read most everything, comment sometimes, write a journal once in a while, kind of like I've been doing. But I feel like none of my activity here is doing anybody much good.

thoughtgoddess's picture

Gdi now I have the Nikola

Gdi now I have the Nikola Tesla song stuck in my head.

Ugh if I ever got to do a make-your-own tardis sort of thing I'd be that asshole snob who steals a bus to make Iris's smaller-on-the-inside TARDIS, or forces some poor redhead to go in costume as the girl who The Doctor accidentally transformed into a TARDIS back when morals were not his strong suit. And then I'd get to explain all 73 Eightht Doctor books and their various audio and print spinoffs and how most of New Who can be traced back to things that were already done in the books. /feelings

I know you're not hugely in to internetting and social media and such, but perhaps a livejournal might be a place for fangirling, and writing of the sort that might not directly apply to Oasis?

MacAvity's picture

Cool song.

Now I'm probably going to have it stuck in my head too. Heheheh. Tesla. See, that's why it's frustrating, having a time machine and him being all badass and handsome and generally amazing, and then him being asexual and refusing to kiss us time-travellers. Very annoying. Oh well.

Haven't read any of the books. Really don't intend to. Don't know who Iris is, don't really care to know.

I think I'll just keep the fangirling between me and my roommate. You're right about me not being hugely into internetting and social media. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

lonewolf678's picture


be that the case with me as well, it's nice to stick around. In this little place where everyone knows one another in a way. I guess I just got used to being here. Just making pop-ins from time to time is good. It's nice to have you here MacAvity.

Sam2000's picture

I love reading what you

I love reading what you write and I hope you stay here! I feel better knowing that there are older writers on here sharing their lives, and it gives me hope for a better future : )

I'll cry even harder if you leave : (.....


MacAvity's picture


Funny how threatening to leave always brings out all the comments.
But I wasn't threatening to leave, just saying that I'm staying more out of habit, because this site is so much a part of my life now, than because I think my being here is helping me or anyone else. But I am staying!