So, today I was supposed to take the ACT again, but last night, I had a panic attack and didn't sleep. Like, at all. Not even my usual medicine helped. I lay in bed for literally 5 hours just staring at the ceiling. I don't think I can make a 30 like I wanted on less than 2 hours of sleep... So I didn't go because I felt like shit anyway. I hurt all over and was hearing things. I still have 2 more times I can take it, and plus I also have a chance or two at the SAT in October and possibly November. (I'm digressing a bit here, but holy shit, I'm planning for something in November already!? Wasn't it January yesterday? Also, November = 18th birthday = legal adulthood = oh god help me future is scaryyy.)
I'm always doing this, the whole having panic attacks and making myself sick with anxiety thing. I am undoubtedly the most high-strung and neurotic person I know. At this rate, my hair's gonna be grey by the time I'm 30! Ughhh...
When I finally did wake up, the first thing that happened was stupid Brat said to me, "You know you missed your test, right?" like I'm some kind of fucking moron. I snapped at her. No shit, Brat. No fucking shit.
I'm worried now, though, because even though my overall ACT score is good, my math subscore is quite average. It looks ugly next to all my other scores. I guess now I have time to get some study materials for the September test. I always mess up on it because of fucking geometry. It's just one of those things that I find just cannot be processed by my brain. I'm so lucky I've never seen organic chemistry on the ACT.
I don't understand why I did this, though. I didn't do this the last two times I took it. I didn't even do this on the organic chemistry final! Why do I have to be such an idiot? Now I'm scared I will do this every time and never fix that bad math subscore.
And now I feel totally idiotic for missing the ACT. Bad day. Also, failure and loserdom tastes like cheap chicken nuggets eaten alone in one's messy car in the Walmart parking lot. I'm not even supposed to eat chicken nuggets right now, so that's another thing I totally botched.
I wish it was possible to have the comfortable and well-paying job, the cute apartment in New York/Boston/California/other cool area far away from the Deep South, the hot wife, the little orange kitten, and access to amazing shopping without going through all this nonsense first. (Maybe I'll win the lottery.) I don't have to live like a queen, but I need to be able to afford all that. I may be lacking in the marketable skills department, but to say I'm hellbent on making this happen is an understatement. I sure hope determination counts for something. Maybe sometime in the next few years I'll even actually develop skills that don't include drawing cartoon animals and spouting useless information.
In other news, I start back at my annoying cashier job next week. Glorious. At least it isn't every day like last summer.