(Two Main Subjects)

centerfielder08's picture

I will be writing two journal entries today. This is my first and it will not be on the subjects of gender/sexuality as I had been posting. My second post today, however, WILL follow the subjects of gender/sexuality as I have previously mentioned I would do.

TRIGGER WARNING: Depression, Insomnia / Hypersomnia, Eating Disorders, EDNOS (eating disorder not yet specified), Anorexia, Issues of Self-Perception, Gaining/Losing Weight

So I want to talk about some of what I've been going through. Now I know that for some, most, or maybe even all of you, this isn't what you want to hear (well, read, actually), but I need to say it and this is the space I need to say it. I have trouble journaling otherwise. I wish I did more written journaling but I think faster than I write and I can type faster than I write so at least my typing is a little closer to speed to my brain. Also, my hands get exhausted because I'm afraid to leave stuff out. Plus, then, I feel as though I need to excessively document the time of which I'm writing everything. (And more).

So, can I assume that you know about my depression by now, or should I write all about it again?

Basically, I'm depressed and have been for a really long time (consistently for 4 years, now).

Anyway....
I've been having funky sleeping cycles going on. This isn't anything new. But I really messed it up these past few weeks and am paying the price.
I've been napping every day and not going to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. The naps are usually because I'm just terribly tired (probably from going to bed late/waking up early). But sometimes, I use it as an escape. Classic.

From Wednesday into Thursday of this week, I pulled an all-nighter. So I had been awake consecutively from 6:30am on Wednesday until 6:30pm Thursday. And of course, Thursday was a major crash--especially the last few hours. And then I went to take a nap at 6:30 and slept through dinner and didn't wake up until 6:30am Friday...I don't know that I've ever slept for 12 hours before.

I hate being a deep sleeper. Hoping I can kick myself out of that bad habit.

Anyway, sometimes, well no--truthfully its most days, I stay up as late as I can. And no matter what, pretty much 5/7 days of the week I wake up at 6:30. So I'm not getting much sleep. And sometimes it's a good way to detach myself from everything the next day. Because then I'm in a cloud. And at least for the time being, it quiets everything down (only not really, but it seems as though it does initially). But then my vulnerabilities are up so high that things go topsy-turvey anyway.

But also, sleep is wonderful. I kind of hate it. But at the same time, I feel like there's nothing I have that's just mine. I need a way to get away from people and stop thinking. I need time alone. Sleep is amazing, in that respect.

Friday, today, I have been really tired and trying to fight the urge to take a nap. My vulnerabilities were way up today. Probably from my funky sleeping schedule. And it affects me, a lot.

Eating is not very clear-cut for me. I want to see under a specific number on the scale when I weigh myself. I don't think I'm fat. I know I'm not fat. And I think I just want to get to that one number. But I don't know if I want to be skinnier or not. I don't know if I'm skinny right now. People say I am. I don't know.

I eat. But recently, I don't know. It's different. And it's so hard for me to admit this to anyone. I've started to mention it in therapy. However, I don't know how to feel about it and I want to just stop thinking about it.

I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, although, my therapist recently has been talking about it. And seemed kind of surprised when I said I've never been diagnosed with one. Today, I was quietly having a breakdown so I called her. We got to talking on the topic of food. And I said that I need to regulate my eating. She asked if I'm restricting.

I guess you could say that I used to do that, though I don't know if you can consider it that if it wasn't completely consciously (at least, I don't think it was).

So no, I haven't really been restricting. But I do eat less. But then when I have desserts, I eat too much and then feel sick and hate myself for it.

And there have been times that I've done certian things to delay eating. But have I been restricting? I don't think so...

My weight is still above the number that I'd like to see on the scale.

I'm trying so hard not to weigh myself so much because it just is worse for me.

It also doesn't help when I have a mother telling me I need to lay off desserts so that I can take some of the weight off....have a flat stomach or whatever.

(ps, hope the italics work. this is only the second time i'm doing it on here. the first time got sooooo messed up and Jeff had to come by and fix it. but now i'm learning HTML at my job, so we'll see).

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm....

First, you've clearly been hanging out with the trans crowd if you're listing eating disorders not yet specified as its own separate trigger. ;-)

Second, obviously we don't know the number you want to hit, but without knowing your height, body type, etc., etc., we couldn't say whether that is realistic or not for you. There should be some places online where you could see that a healthy weight for someone your age and height would be between XX and XX, and see how close this idealized weight is. If your weight is under the low end of that specific range, then the question is are you willing to abandon that number.

Third, why does that number exist? Clearly, if you're healthy and not fat now, a lot of people would try and find a way to accepting themselves. Don't get me wrong, I personally have body image issues and I understand that you might want to be skinnier. But whereas I'm without question fat and need to lose a lot of weight, you may be within and the low end of the healthy zone for your body. So, I think you need to make sure your target is healthy, before you continue to accept and strive for hitting that target.

Also, if you're in your teens, a little baby fat or somesuch isn't uncommon, and if you're healthy and active, tends to disappear after you're done maturing physically. So, lots to consider there.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

centerfielder08's picture

I just checked a BMI thing

I just checked a BMI thing online. Apparently right now I'm 18.7 % and my target weight would get me down to 18.1% (which would then put me in the underweight category)....so....I don't know....

Paha, and yeah, it's funny, but actually a non-trans* person was the one to tell me about EDNOS

The number exists because for some reason in my mind, I have that set as a target , I guess. Because then I would know I'm skinny? I dont even really know, to be honest.

And nope...not a teen anymore. :)

jeff's picture

Hmm...

If you're only a few tenths of a percentage points off, and that difference would change you to underweight, it sounds like you need to move that target. I mean, if you're trying to avoid eating disorders, and you know that your goal is classified as underweight... it doesn't seem like you have a lot of wiggle room there.

I'd say get on the scale, write down your weight, and call that your perfect weight, and just stay there.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

thoughtgoddess's picture

Speaking as someone who has

Speaking as someone who has struggled (or not, as the case may be) with maintaining any sort of logical sleep patern for my entire life, I can say that vitamin D can help with evening out sleeping paterns a bit. There's also changing your expectations of when you should be sleeping -- as long as it's not interfering with your life it can work just as well to sleep sometime other than straight through the night, or sleep in a couple shorter periods twice every twenty-four hours or what have you. Obviously I'm only speaking from my own experiences, and I've no idea what will be right for you. Just offering suggestions if you want to try them.