So apparently...

hellonwheels's picture

Out is IN!!! saweet! Not...

So I just dropped off my mom @ church for her trip down south, and apparently @ the UCC OR United Church of Christ, being gay is in...

I always knew they were fairly cool w/ it, and even had some gay members, but I walked in for the first time in probably 7 years tonight, and the whole place was plastered w/ LGBT propaganda and scholarship offers, and the like.

Also, the gay AA group was meeting there, and there were a surprising amount of gay dudes there on motorcycles, nice cars, etc...They all looked like they were there from industrial jobs and the sort, and most of them didn't look 'gay' as it were.

Shoulda known. Maybe one of these days I will go, but I doubt it. My drinking isn't really a problem now like it was as a kid.

Also, don't want to run into my ex.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Do they know your member is gay?

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

hahahha...

No...they don't know I am gay. at least I haven't told anyone.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Well...

You still have your 30s to be out... ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

haha...yeah. if I make it

...to my 30's.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Well...

You should join the church, so you can lock in an afterlife, cuz you're taking too long to do stuff in this one. ;-)

Your dad was going to kick your ass if you came out, now he can't if he wanted to.

Mom is a member of a gay church.

Everyone you grew up with is either gay or gay-friendly.

What's the hold-up? Let's get moving, babe.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

where in the hell did you get...

That everyone I grew up with is gay or gay friendly? Mike might, and I emphasize MIGHT be gay, and I have a few friends who are OK with gays, but overall most of my friends are extremely homophobic rednecks, and I still live in a small ass town, where homophobia is still very prevalent.

my mom I knew would be ok with it, but my sister, my brother in law, his family, and much of my extended family would not be.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

OK...

Then leave... what are you gaining by living the life these people want for you, rather than your own?

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

Nothing...

But the life I can live and the life I want to live are two very, very different things...I don't want to be gay, never have wanted to, and never will. I also have a lot of issues w/ being gay, and always have. call it internalized homophobia from growing up the way I did.

idk man, there may be hope for me yet, but I doubt it.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I realize you have decided on a specific narrative, and continue to live it. But it is entirely chosen...

You don't want to be gay? So what?
http://youtu.be/6C7Wfu9N7OE?t=6s

Have issues being gay? Sort them out. Can't? Go into therapy.

This is your life, not theirs, and your life involves finding a guy, falling in love, sucking his cock, and learning to be happy and accepting of yourself.

Anyone who is not helping you on that path?
http://youtu.be/rOsH_pbfOV8?t=4m30s

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

It's a choice I have made, you are right...

But I made it long ago, and it's so engrained in my head now that It will probably never go away, all the way.

while I have definitely made strides in a TON of ways, in that I am now out, to some family and a number of friends, and also have gone to gay eevents and have gay friends, that was huge,

will I ever be truly a-OK with it? probably not. My internalized homophobia is wayyyy too deep now to ever fully get rid of.

idk jeff. I will never be happy in a relationship with a man, just not gonna happen.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Hmm...

I have three words for you.

Ther
A
Py

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm72DPJCX58

my river of deceit is self chosen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm72DPJCX58

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Bitch, please...

I saw Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, etc., live the first time around... ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

well, I have definitely seen soundgarden...

The first time around...My friend is in a member of the band's family...lol

I have never been a fan of pearl jam, really speaking. only a few songs by nirvana. love soundgarden though. one of my favorite local seattel bands for sure.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Better song for you...

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

I fucking hate

Michael jackson. the only good thing was the annie are you ok one he did before alien ant farm. lol

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Make that change...

(Smooth Criminal)
---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

yeah, that's the one...

I shoulda known it, but was thinking of mad season songs on youtube when I responded. lol

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Since...

I just dug this up to post in response to someone on Facebook, you get it, too:

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

ohh man...

I just got hella shit on facebook from people about shit I posted.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

jeff's picture

Did you...

just post the I Am What I Am video? ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Sam2000's picture

hey...

I love and respect you both, but this back and forth fighting isn't cool.

Sam

jeff's picture

hehehe...

This is nothing new. Nothing to worry about...

The breakdown is:

When you're young and closeted, I am supportive.

When you start getting old and closeted, then it gets all:

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

hellonwheels's picture

Going cher on me, are ya?

;)