Requiem for a Dream

Uncertain's picture

This is all fiction. Any resemblances to real life are purely coincidental.

- - - - -

Holy mother of God I need a God damn reality check; I need to start seeing reality. Feel it with all its perfections and imperfections. Holy fuck what am I going with my life. Oh my God, what have I been thinking.

This is a journal about drugs.

None of the glorification, or exagerations. Just events.

So the day starts out fine, I'm on holiday so I go to university and did some solid work. I even had a healthy breakfast. I met up with my close friend D and had an informal meeting about upcoming elections. Then this is where things sort of got "out of control".

After our meeting we got really bored, and since we have both finished exams we decided to go back to his house to hang out. We made a few martinis and then we thought it might be interesting to pop a few ritz, so we both had one each. We were gona go into the forest to find some mushrooms but isntead we decided to go to town. We eventually got a pretty smooth buzz just talking from the ritz, and waiting for our friends to arrive. We wanted to have a big night tonight so we crushed two more ritz, boiled it and drank it. N comes and has dinner with us. Everything is fine. He needed to study for his exam so I gave him a few ritz too. D's boyfirend comes back, we had an interesting chat about nothing and watched some MTV. We downed some more martini. We got "bored" so we took some antihistamines too. No big deal. It's just over the counter drugs. Then we left for our student bar. D's boyfriend stayed home because him and D kind of had an argument.

The student bar was REALLY SHIT that night, and we had expected it to be AMAZING because we thought everyone is slowly finishing exams. We tried to get mdma from our president, but she wasn't there, again no big deal, we were still on ritz at the time. Then it started to wear off, and we started having a really HUGE come down. The bar was REALLY SHIT. So we texted our friend J and "reluctantly" decided we would go to this house party tonight, but we didn't want to because everyone there was quite "trashy". D wanted to have a good time, so he popped another TWO ritz. At this stage he was on EIGHTY mg. He bumped himself up again, and I still felt like shit but I really wanted to do something tonight, so I decided to go to this party anyway. In the car D kept saying just take another one it won't be that bad, so I popped another one. I gave J one too. I felt so much better for a bit. But when we got there my thoughts were EVERYWHERE. I had a heavy feeling in my chest, and I almost couldn't string sentences together. But then it got a bit better, I had a few smokes and it calmed me down, and I hung out with D and J most of the time. But then I was REALLY REALLY CRASHING but I couldn't get home because they were my ride, and they insisted I drank more. So I did. I started feeling quite heavy in my chest, and I wanted to have fun too, so FOR FUCK SAKES D offered me some xanax (valium) to calm me down. I did. And it made me really relaxed but not for long. Everyone wanted to go back into town, and they all started doing lines, and I was like WHY NOT so I did a line too. I was happy for another few hours. But when we got there the place wasn't that great, and J started feeling like shit again, so we tried to have a few more drinks, but D wanted to make sure we had a good night so he got some speed out too. At this stage me and J were looking at each other like WHAT ARE WE DOING, but we still had some. So we danced and danced, but I felt like a zombie. D even wanted to get MORE because he wanted to REALLY make sure we had fun, I was like please GOD NO, then we left the club and everyone even wanted to go back to the host's place to DRINK EVEN MORE. I said to D and J that I'm calling it a night. So here I am.

Drugs aren't bad? They aren't bad? They fucking arent that bad? Rational smart people should be able to weigh up the "pros" and "cons"? If they can't then they're just too stupid, but let's not penalise the "smart" people who can make that tradeoff. WHAT IS THE GOD DAMN DIFFERENCE between these "two" sorts of people? What the hell is a "tradeoff" anyway? What on earth are we TRADING OFF exactly? What is a craving and just "wanting" it? What is the difference between being able to afford it or being desperate for it? It's still the same GOD DAMN drug. What the hell is a smart person then making this "tradeoff' then? D is suing large corporations for money already and he's still at university. I am a "successful" law student. D's boyfirend is already on a six digit salary. J is rising fast in the youth wing of a major political party. Call us "stupid" if you want. But things aren't so black and white. Policy has always been such a dichotomy between rational-liberalisation or paternalistic-scare-tactics, but where is the real "face" that humanises it all?

- - - - -

End.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Sounds like a messy night. Never did any of that stuff, so can't relate.

Not sure why prescription and OTC matters, though. If you take a lot of it, mix things, cap it off with cocaine... I mean, you're not chemists, things could go wrong.

A lot of celebrity overdoses lately are with prescription drugs. I mean, sure, you know the mg, the dosage, but once you go past that, and start mixing, sounds like a recipe for danger.

It didn't seem to cure your boredom, either...

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Uncertain's picture

I think tonight was the

I think tonight was the night me D and J started seeing how fucked up everything was.

jeff's picture

Well...

Sometimes that clarity is a good thing, if you start moving in a different direction as a result...

Assuming you haven't had that revelation before, and repeated the same behavior. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Uncertain's picture

I am just so disgusted at

I am just so disgusted at what happened tonight. Like, my God I am having a crisis.

jeff's picture

Well...

That's good.

By the way, a lot of "smart" people think they know how to use drugs and get away with it. A lot of them learn they aren't that smart, and some don't get a chance to learn that lesson.

A lot of the people who told me they knew what they were doing eventually went too far, and are sober now, since they learned they sort of couldn't control things as well as they thought.

This is a lesson learned early, or for anyone else reading this, learn by example and skip learning it firsthand entirely. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Uncertain's picture

I honestly don't know where

I honestly don't know where or how to start Jeff.

But I just want to take this chance to break the fourth wall (since it always seems to just be me and Jeff conversing these days), and without sounding too preachy, that if you are some other person reading this, you probably have and will encounter A LOT of drugs one day - and I mean the VERY hard ones, and in situations which you don't expect. I don't want to generalise too much but I feel this is something that is much more prevalent in the gay community.

I remember most vividly one day in high schooly my favourite and really close english teacher who knew I was gay sat me down and told me very solemnly "Max, be careful with drugs when you get older". I was ffteen at the time and I had no idea what she was on about. But now I realise how easy it is to be really "normalise" it and become "sucked" into it before you even realise you are.

Funny thing is I remember journalling about that conversation years ago, on this site.

elph's picture

I've been reading all...

...and I'm truly numb!

I wish so much I had the ability to assist... but the wisdom fails me!

But... I feel the despair... and I would be devastated if you fail to find the solution that works for you.

Please!

jeff's picture

Well...

I never found there to be the peer pressure, though. At least not externally. You might be around people you like, and who are doing drugs, and they may offer it... but I always found that when I refused, they never cared. So, the myth of people saying "C'mon, try it... or c'mon, it'll be fun..." never actually happened for me. Of course, you may pressure yourself to be one of the gang, etc., but that's different.

It's like anything else, though. Identify the situations where you do drugs, and you can know when you're about to be tempted and just don't do them.

Also, figure out why you take them, boredom, or perhaps since you have so much going on, it might be nice to dull all that down for a bit, etc., and figure out strategies to avoid those things, as well.

It's not hard, just boring perseverance, really.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Bosemaster42's picture

I know a kid,

who would mix pharmaceuticals and alcohol. There's a very fine line between addiction and using recreationally. Assuming this was a dream,
it could be your mind's way of warning you there is danger in this sort of behavior. You obviously realized you and your friend had had enough, which was very wise. Best to walk or run away at that point. The kid I mentioned is an addict and an alcoholic. I had the unfortunate pleasure of watching him consume this shit like a vaccum cleaner, I tried to talk some sense into him without success. He's simply one of those people who can't stop himself. The tradeoff, in his case was addiction.