Sigh...

Super Duck's picture

So, today I was supposed to take the ACT again, but last night, I had a panic attack and didn't sleep. Like, at all. Not even my usual medicine helped. I lay in bed for literally 5 hours just staring at the ceiling. I don't think I can make a 30 like I wanted on less than 2 hours of sleep... So I didn't go because I felt like shit anyway. I hurt all over and was hearing things. I still have 2 more times I can take it, and plus I also have a chance or two at the SAT in October and possibly November. (I'm digressing a bit here, but holy shit, I'm planning for something in November already!? Wasn't it January yesterday? Also, November = 18th birthday = legal adulthood = oh god help me future is scaryyy.)

I'm always doing this, the whole having panic attacks and making myself sick with anxiety thing. I am undoubtedly the most high-strung and neurotic person I know. At this rate, my hair's gonna be grey by the time I'm 30! Ughhh...

When I finally did wake up, the first thing that happened was stupid Brat said to me, "You know you missed your test, right?" like I'm some kind of fucking moron. I snapped at her. No shit, Brat. No fucking shit.

I'm worried now, though, because even though my overall ACT score is good, my math subscore is quite average. It looks ugly next to all my other scores. I guess now I have time to get some study materials for the September test. I always mess up on it because of fucking geometry. It's just one of those things that I find just cannot be processed by my brain. I'm so lucky I've never seen organic chemistry on the ACT.

I don't understand why I did this, though. I didn't do this the last two times I took it. I didn't even do this on the organic chemistry final! Why do I have to be such an idiot? Now I'm scared I will do this every time and never fix that bad math subscore. 

And now I feel totally idiotic for missing the ACT. Bad day. Also, failure and loserdom tastes like cheap chicken nuggets eaten alone in one's messy car in the Walmart parking lot. I'm not even supposed to eat chicken nuggets right now, so that's another thing I totally botched.

I wish it was possible to have the comfortable and well-paying job, the cute apartment in New York/Boston/California/other cool area far away from the Deep South, the hot wife, the little orange kitten, and access to amazing shopping without going through all this nonsense first. (Maybe I'll win the lottery.) I don't have to live like a queen, but I need to be able to afford all that. I may be lacking in the marketable skills department, but to say I'm hellbent on making this happen is an understatement. I sure hope determination counts for something. Maybe sometime in the next few years I'll even actually develop skills that don't include drawing cartoon animals and spouting useless information.

In other news, I start back at my annoying cashier job next week. Glorious. At least it isn't every day like last summer.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

There is definitely a risk of being concerned about this happening in the future becoming what makes it a problem in the future. So, I'd try and avoid that line of thought.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Super Duck's picture

I'm afraid I don't 100%

I'm afraid I don't 100% understand? I mean I get sort of what you're saying, but at the same time maybe I'm just too tired to fully process it. This kind of sounds like something my mom says. She's really big into the power of words.

jeff's picture

Heh...

If you start thinking there is a connection between you being unable to sleep before tests and it affecting your performance, it will become reality. If you figure it never happened in the past, so this is just some weird one-off, that will become reality, as well.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Super Duck's picture

Oh. Yeah, that's basically

Oh. Yeah, that's basically what my mom said.

radiosilence95's picture

Oh gosh, the ACT. I took it

Oh gosh, the ACT. I took it a second time and got the exact same score of 29! So. Frustrating. 30 and up guarantees scholarships, but anywhere in the 25 to 29 range should get us good scholarships too. Plus the college I'm probably going to doesn't really consider you based on your ACT score, so I kinda freaked out for nothing.

Oh boy. I didn't know you had issues with anxiety and panic attacks. You may wanna see your doctor about that if it happens again :\

Super Duck's picture

I have a 28... I know a 28

I have a 28... I know a 28 is above average, but I just want a 30 because it looks better.

Really bad panic attacks are pretty rare for me, actually. I hadn't had a bad one in a year until Friday night but little ones are fairly common. But yeah, I've always had various anxiety issues even as a little kid. I've been in and out of therapy for it since I was 7. I haven't gone in like three years so maybe I need to go back. Hmm.

SometimesY's picture

I never took the ACT because

I never took the ACT because my guidance counselor told me my SAT score was really good and they don't need both.. I only got a 1920 the only time I took it and still got a full tuition scholarship. The SATs and ACTs really aren't everything on a college application. Extra curriculars and awards and academic standing tend to have a little more weight than one test these days.

I'm not even sure what the ACT score is out of..

Super Duck's picture

An ACT test is out of 36. It

An ACT test is out of 36. It consists of four sections, all of which are out of 36, and then the subscores are added together and averaged out to give you a score on a scale of 1-36. A 1920 on the SAT is about equal to a 28 or 29 on the ACT.

SometimesY's picture

I see.. Thanks! No one ever

I see.. Thanks! No one ever bothered to explain that too me haha. I could have done a lot better if I studied but I didn't, and I was too lazy to take it again. I did terrible on the math section. I think it was a 550 or 575.. something like that. Either way, I got a nice scholarship with it, so ultimately I think you will be okay.