Anatomically Correct.

ElsaGabor's picture

Whores have more fun, and gentleman prefer them, right? Of course, nobody wants to bang virtuous and clean. Which is why I totally hate my life right now. I miss being the fucking slut.

The smell, the taste, hands around my hips pulling me towards him, I miss it all. Touches on my thighs, tongue in my mouth. It felt right. It wasn't right, but it felt like it. If anything I just miss being an object. There's such a wonderful sense of detachment that you can really just get away from yourself. I didn't fucking care at all. I would get away from me and become the person I really wanted to be; Uninhibited, Promiscuous, Self Destructive, and Free.

Now I'm bound by my insecurities. My weight, my skin, my everything.

But fuck it, tomorrow's Vans Couch Tour and I'm gonna' get fucked. C:

Goodnight Oasis.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

Not that I approve of a lot of your rationale, as there is sort of a fatalist 'use me' self-destructive angle that seems like it could easily lead to becoming HIV+ in the process, but what is holding you back from being sexually active?

Is it that you're no longer doing the drugs that would make you not care about your weight, skin, etc.?

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

ElsaGabor's picture

Since I've stopped using

Since I've stopped using drugs it has been so much harder to look past my features that I'm not particularly fond of, as my judgement is no longer clouded. So rather than just shrugging it off and not caring, it really wares on me that I don't appear the way I would like to. Also, I'm no longer self-destructive, I was really writing about my longing for when I was. I felt much more alive, but I agree that if I would have continued that lifestyle contracting HIV would have been very likely.

jeff's picture

Well....

Yeah, that's why drugs and alcohol are popular... there's a reason we have gay bars moreso than gay coffee shops. ;-)

I've never been happy with my appearance, body image issues, etc., but sometimes you meet someone who makes you not care about those things, or not care about them enough to push through the uncomfortableness and get your freak on. Often, you'll find that your issues are truly your issues, and that other people aren't even looking past them, they are not concerned about them.

I used to hook up drunk, but then I stopped drinking for a while (I was never a huge drunk or anything, just stopped caring about it), and I realized I hooked up less. So, I just learned to hook up sober. It got pretty easy. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Uncertain's picture

That sounds like my first

That sounds like my first year of college. And the drugs and alcohol thing, completely agree that they really cloud you see yourself, it becomes an and self-perception thing more than just about its physiological effects. I really don't have much advicem, I just wanted to say I can totally relate.