'bad wings'

the_loser's picture

And I read the entries I have created since the beginning of this and I can see a progression into the appearance of contentedness and I know there is something still waiting to settle in the bottom.

There is something still waiting to settle in the bottom but it will come in time. And I am learning to accept these flaws that some nights I do not feel alright. Some nights I do not feel alright. But every day is a victory and I've made it this far from agony to exhilaration. From not rolling out of my bed for 36 hours to the nights I touch my face to my favorite pillow and think nothing bad. Yes, it is 'think nothing bad', not 'think happy thoughts'. I am still okay. When I can forget and not care of what has happened, at least for those moments.

And everyday I am travelling farther and farther from the anchors that held me under this sea. I am no sailor but I know how to save my life. I am no swimmer, but I am a fast learner and I can do anything. I am not bitter for being thrown in the sea. Everyone has to learn at some time.
My dreams taught me that after driving into the sea, all you have to do is swim up. I'm swimming up. I'm swimming into the sky. So each night I close my eyes I am thinking of the clouds instead of the ropes that tied my wings.

I had a bad week. I have always talked of my emotional and mental connection with people or things or feelings. I have strong feelings. I think I know why I've been getting such bad vibes. It was literally a bad week for no reason. An outside source.

Resurfacing feelings. I won't deny it. I am tired of pushing away. I can deal with it now. I am accepting it. I am trying to work through it and be okay. Everything else in my life is going well. I would've had to deal with this sooner or later.

I just had the best two days I've had in a long time. A close reunion with all of my best friends who've been gone away at college. We stayed up all night and played video games. We drank a little, not a lot, enough to be silly. We played on my new tv I bought for my room. We hung out with more people today. We saw a movie, got frozen yogurt, and I can see all of my friends I've matured with since junior high. And I love them. And we are all good, we are all here, we are all healthy. And I felt good. It was nice to see them. I have been living in my head a little too much lately.

I had an energy drink. That caffeine high still shakes me. God it felt amazing. It's been a little while. And for the past 36 hours I've forgotten the ills that have been ailing me for the past week. And I looked at this week from an objective perspective and realized that it is all okay. And I have been okay but something has been creeping into my bones since she got back. And it's been a couple of months since I've had to sit down with myself and say, "it will be okay. You can get through this" because I did that 4 months ago. 5 months ago? 6 months ago. I am bad at accepting weakness, and I wanted to be rid of it. Because I was rid of it.

It's okay. This isn't a setback, it's another step I would've had to take. The first step is acceptance for this new thing I'm facing. I am looking at myself and saying, "accept it", and I can feel my heart shrinking and expanding at the thought. And I can feel the strings loosening as my mind is saying, "let go", and my eyes tell a different story because they're trying to say, "no". I am trying.

The rest will come in time. For now, I'll run it out.