I'm realizing just how much resentment I have pent up towards my mother and it's getting worse. I resent her because she didn't respond to my coming out Youtube-style; there were no hugs and no motherly pride. Is that unfair of me to expect immediate acceptance? No, I don't think so. I really don't. I'll never understand why this topic is still so hush-hush, why she keeps circling around it. It's annoying and I hate it. She hasn't acknowledged it at all, she keeps pretending that I'm a straight teenaged girl like she had planned for me. Just recently she was talking to me about teen pregnancy and the possibility of me getting pregnant, which OBVIOUSLY isn't a problem.
God damn it, I just want to talk about it. I thought that bringing it out into the open that one night would open doors for us, but it hasn't. I just want her to fucking acknowledge that I'm gay. Even acknowledging it with disgust would be better than her dancing around it all the fucking time.
I also resent her for dragging me to church when I've clearly expressed to her that I'm not religious. I stopped taking communion and I show as much disinterest as possible. This woman can't take a fucking hint. I don't know what her little bullshit plan is. Maybe she thinks dragging me to church will open my eyes and make me see that I'm not gay or something. She's not homophobic, she's pretty tolerant, but still, I think she's hoping and praying that this is a phase and a little push from her God will help me.
All this resentment has put a huge rift in our relationship lately. I know I've written about this before, but it's reached a climax lately, especially now since school's over and we have to be around each other more. I find myself building up walls between us and copping an attitude towards her, disrespecting her, disobeying her. Because I feel like she deserves it, which is kinda twisted. She'll ask me to do chores and I just won't do them because she annoys me. The woman just annoys me. I'm annoyed by her religion and I'm annoyed by her refusal to acknowledge who I am.
It's put me in a pretty awful mood. And watching these Youtube videos in which the moms hug their kids and tell them how proud they are and how much support they're going to give doesn't help anything. I watch them and I wonder, "Why can't that by my mom?" I enjoy her company less and less and it scares me because we used to be really close. I feel like I'm pissed off at her all the time. There are things that need to be said and we need to talk about this because it's only going to get worse. I just want her to take this seriously, to support me, to ask me embarrassing and awkward questions.
And on top of that bullshit, I miss Brittany SO MUCH. This is not healthy. Never in my life have I ever been so attached to a person like this. I can't stop thinking about her. She said she'd be pretty busy until after graduation, which is June first. I haven't gotten a single text from her. Tomorrow night cannot come quickly enough. I wanna hear her laugh again. Fuck.
I wish I was still in school. I'm already getting pretty lonely. Problems with my mom. Missing Brittany like crazy. Being bored all day. Summer sucks dick already. I don't even have a steady job to occupy my time. I need to get motivated and get the fuck out of my house before I go insane. I always end up hating summer because it's SO BORING. I'm hoping it will pick up in excitement and I hope I don't feel like shit the whole time.