the struggle within....

hellonwheels's picture

never ceases, the storm of my mind, never stops....shit just...never changes.

Anyway, last night, I got an invite out to a barn party @ an old friend's farm.
My friend, an ex of mine from high school who I had briefly dated, invited me out via instant message and a text, and she seemed like she wanted to meet up with me, and catch up @ this bonfire/party thing...ok

So, I got cleaned up from my mtn bike ride, got ready to go, and meet up with her.

I got out to roughly where the party was, but it was pitch black...out in the country, there are no street lights, and hard to find ANY driveways or mailboxes at night, so I drove around for almost a half hour before I found the party.

I was also, probably, the gayest person there. A party full of rednecks with lifted trucks, and quads, and I drive up in that cute little focus the dealer conned my dad into buying after his stroke.

so much for not making an entrance...

well, finally found the party, and got there to a drunk ass jessica, and our friend johnny.

Now, jess has always had some issues, even when we dated, and she's definitely a bit crazy when she drinks, but this was even more than normal. Apparently, she thought I was someone else, another person by my name, and she thought she had invited someone she could hook up a friend with...LOL

anyway, I got there, and johnny HAD to show me his new jeep project, being the true redneck that he is...apparently, he blew up the motor in his jeep 4 wheeling,and got another comanche truck donated to him, a couple grand worht of truck for free...

he was really proud of his rebel confederate flag headliner too...done by hand...

as the night wore on, the party got more crowded, and jessica got progressively drunker. Apparently, she had hooked up with nearly every guy who lives in this house had hooked up with her since high school, and she has a reputation...

the one thing I really got out of the whole night there though, was how unlike these people I truly am now.

Though I am still a bit of a racist, and definitely a bit of a redneck...example, I like guns, I like trucks, I like beer....etc

I am really not LIKE them. I am not stupid. I don't have the intelligence of a young child, life is not described by the size of the wheels on my truck, having a 4 wheel drive, and how much used oil I can throw on the fire to make it burn faster...

I used to be one of them...Used to be.

And yet, I still am. I have definitely changed, and moved on, in a lot of ways...yet, these are still the peiople I grew up with, the people I know in my small town.

I love it, and yet I hate it. I am a redneck, yet I am a faggot. And i hate being a faggot.

God damn, there was this one hot girl there, lexi, running around in her daisy dukes, and every guy there was ooogling her, and I was like...damn it, why am I not into THAT??? she had such a nice badonkadonk...literally, like the butt of a goddess...

yet, when the guys got drunk and took their shirts off, oh man, I had trouble not losing it...sooo hot.

Johnny and Russel are truly cowboys....first, during beer pong, they were arm wrestling, then wrestling. then this country song, take it off came on, and when the girls took off their shirts, so did the boys...and man, were there some good lookin country boys there, I'll tell you what...Sorry, had to go for the king of the hill

but yeah, hot guys, taking off their shirts, then wrestlin right in front of me. hot.

and girls,moving their tatas as distractions while playing beer pong, and flirtingly dancing on other girls? oh man...if only I were straight. but I'm not, so it doesn't matter

all i know is, for the first time ever, I felt really, really out of place with those guys, and with some of my old friends.

I guess I am not the reckless, redneck I once was...

god I hate being damn much. Such a small thing, but it had such a fucking HUGE impact on my life!


jeff's picture


Who said being gay is a small thing?!

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Sam2000's picture

Where I live there's lots of

Where I live there's lots of rednecks but we call them hillbillies, so I feel your pain. First day of hunting season half the school's absent!

I agree with Jeff here, if being gay wasn't a big thing everyone would accept us.