Confessions

Uncertain's picture

So I saw his brother in the crowd last night, which reminded me of him. It was only a shadow of him, nothing like the real thing, because after all it wasn't him. It was an eerie feeling, because they looked so similar, except one I knew so well, and the other is almost a stranger; yet the sight of the latter made my heart sink. His brother carried an almost hollow resemblance of him, and embodied what I didn't want to be reminded of: how far away he was despite the close and lasting impact he has had on my life.

We crossed paths next to the dancefloor, and we saw blankly through each other. I even did the hand-on-their-arm nudge thing when you want to move someone out of your way. It was weird. Then he recognised me outside, and said hi. He was super nice, but I wouldn't really know because I was not exactly sober. I was with my friends, they had no idea. I talked to him like I would talk to anyone.

I didn't get the clerkship offer I talked about. I guess that's alright. I already knew because my other friends got calls and I didn't. It's only gutting because (1) I wanted to prove I could get it, (2) many of my friends got one and (3) I want the money. But it's also good that I didn't get it; I would've felt like I was turning my back on something. I live an extremely extravagant lifestyle, but beyond that corporate life interests me little. I am lost as to what I want. I guess I will approach my lecturer for a studentship.

I feel like I am at another trough in my life. I just wish there was some consistency. The enjoyment of things are starting to bleed away again. The world just appears a little pointless. I cannot see anything as an end in themselves, all happiness seems transient again and I've become painfully aware (again) of my inadequacies. I wish I could grasp onto something permanent and worthwhile. It's times like these I become reckless with myself, I stop caring about academics, obligations and my health. And I can deconstruct all of those things, but I won't. They are all only supposed to be means to something greater - it all appears to be a lie.

I really do miss him. Not in a obsessive-heart-wrenching-life-twisting kind of way. Just a I really do miss him kind of way. It's as simple as that. In a let's-just-go-home-and-lie-in-bed-and-watch-a-movie kind of way, instead of all this drug-infused grade-driven alcohol-drowning dancing, socialisation, partying, money-seeking popularity-social-climbing friend-collecting mind-numbing 'thing' I'm doing, of trying -trying- so hard to prove something or anything to myself, and god knows what that might be.

Just there was at least some sort of point to everything I did in my life back then, even though we did fight a lot. At least I could stand up for something. Now I'm just drifting and drifting, not quite sure where I'm heading or if anywhere is the right place to go.

Comments

elph's picture

Thanks for this glimpse inside...

Please allow it to stay... The verbal pictures are intensely vivid...