Barnacle Goose

swimmerguy's picture
(Uhhhk, Jeff, Youtube don't do old embed code anymore, so yeah)

So, I figured, since my journals have recently been either nonexistent or political, I'd grace upon you all a journal about my personal homosexuality, as that's putatively the point of this site, and I rarely bother with it anymore.

That's mostly because to me, gayness and straightness has become such a non-issue, I'm always surprised whenever I hear things about like Gay marriage is now legal in wherever! and I'd kinda forgotten that that was still an issue.

Anyway, I know I've posted many whiny journals in the past complaining about how I just don't have a fucking boyfriend (The "fucking" there had a bit of a double meaning, if you didn't catch that).
But I don't really care as much anymore.
As for like sex, yeah, I guess that'd be pretty fucking cool, but at the same time, I don't care as much about that either, cause I got Jill (I thought it was hilarious, one of my friends told me that if you have your hand outstretched, your pointer finger and thumb make a J, then your middle finger is an I, and the other two are L's, I thought it was funny.
Of course, that also assumes that you jack off with your left hand, and that you like girls... So 2 problems right there, but it's too good to pass that up
Like, if you don't know me, you should. I fucking love myself, and I love my jacking off hand, so really, what do I need a boyfriend for?

Although sex is one thing, because even jacking off isn't a true substitute for sex. So that would be a positive to having a boyfriend.

But what would be much more important to me would be someone that I actually like, and there aren't many people like that.
Sure, an insipid terrible and fucking dumb boyfriend that I could fuck would be totally fine, I wouldn't pass that up, as long as I could stand him.

But what would be more important would just be someone I could connect to. Like, I feel like if they just shared a bit of my world view, I could love someone like that.
I try not to fucking freak out over things that don't really matter. Life really is too short, and I don't know if there's an afterlife. I don't believe in God, and while there have been some philosophies that have convinced me there very well might be afterlives, I think the safe assumption to make is that there is no afterlife, and that this is all there is.
Which is why I'm not really content with my life as it is. That's not to say I'm not happy, I'm just fucking bored. Life with too many routines for too long is an incredibly efficient way to use up your life as quickly and with as little fuss as possible.
And I'd kinda want to avoid that.

Me and my dad just a few weeks ago were backpacking, and on our way back, there were some guys that we passed and got passed by a few times, and we saw them at the trailhead. They looked perhaps my age, 16, perhaps a little older, 18 or 19 at the oldest, probably.
And it was just these 2 guys, and I totally thought they were gay. These 2 gay guys around my age, going for a backpack overnight on the beach.
And I was like yeah, that's what I want. If there's someone that has my same interests, in science and cosmology, if not in politics, and someone that's genuinely funny at times, and that enjoys backpacking and nature like I do, and that I could also have sex with, that would be the fucking bomb, I'd have nothing else to ask for.

Cause all the known or suspected gay guys I know or have known, tend to be the kind of people I might be able to stand being around and fucking, but not people I would really like.

So while having a fuck buddy would be pretty nice, cause, you know, I get turned on at the most annoying times, it would be nice to have someone other than myself I could focus that on, I could deal with that, but finding an actual boyfriend that I could actually love and have a real relationship with, rather than just a fuck partnership, I have a feeling that's a lot more rare, and while I feel there might be some guy like that, I could very easily see myself having to deal without that my entire life, and I can do that, if it'll make me a little less happy.

(You know, what I'm kinda talking about is actually more like a really good best friend that I could fuck. I have a couple friends that are pretty close to what I'm talking about but aren't gay, so maybe I could combine them with some insipid empty vase of a gay guy that I could have sex with, and that'd be perfect... A boy can wish...)
Night guys.


anarchist's picture

But you forgot one thing:

love. What's a relationship without love? And don't start getting logical and replying with "Well, if we have a lot in common, we'll fall in love, hurr durr," because love doesn't do logic. There is no logical reason why I fell in love with Brad. It just happened. And I don't think I could force myself to love someone just because we have a lot in common. Not easily, at least. Anyway, my idea of a perfect boyfriend is just someone I love who also loves me. It should be that way for everyone.
>Two guys with backpacks.
>They MUST be gay!

elph's picture

Did I tell you this?

Just wondering... :)

anarchist's picture


Personal experience did. I would never want to have a boyfriend who I don't love. What would be the point? It wouldn't even be a relationship.

elph's picture

Yeah... Those two boys!

What an idyllic image your mind created. (I'm confident that you didn't share it with your dad?) :)

Very good chance that your assessment of the situation was spot on...

But images of fucking (in the latter chapters) just a bit premature... huh?

How about this scenario:

(1) Interesting conversation... maybe even cosmology
(2) Holding hands
(3) Shared "knowing" smiles, laughing
(4) Playful (nude?) swimming in the river/lake/bay
(5) Lying side by side in a comfortable embrace... on beach... or double sleeping bag.
(6) A few tender kisses
(7) A free hand is mutually desired and agonizingly awaited...
(8) Done... slowly and with true shared affection
(9) More pecks & slumber; awaken to a mutually prepared rustic breakfast and thoughts of the coming day's adventures together... variations on a theme...


