Perplexed

Bosemaster42's picture

I took a small step coming out to a friend of mine over the weekend. Although the reaction I got wasn't bad, it left me scratching my head.
I told my friend Emily I was essentially gay and she couldn't seem to grasp the idea. In fact, her initial reaction was "nooo. Are you sure?"
I've known this girl for several years going back to high school. Of course, In high school I was still trying to be perceived as straight out of fear. I have a damn good idea of what would have transpired if I had come out then. Anyway, Emily did finally digest what I had told her and she did offer her support if I wanted to talk about it. Back then, and even now, I'm one of those straight-acting/appearing guys you'd never know was gay. I suppose it would be more to my benefit to be effeminate, but that isn't me. Please don't misunderstand either, I have no problem with effeminate men, but my attraction is for someone similar to myself. I know there are lots of people in the same situation, but they are so hard to find.

Comments

radiosilence95's picture

Well, congrats on coming out

Well, congrats on coming out to your friend!

In all fairness, there are a lot of stereotypically gay men around, and this stereotype has been portrayed so much in our society in all forms of media that I could definitely understand why she would be reluctant to believe you if you don't fall under that stereotype. My friends were pretty surprised too because I'm not exactly your typical lesbian in terms of appearance or anything. And honestly, I don't think I could date a girl who is so ridiculously stereotypical.

So don't feel any pressure to conform to any ideas of what a gay guy should be like. It's unnecessary, really.

jeff's picture

Well...

Everyone reacts differently. You have to realize that you get to debate, think through, consider your words and plan when you come out to somebody. They have to react in two seconds.

On the effeminate thing, there are two issues there....

If you just don't find effeminate men sexually interesting or whatever, that's perfectly fine.

But many people reject effeminate guys because of their own internalized homophobia. So, they don't want to be with effeminate guys since it could make people see them as "lesser" or more effeminate by proxy, whereas some other butch or "straight acting" guys will not raise those internal issues or external perceptions.

So, if it's the first, and having effeminate guys as friends and such doesn't weird you out, you just skew more butch sexually, no worries. The second is something to be aware of and work on, though, since it does mean you have work to do being comfortable with yourself.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Super Duck's picture

Congratulations on coming

Congratulations on coming out!

I have a similar problem. People have a hard time believing I'm a lesbian. Even my own mother took two years to realize I'm serious. I'm a bit of a girly girl, even more so than many of my straight friends. Makeup stores and cute things excite me, I own more dresses than jeans, my favorite colors are purple and pink, that kinda thing.

And like you said, I don't hate any stereotypical people. Not at all. In fact, one of my best friends in the world is a fairly obvious gay guy! I don't care if other people are more stereotypical than me, it's like, whatever floats your boat. But, like you, I cannot date someone stereotypically gay. I just cannot. I am just not attracted to that type of girl. I need someone more like myself, or preferably even more feminine. I mean, when I imagine my dream life ten years from now, I am totally married to, like, a supermodel or Playboy Bunny or something. Haha. :p So yeah, I totally get it.

jeff's picture

My mother...

refused to believe I was gay. Thankfully, we had a video camera.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

elph's picture

It was your diabolical intention...

...to leave us hanging. Right?

jeff's picture

But...

of course.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Tycoondashkid's picture

i don't

Think you ever told us your coming out story

jeff's picture

Ha!

I published my coming out story in a magazine:

http://www.jeffwalsh.com/2003/02/22/logging-on-coming-out/

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Bosemaster42's picture

Yeah,

Yeah, I'm not as comfortable with myself as I would like to be, but I am working on it. I don't feel any animosity toward effeminate men at all. I can say your point is well taken about homophobia. I was once guilty of feeling that way when I was younger, by association I suppose.
Yeah I guess I am kind of butch,after all one of my hobbies is stone masonry, how butch is that?

Bosemaster42's picture

You Didn't!?

You didn't do that to your mother. Ha! I never would have thought of that!

Bosemaster42's picture

It was a small step.

Honestly, it was a small step coming out to my friend. I've always felt comfortable talking with her. We were hanging this weekend, I saw 'The Avengers' movie with her(Great movie BTW) and afterward we wound up back at my house. It was really nice outside, so I lit a fire and we just hung out, smoking and talking. I told her after she asked me why I wasn't dating anyone. She was a little shocked, I imagine, but I trust her.
Then, I filled her in on what makes me tick, sexually. I'm still closeted with my family. That would be a huge step for me!