Taking on "too" much

Uncertain's picture

Man my circadian rhythmn is fucked.

This has actually been my sleep "pattern", staying awake all day and night, and doing two-hour naps during the day and evening. It has meant I was squeezing in almost 20 hours per day.

This was literally my sleep pattern for the past two days, I stayed up all night studying, then "napped" for two hours, went to our student union meeting at noon then studied, then "napped" for another two hours, went to a study-in protest in the evening until midnight; until the university threatened disciplinary action and police turned up ready to arrest us, after which we moved to our offices on campus and studied all night again. Then I quickly "napped" for an hour, downed some coffee, strolled to the exam, and then scribbled on paper in silence for three hours. I was not tired, but I didn't feel normal either. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, and my mind and body weren't exactly in sync.

I wouldn't say I'm doing this exactly out of necessity. Evident from the fact that I'm writing this meant that at least I have time to take a break.

Also, I'm having another one of those OCD moments where I freak out about life again. And I haven't been able to "enjoy" life in a while. Not like I don't feel happy or hang out with friends or laugh. But like, wow, I just haven't felt content in a while you know? But contentness isn't feeling nothing or blank either. I have been feeling that, sometimes for days, and I hate it. I've lost a kind of feeling I can only describe as a combination of feeling safe, worthwhile, purposeful, content, loved, genuinely-empathetic, important, secure and happy - but in a stable and long-lasting manner. The closest thing that has come close is 'partying' or 'achieving' something, but both of these things are illusions and are so incredibly transient. They are like a band-aid, or a temporary high. And the next day I will often feel many times worse. I was paranoid looking at my degree, and again my OCD self started questioning various aspects of my life, thinking how I could transfer universities, switch degrees, wishing I had take on more things, looking up interships, speculating about doing a triple major (despite doing a law conjoint double major and a certificate already), applying for tutoring positions, and mass reading e-books and articles (oh my god this is the worse), but at the end nothing was done, there was no real action, which I have to realise is a good thing because my obsession with 'proving' something to myself is borderlining on the irrational when these episodes kick-in, and it has merely become a form of 'denial' that attempts to resolve the cognitive dissonance in my brain. Even writing this is a way of trying to resolve that dissonance.

//

Comments

Bosemaster42's picture

You need to slow down.

I believe you may have verified your own suspicions. It sounds to me like you need to allow yourself to unwind(completely) and take the time to enjoy what you have accomplished. Sleep deprivation is no joke. It may actually magnify your OCD. Of course, I'm no doctor, but I have worked a split-shift schedule in the past which changed my sleep habits dramatically, for almost a year. I would run on 3-4 hours of real sleep,usually during daylight hours, but I always felt tired.
You've accomplished a lot, try not to allow your thoughts to derail or dissuade you from what's real. You need some solid sleep(6-8hr)Perhaps that might slow your spinning wheel of thoughts.

Uncertain's picture

Yeah you're absolutely

Yeah you're absolutely right. I get a three week break in about two weeks. Hopefully I can make good use of that.

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Is there any chance that during your naps you are starting fight clubs around New Zealand under a different name?

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Uncertain's picture

Not quite sure I get what you mean

Is there something topical that is happening in New Zealand which I'm missing...?

jeff's picture

Sorry...

Fight Club reference. Spoiler Alert: The narrator has insomnia, but when he thinks he is napping, he is really living as Tyler Durden and starting fight clubs. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)