Cheezits Look Taller on Television

Super Duck's picture

(Who else missed the Instant Title Generator?)

Recently, I attempted to take a trip to the secondhand store to pick up a Gameboy Advance SP. I fixed one of my old Gameboy games all by myself, and I'm addicted to it. I wanted to play it while lying in bed, but the lighting conditions won't permit that on my Gameboy Color and my 3DS doesn't have the backwards compatibility, so I needed the SP for its backlit screen. Unfortunately, my SP is missing. But I am addicted to this game. I must play it at all times. It even comes to work with me now because I never have anything to do there. I am not even the cashier anymore. I now do inventory stuff and am going to learn the bookkeeping because Crazy Grandma completely ruined it. Really, I just sit in the office and watch Comedy Central until I'm needed... which is almost never. (At least I don't have to deal with many customers anymore.) Anyway, so I need to play this game at all times, and, therefore, I need a new SP. Preferably I would like the shiny pink one, but I am desperate enough that any color will do.

The trip was very, very unpleasant.

I needed to put gas in my car. I went to the gas station down the street with about enough money for a half a tank of gas. I do not like that gas station, but I desperately needed this gas because I live literally 20 FUCKING MILES from the next nearest station. I took the gas pump nozzle out and went to fill up my car... except the nozzle malfunctioned somehow and ended up spraying all over me. I don't even know how that happened considering it was in the gas tank where it was supposed to be. Apparently, they were having problems. Anyway, this was a horrible experience. I was also 110% convinced some got in my eye, but it didn't hurt or burn, so I guess it didn't. Oh, and I had just gotten out of the shower not even an hour before this.

After FINALLY getting my damn gas, I went home to change and clean my eye just in case. I didn't want to go through my closet again and look for a good outfit, so I just grabbed the nearest t-shirt that didn't clash horribly with eveything else, which turned out to be Brat's motorcycle shirt she got with our dad. I had to laugh at how completely and utterly ridiculous and mismatched it looks on me. 

Brat had to come to the store with me, so we drove all the way there, which took like 30 minutes because I live in the middle of abso-fucking-lutely NOWHERE. It takes over half an hour just to get to the next shitty little town to buy groceries and stuff. So, I finally got there... and they didn't have one. 

Then, Brat had to have ice cream. Unfortunately, the parking lot was blocked by a bunch of FUCKING IDIOTIC, OBLIVIOUS ASSCLOWNS WITH A COLLECTIVE IQ OF -35 who have no business owning driver's licenses. So, no ice cream. Instead we went to the cupcake store, which was the only remotely non-infuriating part of the entire trip.

Not a good day.

So, anyway, my friend is being totally depressing and randomly texted me to tell me that summer is halfway over. Fuck, I don't wanna to back to school. I hate that place more than I can ever even begin to describe. The only good part is it'll be my last time to go back. 

I'm dreading having to collect my letters of recommendation for colleges. Most teachers at my school don't ever expect anyone to go far away, so I'll have to deal with the questions, and just ughhh... I'm most definitely going to ask my English teacher, though. She's the best. I also don't think she'll ask annoying questions because even though she did grow up here, she left for a while to go to a very good school. (Why on Earth did she move back!?) I have no idea who else I'll ask. Everyone says I should ask the APUSH teacher, but I'm not sure. I mean, sometimes she liked me, but sometimes she said some really, really awful things. But she might ask annoying questions! Ughhh! Maybe my journalism teacher will stop being mad at me, and I can ask her. She has always known for a fact that I'm totally out of this place the second I graduate.

I am absolutely dreading the day at the end of the year when they announce where all the seniors are going to college. I don't want to constantly answer all the inevitable questions about me going away... (It's just so rare here that someone leaves the area. Like 4 or 5 people in the class above me decided to leave, and that's the most I've ever heard of in a single class.) I don't want to tell them why I'm leaving and never coming back, or answer the extremely rude and nosy yet inevitable questions about finances, or anything. I just hate it when people try to pry into business that's only relevant to my parents and me, and that is, like, a way of life in this town, apparently. 

