I think I was just really close to getting a date, maybe.
This is good.
This is very good.
The none whatsoever ever is looking far less bleak now.
Especially since I am now aware that I've been on more than one date in the past. I used to only count Winter Formal sophomore year of high school, when a guy I'll call Bopie asked me and we went but we were both super awkward about it and never did anything more than hold hands when Grey forced us to, and I don't know how he felt about me but I certainly was not attracted to him and viewed him as nothing more than a dance partner (even though we didn't dance much). But that went moderately okay, so we did hang out together some after that, and I asked him to the next dance (just as a dance partner), so I think that might actually have been a second date. Like, the first one was okay, so we had a second one, and it wasn't great, and we stayed sort-of-friends but stopped trying for anything else.
And then last year (wow was it only last year it seems so much longer ago than that) all those picnics and suchlike with Ladybug. I didn't want them to be dates, because I didn't like her that way either, and I kind of wondered sometimes, 'This almost looks like a date, could this be a date? I don't want this to be a date. Naah, this isn't a date.'
And then some time earlier this week, Leah was talking to me about dates, and it made me realize that oh, those totally were dates that Ladybug was taking me on. Oops. The picnics, the movies at her house, the sitting in the back of the bookshop looking at art books, that one time we might have gone to that coffeeshop downtown that Leah described as her ideal date location before ever knowing that it was a real place in town. That time that she must have been trying to tell me that she liked me - asking me for queer advice because she wasn't sure if she was just bi or had really turned gay, because she had a crush on a girl and she wasn't sure whether she'd like boys again. I never asked who it was; I didn't want to have to face it being me.
I wonder if Regi was trying to ship us together when she excitedly suggested 'You should go to prom with Ladybug!!!' I was at least aware enough to refuse to go to prom with Ladybug, even after she casually asked me first. I hope I wasn't being cruel; I was just trying not to lead her on.
I guess it's all distant enough now that I can acknowledge it for what it was. I hope she wasn't hurt at all; I think she wasn't more than maybe disappointed.
And I can count those times as dates. Which means I've been on several dates!
Times that don't count as dates:
When I asked Grey to a movie. It's definitely not a date if the girl already has a serious boyfriend. We didn't end up going, anyway, because of time issues.
Any time Leigh and I did anything. We were already well established as friends; it would take a hand-hold to promote a friendly outing to a date by that time, regardless of what either of us wanted. I'm trying to remember if he paid for my ticket that time he took me to see Howl's Moving Castle - I don't remember. That was probably our most date-like friendly outing. I know I paid for my own ticket to Up.
This time! This time it was I who did the asking, and in fact I who have made all the advances - he has done nothing but receive my advances well. I invited Geoffrey to the next Civil War Ball - "A bunch of people and I are going; you're invited if you'd like," I said. He said it sounded fun, but he'd have to check his schedule. Alas, the schedule conflicted, "but let me know about any other events like this and I'd be happy to go!" So maybe next time.
Next time's not until October. But that's okay.
Plus, this has opened up a sort of channel of communication - maybe after this he'll think to invite me to something or other, now that we have that kind of relationship. It could happen. If it doesn't, that's okay too. I feel good just having asked, and having gotten a positive response.
I currently have neither the time nor the desire for a romantic relationship, but I would like a flirtation, which is an altogether different thing. Leah and Cyborg have a flirtation, it's very cute and she's enjoying it very much.
I don't think I've mentioned Cyborg before, which is odd, because he's kind of a big presence around here now, because of his flirtation with Leah and all. He's completely off-limits because he's a Resident Adviser, and even in a few weeks when he won't be our Resident Adviser, he'll still be asexual, but maybe it's because of those reasons that they have such a good flirtation - all they can do is flirt, and not even admit that they're flirting. Cyborg's not even allowed to admit that he likes a resident friendwise, but he obviously is friends with some of us, and obviously very fond of Leah. He's a lovable cyborg, with a cute goofy grin. Direct and character-illustrating quote: "I'm programmed to like tea parties!"
So that's the kind of thing I'm wanting, and my prospects look not-so-dim-anymore in that direction. The none whatsoever is lightening.
Heheheh. Now that I've expressed my happiness over almost getting a date, I'm starting to feel the frustration over not actually getting a date...
And enjoying even that frustration.
This is a new thing for me. Sort of.