Do you know you're an utter piece of shit? You come back unannounced, just when I thought I was over you, and you turn up in my life again, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You still do that stupid thing with your hand and I hate the way you act and talk. I hate how you get to start a new life in a new country, and I'm stuck here, a somebody in nowhere. I hate how you act like you're in control, like you don't care, and I really don't know how you really feel, but none of that matters, because we all know what is best for us. I hate how you have to fucking mess with my head, I hate how you apologised to me about how you treated me, because it makes hating you even harder. I hate how you seem so nonchalant, how you seem to think you know me, judge me, self-centred, arrogant, prick, why can't you just stay out of my life. I hate how you just seem to use me, I hate how you have a close and supportive family. I hate how you seem to impart advice, this just-move-on mentality, seriously, you're the last person I need it from. I hate how you couldn't have been more cruel, or just more honest, more brutal, I hate how I have to blame everything on you, I hate how you were the only one that really knew me, the one that was there, the one I only and truly loved, the one I made sacrifices for, all the time and energy, the emotional breakdowns when you left, when I told you you had to go, when I could've made you stay, everything would've worked out nice, we would get our own house, live together, watch a movie together, argue about the dumbest things, oh god, god I hate you so much. Why did you have to be the only person that really knew me, that took me as I was, held me tight and told me everything was going to be okay, why did I have to feel sorry for you and do long distance when it would've have been easier to just break up last year so I could have closure, but no I keep gravitating to and away from you, cold and then break-down-screaming-fuck-I-miss-you-hate-you so much why is this so hard - why are you just so different, so special, a figment of my imagination, idealised, but I accepted all your flaws like you did mine, but I still don't think anyone can ever match that, match that imagined you, what I thought we had, this is my life, and we had our love in a place that was never going to work out, we saw the end, we saw it coming, like a train sounding louder and louder at the end of a tunnel, we saw it coming, and you ran, ran, and ran all the way to the other side of the world, instead I closed my eyes and tried to push pause. Fuck. We used to do so many things together, I hate how this whole world reminds me of you, I can't believe you gave my teddy away, I hope you still kept the card, I wonder if you still read it, I am hopeless, I am so goddamn lost, I cannot think, I am withdrawn, I can't feel any happiness, I have no motivation for anything, I am awkward-depressed around my friends since you've been back, please god, please just leave already, I feel sick, I have not eaten for days except for the occasional snack, I will get over you, I can feel it happening, but god damnit fuck you for making this so hard. I know I can do it, I just wish you could've made this easier for me, somehow.