I will get these questions almost every day until I leave for college. Every day for the next solid year. Forms of these horrible questions (along with fucking "ARE YOU GOING TO BE A DOCTOR YOU SHOULD BE A DOCTOR EVEN THOUGH YOU JUST SAID YOU HAVE NO SCIENTIFIC APTITUDE BECOME A DOCTOR DO IT DO IT DO IT") have already started at work on the rare occasions when I deal with customers. It will only get worse when I actually apply places.

I am also dreading all of my classes this year except for AP English with the best teacher ever. She is also more than likely teaching composition. I will be super fucking pissed if she doesn't because it's a new thing they added this year, and I am NOT going to be happy about doing extra shit if it's going to be with someone I don't like. I also have physical science, but all of my friends are in physics. (I needed to get out of advanced science. I can't handle it. It was a huge mistake that I need to be bitchslapped for making.) Then I have government with this teacher who openly had a huge vendetta against one of my best friends, so I am hoping desperately she doesn't realize our connection. I also have journalism again since I do the yearbook, which will apparently be a dictatorship from hell this year. And then there's calculus, which I'm scared of because even though I took pre-cal, I still don't really quite understand what calculus actually is.

Yeah, it's pretty much going to be totally lame, especially since they are considering taking away all our senior privileges. Those bitches. I hate the administration of my school so much. They never address any actual problems, they just piss everyone off, sometimes even the teachers. 

And I feel like a really bad friend because last time I checked, I was 3rd in the class, and one of my friends is barely beating me for 2nd. Neither of us can touch 1st place because that is occupied by our genius best friend, but my friend in 2nd and I are barely apart. Now that there will be AP English, I have a really good chance of beating my friend and becoming salutatorian if I manage to do the impossible and actually give a fuck for the whole entire year and not just the first quarter... Especially because English is to her as math is to me, AND she'll be in physics while I'll be in physical science, and there is nothing she can do about it because I already have the required number of honors credits to get the title.

The thought of beating her for salutatorian makes me very happy, but I feel bad about it because it's mean yet at the same time I don't feel that bad because she has a guaranteed way out of here. Even if the impossible happened and she flunked everything and didn't get into any colleges, her family has an already-paid-for house in one of the most desirable locations in the country just waiting for her to move into one day. (They moved here from somewhere seriously awesome and I guess still own their old house or something.) I don't have that. I have to make my own way out of this hell. But... It's not like I can just say, "Hey, I need that title more than you do, so please can you make a D or two?" because life doesn't work that way, so I have to legit beat her. I really hope it doesn't put a strain on our friendship because last year, two of my friends were really bitter with each other over valedictorian.

In other news, my mom found a new man. It's a guy she knew when she was around my age. She has been talking to him for a little less than a month. Keep in mind that she has not seen him in person in about 25 years. She is already convinced she is madly, deeply, rabidly head over heels in true love and that she wants to marry him.

...Yeah. That is how it always happens. 

I'm glad she is happy, but really!? Not even a whole month! I hate it when she does this because then she just gets heartbroken and mopes all day every day until she finds a new guy. It has been a constant cycle ever since the summer after she and my dad split up. And she KNOWS how dumb it is because she doesn't want to tell anyone that she's ~*in loooooove*~ except me because I'm not allowed to say it's dumb. Oh, and of course it's the only thing she can ever talk about. Like, literally ever. Every 2 seconds.

If I told her I wanted to marry some girl I talked to on the internet for three weeks, I know for a fact she would bitchslap me into next week for being an idiot.

Speaking of girls, FCG just completely and utterly killed any lingering remnants of my attraction to her by loving Sarah Palin again. That's really unsexy, FCG. 

You know, now I'm kinda okay with the fact that FCG and I didn't get to be together. I don't think I could date a girl whose celebrity crush is Sarah Palin! Hahaha! But, honestly, if we ended up together, I don't think she'd eventually go to NY/LA/wherever with me, and that's the most important thing in the world to me. I know FCG, and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure if she will ever leave this area... I wouldn't be able to stomach living here, not even with FCG.

Anyway, I need to go get ready for a riveting afternoon of sitting in a stinky office doing nothing, so I'll stop talking now.


radiosilence95's picture

Calculus deals a lot with

Calculus deals a lot with the trigonometric functions you learned in pre-calculus. And you get to learn about integrals and derivatives! Yay! Those two things are really the only things you focus on. They're pretty easy once you get the hang of 'em, but then the book throws some really complex functions at you and it becomes a challenge.

