Sometimes

Uncertain's picture

"I just don't think there's supposed to be a set amount of time you need to get over someone"

I love him so much. I can't even describe how I felt when I saw him. I hugged him so hard, unreciprocated, he gave me a gentle squeeze and pat as if he knew. One part of me wanted to tell him all - from-now-on-I-will-tell-you-all-I-will-treat-you-right, another restrains me from doing such a pointless and self destructive endeavour. For the first time in a long time I am feeling an overwhelming sense of hopelessness again. He reminded me of every fucking thing I hated about him, exactly why I loved him. I can't feel anything. Wondering what he thinks about me. I was so distraught so I left that hopeless place. Some really great (gay) friends told me to come out so I did, they really cheered me up; we went clubbing and we danced and danced and danced, ran down queen street screaming and dived in stranger's pools, and the five of us cuddled in the same bed until the morning and I forgot about him for a while. I woke up and felt apathy.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

Closure is always desired, but often unattainable.

Sometimes things do change, and your relationship with someone is different than what it was. Other times, you just hit pause and walk away. After a while, it might feel like closure, until you hit pause again.

But relationships don't really need to be healed or cauterized. Take what he taught you about you, and what you learned that you need in a relationship, both from what he gave you and what he didn't, and you move on.

You packed a lot of life into that paragraph caused by death, though.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

elph's picture

I fervently want to say...

something --- anything --- encouraging, but my mind is currently at an impasse.

All I can come up with is: Please persevere! Somehow, I have faith that you will do what is right --- for you, as well as him!

Just keep in mind that this is a very awkward and emotional time for him... his having just lost his father so unexpectedly...

Uncertain's picture

I am actually so depressed

I am actually so depressed right now.

elph's picture

Welll...

It's now very late at night... the best I can come up with is to just go out for a long, leisurely night walk (no alcohol for a while).

Depression is not good... but I think a long walk before meeting Morpheus would be helpful!