(Uhhhk, Jeff, Youtube don't do old embed code anymore, so yeah)
So, I figured, since my journals have recently been either nonexistent or political, I'd grace upon you all a journal about my personal homosexuality, as that's putatively the point of this site, and I rarely bother with it anymore.
That's mostly because to me, gayness and straightness has become such a non-issue, I'm always surprised whenever I hear things about like Gay marriage is now legal in wherever! and I'd kinda forgotten that that was still an issue.
Anyway, I know I've posted many whiny journals in the past complaining about how I just don't have a fucking boyfriend (The "fucking" there had a bit of a double meaning, if you didn't catch that).
But I don't really care as much anymore.
As for like sex, yeah, I guess that'd be pretty fucking cool, but at the same time, I don't care as much about that either, cause I got Jill (I thought it was hilarious, one of my friends told me that if you have your hand outstretched, your pointer finger and thumb make a J, then your middle finger is an I, and the other two are L's, I thought it was funny.
Of course, that also assumes that you jack off with your left hand, and that you like girls... So 2 problems right there, but it's too good to pass that up).
Like, if you don't know me, you should. I fucking love myself, and I love my jacking off hand, so really, what do I need a boyfriend for?
Although sex is one thing, because even jacking off isn't a true substitute for sex. So that would be a positive to having a boyfriend.
But what would be much more important to me would be someone that I actually like, and there aren't many people like that.
Sure, an insipid terrible and fucking dumb boyfriend that I could fuck would be totally fine, I wouldn't pass that up, as long as I could stand him.
But what would be more important would just be someone I could connect to. Like, I feel like if they just shared a bit of my world view, I could love someone like that.
I try not to fucking freak out over things that don't really matter. Life really is too short, and I don't know if there's an afterlife. I don't believe in God, and while there have been some philosophies that have convinced me there very well might be afterlives, I think the safe assumption to make is that there is no afterlife, and that this is all there is.
Which is why I'm not really content with my life as it is. That's not to say I'm not happy, I'm just fucking bored. Life with too many routines for too long is an incredibly efficient way to use up your life as quickly and with as little fuss as possible.
And I'd kinda want to avoid that.
Me and my dad just a few weeks ago were backpacking, and on our way back, there were some guys that we passed and got passed by a few times, and we saw them at the trailhead. They looked perhaps my age, 16, perhaps a little older, 18 or 19 at the oldest, probably.
And it was just these 2 guys, and I totally thought they were gay. These 2 gay guys around my age, going for a backpack overnight on the beach.
And I was like yeah, that's what I want. If there's someone that has my same interests, in science and cosmology, if not in politics, and someone that's genuinely funny at times, and that enjoys backpacking and nature like I do, and that I could also have sex with, that would be the fucking bomb, I'd have nothing else to ask for.
Cause all the known or suspected gay guys I know or have known, tend to be the kind of people I might be able to stand being around and fucking, but not people I would really like.
So while having a fuck buddy would be pretty nice, cause, you know, I get turned on at the most annoying times, it would be nice to have someone other than myself I could focus that on, I could deal with that, but finding an actual boyfriend that I could actually love and have a real relationship with, rather than just a fuck partnership, I have a feeling that's a lot more rare, and while I feel there might be some guy like that, I could very easily see myself having to deal without that my entire life, and I can do that, if it'll make me a little less happy.
(You know, what I'm kinda talking about is actually more like a really good best friend that I could fuck. I have a couple friends that are pretty close to what I'm talking about but aren't gay, so maybe I could combine them with some insipid empty vase of a gay guy that I could have sex with, and that'd be perfect... A boy can wish...)