Gender and Sexual Orientation

centerfielder08's picture

So it's been more than 12 hours...I'm aware of that.

I would apologize, say I'm sorry, and guilt myself into feeling terribly for my failures. But I am not going to. There's nothing that I should feel sorry for, in relation to journaling/not-journaling on here.

There are two unrelated topics about which I'd like to write. But they don't really fit nicely together, so I'll pick one and then do another one as a separate journal entry.

I believe that there is absolutely no connection or correlation or anything between sexual orientation and gender identity/expression. They have absolutely nothing in common and are not nearly related in any manner whatsoever.

I spoke the other day with my therapist about these two subjects: sexual orientation and gender.

I've tried to avoid this subject as much as possible because I'm embarrassed and confused, which adds to the embarrassment, I guess.

I've hid this for all too long. I don't know my sexual orientation.

I really want to say more but I just don't know how. I still feel so weird about it all.

:/

What I will say, however, is that on my Fb profile, the one in which I am not out (aka I'm a female, with birth name and female pronouns), I have the following:
Sex:Female
Interested in: Women

I don't know if I feel the same still. But I don't want to take this out and then lose the queer visibility because I feel like having that there helps others who may identify as lgbtqa* etc. just knowing that there is someone else (me) out there and that the other person is not alone. So I don't know.

If I take out the "Sex: Female" then I am afraid that there will be ripple effects, such as: people congratulating me on coming out (those who know about my gender-y stuff), people asking why I took that info off...or there's the thing that no one will read into it as much as me and so none of this will matter.

But, I don't know. And if I take down the "Interested In: Women" part, then I'm afraid to be assumed to be straight (not there is anything wrong with being straight, but I'm not straight).

So confused.

And I don't want guys coming after me, looking for a relationship.

Well, I don't know that I should keep writing. I'm afraid to come out....even on here. :(

~Eli.

Comments

Bosemaster42's picture

Gender/Sexual Orientation

I can only give you my opinion on this, however, I believe they are separate issues. Sexual orientation, is manifested usually just prior or during puberty according to the experts. I think they need to research this more, because my own experience was somewhat different. I knew I was attracted to other boys by age 9. Even though I didn't truly understand it. I couldn't define it at that age. I was still innocent. I knew what was expected of me as far as, relationships with girls etc. However, I really didn't desire that and still didn't 'fully' understand why. As puberty arrived, I was attracted to boys, liked girls as 'friends' but I felt nothing(maybe slight embarassment) like love. My first gay experience was with my cousin, who initiated the whole thing. The difference between us two: A year later i tried to get him to do it again and he flatly said,"No way that's fucking gay!" Apparently, he forgot what he had started the previous year.(We were both 11 the first time) I played it off with him, but it really fucked with my head. I thought i was a freak!

Bosemaster42's picture

Finish my answer

I meant to finish on gender identity, but I was pulled away from the computer. I think males or females who may have a gender issue don't feel right in their own body. Not just sexually either, although that has an impact. But they feel more comfortable being the opposite of what they were born. In my own case, I'm quite happy with being male and everything that comes with it, but I'm more comfortable being intimate with a guy. I hope that makes some kind of sense to you.

centerfielder08's picture

I agree with you to a

I agree with you to a certain extent. I agree that gender and sexual orientation are separate from one another.

I don't agree, however, that someone with a gender "issue" (it's not necessarily an issue....) doesn't feel right in their own body.
I feel like I was born in the correct body.

Also, I don't think sexuality has anything at all to do with gender differences.

And I don't want to sound harsh, but this is just a pet peeve of mine that I hear a lot of people talk about, so I wanted to address it politely here. Saying "But they feel more comfortable being the opposite of what they were born" is very problematic for a few reasons:
-gender is not a binary (aka, it is not one or the other (man or woman)). there are more than two categories of gender and so to say the "opposite" of how they were born is just solidifying the gender binary.
- i dont fit in the gender binary so alot of what you wrote is problematic for me.
-also i dont know how to explain it, but its not (at least not for me) a thing about feeling more comfortable as a boy. it doesnt really have to do with comfort. i mean i guess it does a little bit, but not nearly that much.

sorry to pick apart your words. feel free to respond.