Sorry guys.

radiosilence95's picture

This journal is 95% Brittany. I usually have a few other topics to dilute the overwhelming Brittany-ness, but right now I don't. So to spare you, I'll start with the 5%: I went to another counseling appointment recently and I think I might not need it anymore. We talked about it for most of the hour and...I just think I'm too, y'know, happy for it. Sure, I have obstacles right now, but I'm not nearly as miserable as I was when I first started going. I was an emotional wreck, all confused about my sexuality and fighting with my dad and whining about Amber and shit.

I feel secure about who I am now. Whenever we talk, it's usually pretty lighthearted, actually. It feels less like a therapist/client relationship and more like a friendship. Which is not...right. So I'm waiting another month and if things are still mostly awesome for me than I'll tell my counselor her services are no longer needed. She's really cool to talk to and I'll miss her, but there are people who need that hour with her much more than I do. I almost wish I WAS super depressed about something just so we could keep talking. But she promised we'd stay in touch, be it through emails or phone calls or run-ins at Walmart or whatever.

Now, Brittany. I went to her graduation tonight and I gotta tell you, it amazes me how rude people can be. A guy sitting next to me actually TALKED ON HIS PHONE DURING THE CEREMONY. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Respectful silence and then "Yeah, it's already started. Yes honey, they're getting their diplomas right now." I loudly whispered to myself, "How rude can you be?" and I know he heard me, but he kept on talking. And ten minutes after he hung up, he answered ANOTHER CALL AND TALKED AGAIN. What a dickface.

And then this large family kept cheering way too loud when someone they knew received their diploma. It's fine to cheer in support, but they kept going so long and so loud that you couldn't hear the names of other students being announced. Eventually people around them told them to shut up, so one woman made a scene by complaining about people complaining and then they all left. My mom said bye really loud and I was scared to death they would all hear her and gang up on her. It totally disrupted the ceremony, too. Idiots.

AND THEN after much irritation and putting up with the inconsiderate trailer trash of Illinois, Brittany's name was called. I didn't get a wonderful view of her, but my heart was in my throat when they said her name. I squeed and clapped. I thought about cheering like crazy and making a fool out of myself but decided against it. She was only on the stage for five seconds. And that five seconds was worth the entire ceremony plus the obnoxious people.

She was so beautiful.

Afterwards, a guy fell from the stands (which is a big deal because they were pretty high) and people kept yelling for someone to call 911. Amazing considering EVERYBODY has fucking smartphones in their pockets nowadays. Sheesh.

My mom and I had to trek through a swarm of thousands of eager parents and slightly embarrassed teens, with cameras flashing everywhere and shit. I tried looking for Brittany. I wanted to tell her congratulations, maybe possibly get a hug even though she's not the hugging type, awkwardly say hello to her entire family. But I couldn't find her, so we left and had a nice steak dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants.

Her graduation party is tomorrow, but I can't go. I mean, I can, but I can't. I asked my friend Judd if he was going and he said no, which means I'm not going. Because other than Brittany, Judd would be the only person I would know. And if I went there alone it would be uber awkward. I can just imagine the levels of awkward that would be reached. I really, really wanna go,'s just not worth the discomfort.

Okay, so Monday dinner just HAS to happen this time. She didn't make it last Monday because she had to work, so this time must happen. I'm also hoping that next week I can invite her and some other friends over for a nighttime swim, but I think my period will be starting soon so it may be longer than I had hoped. Fuck, even mother nature is trying to tear Brittany and I apart. We've planned things practically ten times but we've only hung out outside of school like three. Jesus.


radiosilence95's picture

Forgot to add:

The thing that really burns me up about not going to her graduation party is that the kid who's always flirting with her and messing with her might be going. She's inviting ALL of her friends, so that most likely includes him. UGH. He'll be there touching her hair and making her giggle and shit while I'll be at my dad's playing Gamecube games with my little sister and wondering how much fun Brittany is having without me.

I can't help but feel that this annoying kid and I are competing for her attention. It's totally not true, she obviously likes me better, but still. It should be ME flirting with her and making her giggle and soaking up her magnificent attention. Harumph.

elph's picture

Can you teach me how to...

...squee? :)

Anyway... I'm now heading (at this ungodly hour!) for the graduation ceremony at your possibly future alma mater.

radiosilence95's picture

Yep, tycoon's video explains

Yep, tycoon's video explains it well enough, but without the annoying repetition. It's basically done whenever you see something adorable or awesome, and Brittany falls under both categories.

I can only guess how long a college graduation would take. I wonder if it's anything like a high school graduation. That college is very, very small, so I can't imagine a ceremony at a huge university! It must take all day.

Super Duck's picture

I totally know what you mean

I totally know what you mean about rude douchebags at graduation. When I went to my friends' graduation, I sat in front of these middle-aged women who kept talking loudly amongst themselves. And then there were the people who brought their babies and refused to take them outside when they started crying and screaming.

radiosilence95's picture

Ugh, it's so irritating.

Ugh, it's so irritating. There was a baby crying near me too and the mom just kept saying ssshhh as if that would magically make it stop. It's like a special ceremony honoring the hard work of high school graduates brings out all the trashy, rude people.