desire

Quietwarrior's picture

Its has just gone three in the afternoon and Im still stuck under the covers of my bed. I did this mostly yesterday too. Its like I am having repetitive hangovers. Except for the fact I have never been drunk or had a hangover before, so that does not compensate. I don't really know whats wrong with me. I know its laziness, but I cant help but feel that there is something deeper going on. After again watching about 5 episodes of SATC, i came to realise one of the reasons on why i am so addicted.

It's their friendship group. Though i have my sets of friends, of which i go to lunch with, have fun and laugh loudly, i am an outsider of the group. One of the factors is simple, i am the only male. But the amount of occasions that my Ipod has become my best friend is stupid. I watch these episodes of miranda, carrie, Samantha and charlotte having such great discussions and fun, and yes i do realise that it is fiction, but I cant help but wonder how much i desire for this.

Now the problem is that this year i have meet 3 great new female friends, all in separate paths. One of them is a lesbian, who i meet a few weeks ago and goes to a different school to me. I cant tell you enough the great discussions we have had and how much we have in common. She is basically one of the best friends i have meet in such a long time, as we share a lot of views and she actually has DEPTH to her. Nearly all my normal friends at school are nice,funny and sweet, but they can be seriously so vapid. Since i am an obsessive person with pretty much everything, this can be such a stark contrast to deal with, thus why i feel lonely in my circle of friends. So the annoying part with my new friend called EL is that i only see her once a week, due to her going to another school and at the moment she has exam stuff, revision etc. Also at the moment we are at this stage were we are friends by going out for coffees, going to the cinema, going to gigs - so anything that costs. I don't know how to fully explain this but we have not got to a stage where we invited each others to our houses and do things that more laid back and comfortable.

But the thing is that I wish i could chuck my school friends and put EL in my school, and then be able to see each other a lot more. I feel like i am writing from as if i am in a romantic relationship, but I really have found a friend that connects to me. Sure it sounds corny, but it links back to my desire from the SATC episodes to have that strong unity of friends.

A classic example of how dis-connected my old friendship group is that i wanted to ring my best friend (Well from the perspective of myself, i don't think hers) today because i was feeling a bit down from being in bed all day and also was inspired to ring and have a good chat, like what the characters in SATC do frequently. So they may be a good reason for this, but from lunchtime, I have been unsuccessful in contacting her. I am pretty sure she is home today and the worst is that she has caller I-D, so she knows it is me. This problem has arisen a few times before in the past and i just feel like she is simply ignoring me.

And you know what, i felt really sad. As if its not hard enough to deal with that I am 17 and knowing I wont get my first kiss or anything romantic anytime soon, i have a pretty weak support system of friends. I don't tell them i am feeling sad or lonely, as i know they will just give very crap advise and then bitch behind my back, to my other friends. Then everybody will know my problems and find me whiney, when really all i want its to feel safe. And I just don't.

I fully understand that friendships are not how television and movies present to us, but I cant help but keep my desire for this longing to become true. I want to break from my circle, but there is so many obstacles in my way, I don't think i will for a long time.

Comments

elph's picture

No one to chase you out of bed?

And what about school? Surely... summer vacation has not already begun?

I'm not sure if you have another year before attending university... but it may be that the comradery you're longing for may have to wait until then.

You've set quite high standards... and it's not easy to casually find others your age who share similar artistic and intellectual interests.

I truly wish I could be a bit more encouraging beyond just saying, "Hang in there just a little longer..."

btw... I suspect there's a perfectly rational explanation (which you'll soon discover) for why EL is not answering her cell. I'd doubt that she's just avoiding you...

jeff's picture

Err...

Who'd chase him out of bed?!?

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

elph's picture

Not biting...

I'll let this one pass.

jeff's picture

Uhh...

It does pretty well as a pithy standalone remark.

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Quietwarrior's picture

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Well I am on study leave at the moment, as I am doing exams, so when I don't have an exam, I don't have to go to school, so I can revise at home. And no unfortunately my summer starts later then america on July 20th, but after my last exam on monday, I do get just under 3 weeks holiday till i go back!
Also you got confused EL is the new lesbian friend i have a lot in common with, but the person on the phone is called Em, who is from the older friendship circle.

jeff's picture

I'm confused...

Why you have an all-female group of friends, yet don't feel comfortable sharing your feelings with them. Girls and gays love this relationship, so you have all the ingredients available...

Also, if you don't open yourself up to the group, the question is who made you an outside in the group? Them? Or you? If you're gay and they're all women, there's no barrier to friendship, that typically only kicks in if you want to fuck them, etc.

Then again, if they would gossip about you to others (within the group is obviously fine, as we known from SATC), are they truly friends?

It seems like you can choose to deepen your connection to the group, or if they are people likely to cut you down to others, get away from them. In either case, if you're certain of the success/failure, the path is clear, no?

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Quietwarrior's picture

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The thing is that they like me talking about who i fancy and all that stuff, but if i was upset its not like i can ring them up, as i know what the repercussions would happen (i.e the silent gossiping). I want to be friends with them, but to move out of the circle, its just as a person i find it hard to be sociable to whole new circle and i think its going to take time for me to change this. And yes i am lucky in what you say with the girl, gay relationship, but again i think as them as just people, they don't share the same thoughts as I do.