[insert witty title that's a call for help here]

Tycoondashkid's picture

first 3 new poems, i would like a critique please, but i wouldn't be bothered if no one did

http://tycoondasher.deviantart.com/gallery/36530775#/d50cpxh this one is really just an account of the last 3 years

http://tycoondasher.deviantart.com/gallery/36530775#/d50t3q0 this one is a account of Iain

http://tycoondasher.deviantart.com/gallery/36530775#/d50t54y and finally this one is just a joke one based of this weekend

on to main subject, Iain, i only get to see him 2 more times, i don't know if i should tell him i like him or not HELP!

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I never critique fiction/poetry, btw.

Why do you only get to see him two more times?

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

-

2 more Exams = 2 Days left of School, then im done, and moving to West Lothian

jeff's picture

So...

In this day and age, why would that matter? Add him on Facebook, stay in touch, maybe you'll end up at the same college, live in the same town, etc., it's impossible to know.

But, if you put off telling him this long, I'm not sure what the point would be now. If he's into the idea, oh well, he's about to leave. If he's not into it, you taint the end of your time together. So, I think you waited too long.

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

well

hes never on Facebook, never checks his email or phone, were not going to college nor live in the same town

i want to get it of my chest before i leave

and about the Without You thing i doubt ill be able to afford it

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I don't see the point of getting it off your chest, but sounds like you never hear from him anyway, so it wouldn't affect your future communications. ;-)

Think outside the box, girl. If you want to go, I can see about hooking you up with a ticket through Anthony, even if he made me pay him for it.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

-

its just i feel i have to get it out

please don't i don't want to go knowing it will cost other people money, plus id just be able to see it on video for free soon after

jeff's picture

Err...

Theater is usually not available on video afterward. That's part of its magic.

Plus, too late, I already asked Anthony about it. So, I'll let you know what he says.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

Its Scotland, Jeff

we bootleg all forms of Media, threaten with Jail or not, goddam it

jeff's picture

BTW...

My friend Anthony Rapp is bringing his show Without You to Edinburgh Fringe this summer, which documents his time in Rent and his mother's death, and I'd highly recommend checking it out.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

radiosilence95's picture

Tell him to check his phone

Tell him to check his phone more often and text the kid, maybe even call him. Let him know it's important to you that you guys stay in touch, and if he also sees it as a priority, he'll pay more attention to his phone.

But I gotta agree with Jeff, telling him wouldn't do you any good now.

Tycoondashkid's picture

easier said than done

hes probably lost it or something, plus from his history he does things less once they turn into priority

i don't know why but i feel i have to tell him

radiosilence95's picture

Well, you know, if your gut

Well, you know, if your gut says tell him and that's really what would make you feel better, then go for it. Just brace yourself for the worst and hope for the best. Prepare yourself for any possible reaction he might give you.

Also, don't make it too dramatic, just be chill about it so you don't freak him out. I mean, don't get on your knees and cry and be all, "I'm madly in love with you and I think we should totes get married!"

Tycoondashkid's picture

Well What if i say

"i ship you and me so hard" that would be not dramatic would it

jeff's picture

Depends...

Would he have a clue what that means? I don't. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

yes

it means you imagine, draw or write about 2 fictional characters in a relationship although most shipping is porn, fapfics/clopfics and sappy romance

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Or you can express your interest in proper English? Or as close as a Scot can get to proper English? ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

-_-

Shipping isn't Scot's, Shipping is Internet speak not Scots

i could basically go up to anyone and Go: oo I love ya and everybody in the WHOLE ENGLISH SPEAKING WORLD would understand

jeff's picture

That's my point...

Dump the texting/Internet speak when in person.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

-

"i ship us so hard" sounds much better than "i pair us up romantically and sexually alot"

jeff's picture

Well...

Yes, if you have to choose between two awkward phrased sentences, it is a bit of a draw.

But, you can also do a "I just wanted you to know that I've always had a bit of a crush on you, and hoped it might develop into something more."

Or, something easier on him: "I hope someday I find a gay version of you to go out with. That'd be my ideal." (That one doesn't imply or question him being gay, so you get your feelings out, and don't drag him into thing in the process.)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

i may edit

your first statement to say "i just wanted you to know that i've always had a bit of a crush on you" leaving out the "and hoped it might develop into something more" as that would never happen

Tycoondashkid's picture

hey guys

http://tycoondasher.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d50tx4r
the First Part of my Sadist story, no Sadism yet, its mostly building character, plot and setting up for all the dark bloody action

jeff's picture

Curious...

Is there a reason why the one poem is nearly verbatim NIN lyrics?!

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

???

who is Verbatim NIN? never heard of him/her/them

jeff's picture

Err...

Nine Inch Nails.

The poem I saw (the first link above) was basically the lyrics to Hurt with a word changed here or there.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nineinchnails/hurt.html

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

ive never heard NIN's before

ive heard one of my friends talk about someone in the band, coincidence i guess

jeff's picture

Uhh...

That is some major coincidence. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

well jeff

i honestly have never heard that song before

jeff's picture

hehehe...

Well, good thing I don't critique poetry often, since my first attempt I just call you a plagiarist. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

wait then

you said you "never critique fiction/poetry" now your saying "i don't critique poetry often" its falling apart, you can't be the real Jeff, Jeff never lets stuff like this slip, ive got my eye on you

jeff's picture

Well...

In 17 years, I'm sure I've critiqued like two or three. I remember one led to a massive fight, since I refused to accept some girl's premise that she wanted us to critique her song lyrics, and tell her if it would be a good song, and I said, well, we can critique it as poetry, but without music, you can't really critique lyrics as being good or bad in the context of a song we aren't hearing.

Even then, I don't think I critiqued her "lyrics," just the premise. And I didn't critique yours, aside from saying you stole them. So, I think I'm holding at 100%? I could be forgetting some random moment across 17 years, though. It is very safe to say I don't critique anything now, fiction or poetry.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

-_-

again Jeff, i didn't

so this means you can't critique my story im writing?, ive got part 1 done and im writing part 2

jeff's picture

Nah...

I don't critique writing.

If part one is only done, and you're just writing part two, it isn't ready for critiquing. A whole work needs to be finished, IMHO, before critiquing occurs. And a lot of rewriting of the entire work needs to happen before critiquing occurs. I think most people are too soon to want feedback, and that feedback shapes the work, and I would rather something represent a complete artistic vision, before feedback is introduced.

If you're writing short stories or essays, something that has closure, then you can get feedback quicker. But a long work needs to be lived with for much longer.

I think I wrote four drafts of my entire 500+ page novel before I solicited feedback. At the very beginning, I mistakenly kept saying here's a new chapter, and sending it to people, but I quickly realized that wasn't helping the process, and I didn't want other people's thoughts entering the work before it was finished. So, I stopped, and never did it again.

I don't have time to critique anything that isn't being written in that way. So, write a novel, in full, do several edits on it from front to back in full, and get it to the point where you can't think of a part that you could possibly improve further. Then, perhaps.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

i actually meant

when im done

i just finished part 2, just getting ready for the show, muahahahaha

jeff's picture

Possibly...

If it is "done" and "ready for critiquing" as described above.

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

well im making process

going to be 4 or more parts

3 & 4 are really going to be the good parts

jeff's picture

I'm fine...

being a cheerleader for progress, but won't get involved until the end. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

thanks jeff

now i cant get the image of you as a cheerleader