Also, what the hell. What human being would ever admit having a celebrity crush on Sarah Palin? Not only is she ass-ugly, she's a moron. Did you hear that her daughter is getting her own show? Ugh. That whole family is full of attention-hungry idiots.

Super Duck's picture

Eww, sounds horrible! And

Eww, sounds horrible!

And of course FCG won't actually admit it, but she sure does seem to idolize Sarah Palin because she's retweeting her and thinking she's a genius and saying tons of mindbogglingly stupid shit that would make Palin soooo proud. Also, when we first met, she was totally in love with her. For a while after we became friends, she thought Palin was an idiot, but that apparently changed pretty quickly. And I know! I have no idea why anyone in that family needs a TV show.

jeff's picture


It'd be OK to have an ironic crush on someone right wing and offensive. Imagine grudgefucking them with dirty talk about liking their stimulus package and somesuch....


No one else?

Err, forget I said anything...

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Super Duck's picture

Who was that one chick on

Who was that one chick on Miss America or whatever a few years back who made the comment against gay marriage? I guess she was sort of hot. Sort of. I don't think she counts as a politician or anything, though, just a brainless hot girl!

jeff's picture

--- "You can judge the

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Super Duck's picture

Yeah, that's the chick I was

Yeah, that's the chick I was thinking about.

Meow's picture

Your teachers sound very

Your teachers sound very unprofessional, to be honest. I guess it makes most sense to be close to the one who likes you and who you like, and just stay out of the radar of the annoying ones.
Calculus requires loads of practice, and can end up being quite fun. Most of the people in my class found that they liked it quite a bit!
If people ask you why you want to go away, why not just say something like, "I want to broaden my worldview" or something like that, and hopefully they won't ask more.
Hate to say it, but you do need to think about yourself as far as beating your friend goes. Be sure that other people will be looking out for themselves and you should do the same. But friendships, if real, shouldn't suffer because of things like this.

elph's picture

Yep... calculus can be fun...

...but just wait until you start playing with DE (differential equations): it's the mathematical analog of a continuous orgasm!

Super Duck's picture

This is the first time I've

This is the first time I've ever seen "mathematical" and "orgasm" in the same sentence!

elph's picture


I was just trying to relate DE to something I suspected everyone would be familiar with... Did I fail?

Super Duck's picture

No, I thought it was pretty

No, I thought it was pretty funny. A mathematical orgasm!

Super Duck's picture

Yeah, some of them pretty

Yeah, some of them pretty much are most of the time. It's next-to-impossible for the ones who have been there a long time to get in any trouble, and I guess some just milk that for all it's worth.

You're the first I've seen to say that calculus can be fun. I really hope you're right!

I'm not really too worried. I know #4, #5, and and #6, honestly, none of them even have a chance. Pretty sure #4 and #6 don't even have the correct number of honors credits. I go to a really, really small school, so it's honestly not hard at all to be at the top. It's also not uncommon for there to be a huge drop between two people's grades. I am almost 100% sure I honestly don't have any real competition whatsoever except my friend.

elph's picture

So... a bit more about "frightening" calculus

Yes... something new can be frightening... particularly if the teacher doesn't take into consideration these concerns when introducing the course!

The greatest source of one feeling, "Oh, this is so far beyond what I'm capable of comprehending"... is largely due to all of those new mathematical symbols that are being thrust before you: ∑, ∫, ∂. etc.

They're not to fear: These are merely shorthand notations (not unlike +, −, ×, =, etc.) which state that what follows should be acted upon (i.e., modified) in some specific way... nothing more!

True... you're going to go beyond merely adding, dividing, and subtracting. But the real "math" is knowing what it is you need/want to do with the information at hand in order to arrive at the result you're looking for. One such problem might be: How might one construct a container from a fixed amount of material such that the container's volume will be the maximum possible?

Once the student gets over the fear of those new math symbols... that's when the "fun" begins.

Super Duck's picture

It makes me feel a little

It makes me feel a little better to know it won't be as scary once I learn what all the symbols mean. Also, I just remembered I have a neighbor who is a retired calculus teacher! Maybe if I get too far over my head, she would be willing to help.

elph's picture

Only a little? :)

Just remember: Don't let those symbols scare you... that is the downfall of so many students.