The choreography is the goal!

Thanks for sharing... but don't abandon philosophizing!

jeff's picture


You want him to live in an E.M. Forster novel?

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

elph's picture

Subtle criticism? Dunno...

I'm not saying I want him to live by my or by anyone else's vision of a rewarding gay experience (novel or real)!

Should I assume that my scenario does not coincide with the aspirations of any self-respecting gay teen of today?

Mine is just one of many possible suggestions. Swimmerguy is free to take what he wishes and retain full personal sovereignty!

Is the correct way: fuck first?

jeff's picture


Just reminded me of many scenes in Maurice. ;-)

Not being a gay teen of today, it does seem a bit chaste to me, though.

I don't think self respect and sexual freedom are at odds, though. You can have both. If you have sex with someone, and you're both on board with where things are at and what is happening, then there's no downside. If someone has a crush on you, and you're not into them, but you sleep with them anyway because you're bored, then that would be bad, since the other person has differing expectations. But if you both know what is happening, and consent to it, game on.

I'm not sure why we want our chefs, mechanics, teachers, and masseurs to have experience, but not our sex partners.

Everyone draws the lines differently, based on experience, as far as what they are willing to do sexually with tricks, friend with benefits or relationships. Usually those lines are found in hindsight, like "That seemed too intimate for how well I only know this person..." and then recalibrate for the future.

Fucking isn't the be all, end all. In fact, that is what is most often reserved for relationships. Cuddling and oral goes a long way.

The most important thing is intimacy, though. Once you have that, you're sort of locked in and good to go. Once a bond exists, and you're not just masturbating using a stranger, no worries...

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

elph's picture

"a bit chaste"

It seems chaste because the suggested scenario (a theme with infinite variations) is much too week-kneed and lacking in sufficient directness (aggressiveness?) to possibly satisfy the libidinal urges of today's gay teens?

Is my inference correct? If so... I'm just too tame (=clueless).

You were aware that I was describing a possible, admittedly "idyllic" (something wrong with that?), early experience that just might develop into lasting shared affections...


One more nit's been introduced: "I'm not sure why we want our chefs, mechanics, teachers, and masseurs to have experience, but not our sex partners."

This makes sense only if one's "sex partners" are paid for their services!

Otherwise, I'd like my partner to be just as naïve and as fearful as I am that I may not meet expectations...

jeff's picture


It was rather libido-free. ;-)

I think setting up the whole idyllic/soulmate sort of thing has a downside, since the majority of people don't experience that. So, setting up a goal state that most people won't experience is sort of impractical, and robs the potential beauty that can be found in the messy reality. I mean, there are long-term couples who met at sex clubs, who change that to a "dinner party" when speaking to their families.

While the other examples are typically paid professionals, I'm fine with the correlation even if the sex partners aren't being paid. There is a societal fetishization of inexperience, which is why Islamic terrorists get 72 virgins in the afterlife. But as Dennis Miller said, "The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro."

I don't think naive and fearful is bad in a sex partner. You play with who you're with. If they are new to things, you help them find out what they like, what gets them off, let them steer things within their comfort level, etc. But that doesn't detract from someone who tells you their nipples are wired to their cock, and gets very specific about what they want you to do.

Ultimately, you're in bed with that person for a reason, and it is about forming an intimate bond with that person. So, whatever the situation is: adapt, proceed, and have fun.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

anarchist's picture

>elph >"fucking" WAT?


elph's picture

Yeah... I know...

...I've disappointed you (and probably a lot others, as well).

But... it is quite clear that there are those who advise "get it whenever the opportunity presents itself"... decide later whether the experience warrants asking his name and whether he'd like to be your friend! :( :( :(

jeff's picture


Who advises that?

That might be interpretation more than what is said.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

jeff's picture


Other videos seem to have the old embed, so not sure why that one wouldn't..

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

anarchist's picture

Some don't,

because YouTube hates us. Some people just want to watch the world burn.

jeff's picture

Your expectations...

aren't all that outlandish or difficult to imagine coming true.

There are usually social groups for a lot of things, hiking groups being pretty standard. So, you can find people randomly that you like and hope they're into hiking and nature... OR...

You can go join a gay hiking group, and just try and find someone you like?!/seagayhikers

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Bosemaster42's picture

Certainly not,

Certainly not, the idea of scoring on any nature trip has it's appeal!
At least it sounded pretty good, Elph. It's true,you don't need to be head over heels in love to have a good relationship with another guy. It depends on the individuals expectations to some extent. Oral does indeed go a long way, however, cuddling,I'm still trying to get used to that! I by no means discourage a partner from wanting to, but the first guy who did that with me, I don't know, it made me feel like I was his security blanket, which i suppose is ok, if you need that.