So basically what haven't happened?

Mogul's picture

So basically what haven't happened?
What my fucking old school did was illegal and I got support from the gov, plus they had done many other things that are illegal. I'm oficciallly out of that school, Mom caught me cutting, again with the psychologist, weird dream with Nico where he sends me a text saying "I miss you! <3" so I woke up thinking it was real and got disappointed because it was a dream, went to a party and it was a HUGE mistake thanks to my socially awkwardness, anxiety and a bunch of tons that brought me down. These days I've been unstable (emotionally) and I just hate it because I'm really good and then I think, see, hear something and BOOM I'm with a huge pain in the chest, red eyes thanks to the tears that want to go out and then I start to feel worthless and more stuff like that and the last thing that comes is suicide thoughts and a surge for self-harm (if it wasn't for the promise I made for my mom, I would have all my left leg full with cuts) and the worst thing are the scars because I can't put anything that leaves my leg visible because of the scars.

The coming out with Nico was easy. I sent him a huge text saying Almost everything and 2 days later he replies: "Don't worry be happy with your life" and that was all. I was expecting something different, but idk right now what to put here.

I'm extremely tired, I haven't slept well so good night people.

Comments

elph's picture

So much drama… so much unhappiness...

Is it only Nico's "I miss you!" that's in the dream sequence… and all else is real? Anyway, that's what I'm assuming…

I truly try to understand "cutting"… really! It's clear that you're unhappy about it… but how to end it?

I make no pretense of knowing where to start. But I might suggest that you try to express in words those emotions you are holding that are so disturbing… and cutting seems to offer the only recourse for relief. Put those feelings in writing… in whatever language you're most comfortable… reread and edit until you're totally satisfied with its honesty:

This is who I am… and this is what I now feel!

Forcing these repressed feelings out into the open by expressing them clearly in your own words could be extremely therapeutic. A hope of mine is that this device may prove to be the key.

I'm hoping that you might see a possible way forward… share your essay with your psychologist… and, maybe, even with your mom. Whether this will work, I have no basis for knowing. But I truly believe that you are capable of surmounting this current storm! You are intelligent… don't let that gift be wasted!

Just curious: When you're thinking about Nico… and your thoughts turn dark along with the urge to seek relief by cutting… is masturbation impossible? For many, this provides much-needed relief.

****

Where do you now stand with schooling? You were attending a quite prestigious school... right? Any chance of your returning?

Mogul's picture

The "I miss you!" was just a

The "I miss you!" was just a dream that pissed me.

Writting has been one method to express my feelings, but sometimes it wasn't enough and I started cutting and I forgot completely of that method and in my last session with my psychologist she told me to do that and show her what I write.

Masturbating in those moments won't work because I don't get hard while I'm feeling like shit.

I couldn't understand this part: "Where do you now stand with schooling?" what do you mean?
My old school, I thought it was prestigious, but it's just a family business where they only want money and forget everything and what the principal did to me and she did the same thing to some friend and his brother and the ministry of education told my mom to get me out of there, that they had bad intentions with me and that my school thinks they are superior. So I'm not returning.

elph's picture

On schooling...

Sorry... It's clear now that I misinterpreted: When you wrote, "I'm oficciallly out of that school," I jumped precipitously to the erroneous conclusion that you'd done something that led to your expulsion (cutting... maybe)! :(

So... back to schooling: What's next? Good things, I hope!

Yeah... I can readily appreciate how my "suggestion" to divert your attention from cutting would prove rather difficult to implement... Oh, well... I'm confident that other "opportunities" will arise! :)

I'm pleased that your psychologist also supports the idea that you write down your feelings, hopes, anxieties, fears... and, also, try to explain how cutting diverts your attention from these concerns: That essay will almost certainly prove to be of great help to both of you...!

You can do it!