Not sure...

hellonwheels's picture

How to feel right now. Went to T's memorial service tonight...and, it was great. In that, I met up with and saw friends whom I hadn't seen in years.

I also learned how he did it. and it was fucking gruesome. I wouldn't wish that death on anyone, let alone to have a family member find someone that way. ever.

Sorry, i am drunk as hell right now, and my blood sugars are still high as fuck.

I mean, I have last 20 friends in 9 years...far too many for my young age. and part of what I can credit to why I am still alive is that I saw how badly all my friends committing hari kari affected their families.

By all accounts. I should have died soo many fucking times in my life, and due to my alcoholism in the past, I may actually be doing just that. idk.

I have had so many years of not giving a flying fuck that it's honestly scaring me. I killed myself w/o regard or care for 16 years...now, I am starting to reap the effects of that.

Tonight, it was a beautiful service. everyone shared their memories of T, there were notes, pictures, and his lil bro and lil bro's gf organised everyone writing personal notes to tony, and then sending them up in the air in a balloon.

it was great. we all sat aroudn the bonfire, taking shots and drinking to our hearts content, and then we all were given charms and a small vial of tony's ashes from his mom and dad.

A band played a few songs, and some were hella depressing. I kid you not, one song was just 'why, why why?' repeating. first song I actually heard, I wanted to punch that singer in the face.

but it turns out she was a frined of his aunt.

His aunt, well now...she was WASTED. she was literally crying on my shoulder, a complete stranger, and she was bawling. I had to just sit there, comfort her, and then dance w/ her around the cabin.

It was a grand send off, yet again.

RIP Brother, we all loved ya.

too many of my frineds are dead. seriously. I know I was a borderline at-risk youth or whatever, but still. 20 friends in 8 years. not a good record. almost half were suicide. the rest were either natural causes, avalanches in the mtns- my personal place of solitude, or car accidents. but still far too many.

Comments

Bosemaster42's picture

Sorry about your friend,

Life is truly a fragile reality. I've lost many friends as well. Most were accidents or fatal overdoses. I can understand your wanting to drown your sorrow, just don't allow it to control you. Please! Are you Diabetic?
Perhaps a very good reason to give up the alcohol( I'm not being a party pooper either, your history dictates my sentiment) Plus there are safer alternatives that won't destroy your internal organs, bro.
Sounded like a nice service and his bro's idea was pretty cool and sad.
It was nice of you to comfort his aunt, she probably needed a shoulder to cry on. Hey, there's a damn good reason why your still around. I don't know what it is, but there is a reason. Peace and love, bro.

jeff's picture

So...

Put another way... 20 people you were afraid to come out to... are already dead anyway?

Doesn't this put into focus that you should live your life to its fullest? Do you really think T or anyone else would really care if you are gay?

In the grand scheme of things, this should show you how little that would matter to your true friends.

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)