A Reflection.

radiosilence95's picture

Today was Brittany's last day of high school. She's gone. All year long I dreaded this day. I saw it as a deadline of sorts, the end of the road. If I didn't win her affections by this day then it would be over and done. I would never see her again. I could not have been any more wrong, as usual. I found her at her locker after finals and we just hung around for awhile. She told me how weird it felt to actually be leaving high school. And last night she finally joined my friends and I for our typical Monday night dinner. She'll be coming every Monday from now on. We all laughed so hard we had headaches and we stayed as late as our mothers allowed.

When she said goodbye today, I didn't feel that dread, that sense of something ending. I only felt happiness. What the hell was I so worried about? She suggested we even do something this or next week, so she's already anxious to hang out over the summer. Plus I'll be seeing her most Mondays now. This isn't an end at all. I'm not spiraling into a torrent of despair. Huh. Who knew?

My junior year is coming to an end. This has been the greatest year of my high school career, and I have a feeling it'll trump my senior year. I feel like this year I've started to solidify who I really am, like I've finally started growing into my own skin. I threw myself out there to a girl I really liked and it all paid off. We're close friends now. I finally grew the nerve to drop the former "love of my life," so I no longer had to deal with her. I found my niche in a group of awesome friends who love and accept me and bring me joy. I've come out to a handful of people. I've blossomed out of my little shell, become more sociable and likeable. My confidence. My self-esteem. My identity. They've all developed so much this year.

It's the littlest things that are the biggest things. I still have a difficult time believing that just before Christmas break, I only vaguely knew who Brittany was. I was still shy and hesitant and always fighting silently for her attention. Now we always talk. Fuck, I'm even sharing poems with the girl. It used to be that sharing poetry with anyone was a huge feat, let alone sharing it with a girl I'm head over heels for. I started conversations with her. I pushed myself to take those first steps. I got a few shoves here and there from friends (thank you, Shelby), but I still did it myself. Imagine where I would be if I hadn't had the courage to reach out to Brittany. She'd still be a stranger, someone I'm dying to know but still know nothing about.

I really have found out who my true friends are this year. Most of my friends from sophomore year are gone now. They have their preoccupations, their distractions and priorities. So it goes. I hate to turn my back on them, but in the process I found my current friends. These guys are amazing. They don't mind at all that I'm gay of course, they're hilarious as hell, and they're completely drama-free. I've forgotten every issue from sophomore year, most of all Amber. Not too long ago my life was all about her. I don't need her around anymore. I don't hate her, I just don't want to deal with her any longer. Brittany has shown me what a real infatuation is like. It's not supposed to be horrifying or depressing or tempestuous like it was with Amber.

I'm going to miss seeing Brittany every day. I'm going to miss scanning the halls for her between classes and walking her to seventh hour and listening to that incredible laugh. I'm going to miss the daily routine that I took for granted more than a few times. I don't know what's going to happen. I know we'll hang out throughout the summer, but I don't know what happens after that. I don't know what happens when she starts college and I start school again as a senior. I don't know if we'll have time for each other and I don't know if we'll stay in touch. I don't know if she's going to the same college as I plan to like she talked about. At least we're guaranteed the summer. We'll have that. I don't know what's going to happen in the distant future.

And I have to be okay with that. I don't have a single regret from this year. I'll always cherish it. Not just because of the little moments I shared with Brittany, but because of the moments I've shared with my friends, because of the growth I've experienced as a person.

Comments

Tycoondashkid's picture

i leaving high school on the 25th

just 2 days of School, dam, just 2 exams then ill never see any of my friends again, a odd feeling, ill miss all my friends but ill be free from my mothers evil grasp.

i wish i could win Ian's affection, alas he is straight, i don't really know how to feel, i feel like crying in both happiness and sadness i can't explain it, its like my feelings are without locks and they won't stop.

i seriously am confused as hell right now

radiosilence95's picture

Summer doesn't mean never

Summer doesn't mean never seeing your friends again. My friends and I plan on hanging out as often as possible during summer, and you and your friends should do the same.

If he's clearly straight and there's no question about it, what else is there to do but move on? No confusion necessary, I don't think. The good thing is that it doesn't have to be all or nothing with you and Ian. You guys could still be friends and enjoy each other's company. Do you have his number or do you talk to him very much?

Tycoondashkid's picture

well im moving to the opposite side of the country

so i pretty much does (although opposite side isn't actually THAT long, its about a hour drive, its a thin part of Scotland) i can't drive, so im stuck.

i think hes straight but he keeps sending me mixed signels and its confusing as hell, and i can't just get over him, ive liked him since P6 thats about 6 years of crushing and ultimate fails, and i knew him for 6 years before that too, you joking? i don't even have a phone, and he sort of disappears and reappears

people always jokes that hes dead in a south park style, it kills me a little

radiosilence95's picture

Ah. Then you have

Ah. Then you have electronics at your disposal, yes? And you will have an opportunity to make new friends in due time.

So you don't know for sure that he's straight. Hm. Do you and him both have a Facebook or any social networking site? You could stay in touch that way. Otherwise, maybe it's just not meant to be?

Tycoondashkid's picture

he has FB

but he's never on

elph's picture

It would be a shame...

...to allow these circumstances to separate two long-standing friends!

FB is much too unwieldy and its security is constantly open to question... so don't fret that medium! But why not keep in touch by pedestrian, old-fashioned email?

Have you asked Ian what his wishes may be for maintaining contact and your friendship?

Tycoondashkid's picture

he has a email

but he can't get into it as he lost his password and cant answer his security question, yet is too lazy to make a new one

elph's picture

I think a baseball bat is needed...

It can't be that difficult! The service provider has to be able to assist him to either retrieve his old password or to create a new one!

Sheesh....

Tycoondashkid's picture

im going to have a hard time securing a baseball bat here

but he is just too dam lazy when it comes to these things

Quietwarrior's picture

-

I have just realised i am in the same year as you and I cant believe how much i have grown up in this year from September. I cant really explain it in detail but i feel like i have started to move on with a few things and the best thing is that i have made new friends along the way. However whist doing this, i discovered the less appealing traits of my old friends, who i am still with, but i know thinks will fade and i am quite comfortable for the moment to keep going. Its just really funny how just 6 months can change you.

radiosilence95's picture

Yeah, I feel extremely

Yeah, I feel extremely different from when I first began junior year. I feel a lot better actually. Six months really has done quite a lot to me. My old friends aren't really worth my time either. They're not bad people, they just gravitate around their boyfriends or they have jobs or extracurricular activities. We also seem to have less in common than we used to, so whenever we do talk there's not that much to say.