This journal is 95% Brittany. I usually have a few other topics to dilute the overwhelming Brittany-ness, but right now I don't. So to spare you, I'll start with the 5%: I went to another counseling appointment recently and I think I might not need it anymore. We talked about it for most of the hour and...I just think I'm too, y'know, happy for it. Sure, I have obstacles right now, but I'm not nearly as miserable as I was when I first started going. I was an emotional wreck, all confused about my sexuality and fighting with my dad and whining about Amber and shit.
I feel secure about who I am now. Whenever we talk, it's usually pretty lighthearted, actually. It feels less like a therapist/client relationship and more like a friendship. Which is not...right. So I'm waiting another month and if things are still mostly awesome for me than I'll tell my counselor her services are no longer needed. She's really cool to talk to and I'll miss her, but there are people who need that hour with her much more than I do. I almost wish I WAS super depressed about something just so we could keep talking. But she promised we'd stay in touch, be it through emails or phone calls or run-ins at Walmart or whatever.
Now, Brittany. I went to her graduation tonight and I gotta tell you, it amazes me how rude people can be. A guy sitting next to me actually TALKED ON HIS PHONE DURING THE CEREMONY. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? Respectful silence and then "Yeah, it's already started. Yes honey, they're getting their diplomas right now." I loudly whispered to myself, "How rude can you be?" and I know he heard me, but he kept on talking. And ten minutes after he hung up, he answered ANOTHER CALL AND TALKED AGAIN. What a dickface.
And then this large family kept cheering way too loud when someone they knew received their diploma. It's fine to cheer in support, but they kept going so long and so loud that you couldn't hear the names of other students being announced. Eventually people around them told them to shut up, so one woman made a scene by complaining about people complaining and then they all left. My mom said bye really loud and I was scared to death they would all hear her and gang up on her. It totally disrupted the ceremony, too. Idiots.
AND THEN after much irritation and putting up with the inconsiderate trailer trash of Illinois, Brittany's name was called. I didn't get a wonderful view of her, but my heart was in my throat when they said her name. I squeed and clapped. I thought about cheering like crazy and making a fool out of myself but decided against it. She was only on the stage for five seconds. And that five seconds was worth the entire ceremony plus the obnoxious people.
She was so beautiful.
Afterwards, a guy fell from the stands (which is a big deal because they were pretty high) and people kept yelling for someone to call 911. Amazing considering EVERYBODY has fucking smartphones in their pockets nowadays. Sheesh.
My mom and I had to trek through a swarm of thousands of eager parents and slightly embarrassed teens, with cameras flashing everywhere and shit. I tried looking for Brittany. I wanted to tell her congratulations, maybe possibly get a hug even though she's not the hugging type, awkwardly say hello to her entire family. But I couldn't find her, so we left and had a nice steak dinner at one of my favorite local restaurants.
Her graduation party is tomorrow, but I can't go. I mean, I can, but I can't. I asked my friend Judd if he was going and he said no, which means I'm not going. Because other than Brittany, Judd would be the only person I would know. And if I went there alone it would be uber awkward. I can just imagine the levels of awkward that would be reached. I really, really wanna go, but...it's just not worth the discomfort.
Okay, so Monday dinner just HAS to happen this time. She didn't make it last Monday because she had to work, so this time must happen. I'm also hoping that next week I can invite her and some other friends over for a nighttime swim, but I think my period will be starting soon so it may be longer than I had hoped. Fuck, even mother nature is trying to tear Brittany and I apart. We've planned things practically ten times but we've only hung out outside of school like three. Jesus.