Okay, a warning as I may be a bit rusty with how i am phrasing this journal, but here goes. So I went to go see "Dark Shadows" this evening with my friends and i decided to get the bus home. It was only 8.30 and still light and as i waited at the bus shelter by myself on a fairly busy roads with cars, two men appeared a few yards distance from me. Straight away just from there body language and just stuff really, i knew they were a-bit dodgy. So i could tell they were a bit drunk as they seemed to be in a heated personal discussion, so i just turned the other way, amped up the volume on my Ipod and tried wishing for the bus to come straight away. So i could not tell what the discussion was about, but i knew it was definitely something negative. I had something bad lodged in my head that something was going to happen, I don't know why, i just had this strong feeling by there presence. Then 5 minutes later it did.
The guy hit the other guy straight to the floor, on his front right near me, on his face, with only the glass of the bus shelter, in-front of me. And i just started at him on the ground. Started at the guy with his frozen expression. And i didn't feel anything for a few seconds. I was not even that shocked, because like i said before i had this sixth sense that something was going to bad. And then my feelings came back and i saw the blood on the side of his face that hit the concrete. The other guy at this point was going "where is my 25 quid, where is it?" in an intimidating tone.It completely ignored me. I then got scared as i didn't know what the other guy had on him, as me being typical old paranoid, i thought the worse such as gun or knife, even though my town is so so so not like that type of town. I know my town has a small fighting reputation at night with people being drunk, but to be presented it to me just like that felt so odd. Anyway so i just got up without thinking and walked a couple of yards to some 2 other fairly young elderly adults who were both strangers. Then we looked from a small distance the guy insulting the guy on the floor and kicking him, not all the time no, but every now and agin. Suddenly thank god because the bus shelter is near a busy city trafficked road people started to blear out there horns and some middle aged man got out and shouted "someone help this man!" and then people walking past the bus shelter started to stop and trying to help the guy up and thankfully they separated the other man. Then the bus came and i got one, whilst looking out the window as more strangers came to the guy on the floors help and to try and sort out the other guy.
Then I felt so cold. I felt so middle class. I felt so naive. I know i could not have done loads, as Im the type of person who if my friends got in bother, i would stay silent and slip away. But i hate myself for that. I wish i could have just been brave and courageous, but i have been in hardly any situations that have put me in this situation so I am not used to it. But as i was thinking about it on the way home, all i could think is that if i want to move to London when I go to Uni in 1 and half's year's time, what the hell am i going to do. My town is famous for being leafy, conservative and mostly middle class and white, with only 3 people in my year being black, well coming from the Philippines. I am going to have deal with a lot more fights in the capital and i need to shape some sort of backbone, so that I can stand up for myself and more importantly the people around me, if things get in a bit of bother. I just felt so confused and regretful for not saying "Hey what hell you are doing" or something and helping that poor guy.
It also got me thinking about how movies in cinema has somewhat made me immune to violence presented on screen. If you just think about, there is soooooo much violence on TV and films, that i only just realised it, when the guy fell on the ground and I just looked at him blankly. The strange coincidence is that when watching "Dark Shadows" beforehand, that had a considerable amount of violence, so my reality was just like an extension of the film. Its like when i watched the film and I saw the fight scenes i felt normal and still, somewhat again how i felt with the man on the floor. Even stranger enough was that my friend next to me said, while watching a martial arts trailer before the film, is that she does not see why people watch films like this as it is not something good to promote at all. This is in contrast to seeing sex in films, as it is a natural and healthy thing for humans to do, were as violence is not. She just said she thinks its pointless to make films just about violence and i kinda understood what she meant, but it did not make much sense until i saw the real action take place.
Its just still so strange, as this situation has never happened to me before, so i feel the need to write to try and make sense out of it and why i did not stand up for the helpless guy. It seemed that ignorance really did have a hold on me and i feel quite ashamed.