Dear T

Uncertain's picture

Dear T,

Do you know you're an utter piece of shit? You come back unannounced, just when I thought I was over you, and you turn up in my life again, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You still do that stupid thing with your hand and I hate the way you act and talk. I hate how you get to start a new life in a new country, and I'm stuck here, a somebody in nowhere. I hate how you act like you're in control, like you don't care, and I really don't know how you really feel, but none of that matters, because we all know what is best for us. I hate how you have to fucking mess with my head, I hate how you apologised to me about how you treated me, because it makes hating you even harder. I hate how you seem so nonchalant, how you seem to think you know me, judge me, self-centred, arrogant, prick, why can't you just stay out of my life. I hate how you just seem to use me, I hate how you have a close and supportive family. I hate how you seem to impart advice, this just-move-on mentality, seriously, you're the last person I need it from. I hate how you couldn't have been more cruel, or just more honest, more brutal, I hate how I have to blame everything on you, I hate how you were the only one that really knew me, the one that was there, the one I only and truly loved, the one I made sacrifices for, all the time and energy, the emotional breakdowns when you left, when I told you you had to go, when I could've made you stay, everything would've worked out nice, we would get our own house, live together, watch a movie together, argue about the dumbest things, oh god, god I hate you so much. Why did you have to be the only person that really knew me, that took me as I was, held me tight and told me everything was going to be okay, why did I have to feel sorry for you and do long distance when it would've have been easier to just break up last year so I could have closure, but no I keep gravitating to and away from you, cold and then break-down-screaming-fuck-I-miss-you-hate-you so much why is this so hard - why are you just so different, so special, a figment of my imagination, idealised, but I accepted all your flaws like you did mine, but I still don't think anyone can ever match that, match that imagined you, what I thought we had, this is my life, and we had our love in a place that was never going to work out, we saw the end, we saw it coming, like a train sounding louder and louder at the end of a tunnel, we saw it coming, and you ran, ran, and ran all the way to the other side of the world, instead I closed my eyes and tried to push pause. Fuck. We used to do so many things together, I hate how this whole world reminds me of you, I can't believe you gave my teddy away, I hope you still kept the card, I wonder if you still read it, I am hopeless, I am so goddamn lost, I cannot think, I am withdrawn, I can't feel any happiness, I have no motivation for anything, I am awkward-depressed around my friends since you've been back, please god, please just leave already, I feel sick, I have not eaten for days except for the occasional snack, I will get over you, I can feel it happening, but god damnit fuck you for making this so hard. I know I can do it, I just wish you could've made this easier for me, somehow.

Sincerely,

Max

Comments

elph's picture

OMG... Please DO NOT delete!

This is so expressive... so sincere... so evocative... so naming the truth!

Your love was so intense... and yet so devastating!

Empathic tears are only now slowing... just a bit!

Please stay!

jeff's picture

Hmm...

You say you hate all these things. I remain unconvinced.

Of course, what is on display here is how open you let yourself be to receive his love, how deep you let him get in. The more pain you feel now is a good thing for that reason. A lot of people cynically limit their vulnerability to limit their potential future pain, but that isn't letting love make deep roots.

So, the trick is to go through this pain, and then when the next love comes along, knowing full well how much it can hurt you, to let yourself be this open again, so that you can experience a love that deep again. There is a tendency to be more guarded and protective at first, which is fine. But at a certain point, you have to open yourself to being hurt again.

So, your ache is as powerful as your love, and you should feel good in how bad it feels, because it shows a level of success that many people protect themselves from feeling, which is ultimately a bad instinct.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

elph's picture

This provides little balm for the current pain...

Nevertheless, it's very sage advice!

You've got Max pegged! I wouldn't want his innate nature to change... just that he proceed next time a bit wiser...

jeff's picture

Well...

There is no balm for heartache, except new love or time.

I recommend fetishizing the misery of it all as a reminder of how intense the beauty also was. In love, pain is always success.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

jeff's picture

And...

Since I gave everyone else a tacky video today, here's yours:

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

angel syndrome's picture

In some ways, it seems as

In some ways, it seems as though this unrequited longing is almost lovelier than the real thing - because all that is in longing is unreal, a dream! and who could refuse a dream? Besides this, I think that jeff has covered the essentials.

Uncertain's picture

Thanks for all the feedback

Thanks for all the feedback guys, have taken it to heart.