Man my circadian rhythmn is fucked.
This has actually been my sleep "pattern", staying awake all day and night, and doing two-hour naps during the day and evening. It has meant I was squeezing in almost 20 hours per day.
This was literally my sleep pattern for the past two days, I stayed up all night studying, then "napped" for two hours, went to our student union meeting at noon then studied, then "napped" for another two hours, went to a study-in protest in the evening until midnight; until the university threatened disciplinary action and police turned up ready to arrest us, after which we moved to our offices on campus and studied all night again. Then I quickly "napped" for an hour, downed some coffee, strolled to the exam, and then scribbled on paper in silence for three hours. I was not tired, but I didn't feel normal either. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, and my mind and body weren't exactly in sync.
I wouldn't say I'm doing this exactly out of necessity. Evident from the fact that I'm writing this meant that at least I have time to take a break.
Also, I'm having another one of those OCD moments where I freak out about life again. And I haven't been able to "enjoy" life in a while. Not like I don't feel happy or hang out with friends or laugh. But like, wow, I just haven't felt content in a while you know? But contentness isn't feeling nothing or blank either. I have been feeling that, sometimes for days, and I hate it. I've lost a kind of feeling I can only describe as a combination of feeling safe, worthwhile, purposeful, content, loved, genuinely-empathetic, important, secure and happy - but in a stable and long-lasting manner. The closest thing that has come close is 'partying' or 'achieving' something, but both of these things are illusions and are so incredibly transient. They are like a band-aid, or a temporary high. And the next day I will often feel many times worse. I was paranoid looking at my degree, and again my OCD self started questioning various aspects of my life, thinking how I could transfer universities, switch degrees, wishing I had take on more things, looking up interships, speculating about doing a triple major (despite doing a law conjoint double major and a certificate already), applying for tutoring positions, and mass reading e-books and articles (oh my god this is the worse), but at the end nothing was done, there was no real action, which I have to realise is a good thing because my obsession with 'proving' something to myself is borderlining on the irrational when these episodes kick-in, and it has merely become a form of 'denial' that attempts to resolve the cognitive dissonance in my brain. Even writing this is a way of trying to resolve that dissonance.