There aren't any lesbians on Oasis. It's just me and Super Duck, and this makes me very sad. Just a bunch of gay dudes and a couple bi people. All of the lesbians left, I think. I feel like lesbians are a minority within a minority, which is so unfair. Like, gay guys are portrayed in the media a lot more than lesbians are. I dunno.
I'm writing this journal out of sheer, unrelenting boredom. I have nothing of value to say here, other than I am dying of boredom. I might be getting a different job so that will keep me busy. Um...I've considered going back and revising my old poems, which is practically a sin for poets, but no new material will come to me. When I read over the poems I wrote this year I see some flaws in my writing, some bland or rushed lines I wrote to fill in the space, and it disappoints me.
I've been seething about this whole boyfriend thing ever since Brittany told me about how much her boyfriend sucks. I try not to think about it, but with nothing to occupy my time, I keep going back to it and then I get royally pissed off. It's just not fair. It's really, really not fair. I'd be a wonderful girlfriend. I'd listen to her no matter what she has to say, I'd make her feel special, I'd be there for her. She could call me at three in the morning to talk about why the sky is blue and I'd be MORE than willing to listen, for crying out loud.
Why? Why the fuck...I can't even wrap my mind around it. Even a girl as intelligent as Brittany makes the mistake that millions of dumb-ass girls make--she stays with a guy who treats her like shit and just puts up with it. Are those few good moments he has worth all of the bad? I must be missing something here.
It makes me wanna throw myself at her, shake some sense into her, tell her that she's wasting her time, that I would be the better choice. I should've given more assertive advice when she talked to me about this, convinced her to dump his sorry ass. But instead I am here on the sidelines, stuck in the role of a supportive close friend, forcing myself to be content with what I have with her when I know there's a chance for more. But I'm too cowardly to throw it all out there. I can't risk it. Regardless of how sure I am she knows, I can't bring myself to tell her in case my suspicions were wrong. I'd look like an idiot. What would I gain? What would change by telling her?
Is the risk as big as I'm thinking it is, or am I just freaking out over nothing? Brittany doesn't strike me as the type of girl to drop our friendship because I like her, so why can't I tell her? This wasn't nearly as big of an issue until I learned about her boyfriend. I'm not sure why it's changed the situation, but it has. I want her now more than ever before. I want her to dump him. Why do assholes get awesome girls when genuinely nice people like me get nothing except a front-row seat to the disaster that is their relationship? It's. Not. Fair.
This situation sounds far too familiar. Hm.