Venn Diagrams

Uncertain's picture

Some guy just asked me out to dinner.

It's a fucking weird feeling, because I've been so "de-sexualised" these days I honestly haven't felt attracted to anyone or flirted with anything for ages, nor do I feel particularly attractive or care (it's a two-way thing). Like sex and relationships just haven't been this huge thing for me at this time of my life. So it kind of weirded me out how forward he was. I've already had sex with this guy before, but then I literally just stopped talking to him because I wasn't emotionally ready.

And I still don't think I'm ready, partially because I've been so busy and distracted and partially because I'm still extremely scared of committing. A few months passed since our last encounter and he has started talking to me again (I was the one who cut off contact initially). I've kind of said yes to dinner which is obviously a date mostly becasue it's nice and I want to have sex with him again (the sex was actually pretty amazing), but I feel like I'm cheating myself because I'm not otherwise attracted to him or really care for him at all as a person and I've turned down a few subsequent guys after our "fling" because I've told myself I will never be able to separate sex and emotion and romance and ultimately love, so I want to be perfectly ready and perfectly sure before the next time I get with someone. Because of this, I'm really conflicted, because my rational self tells me I really don't want anything more to do with this person except sex yet at the same time I've convinced myself sex is never just sex (for me). This is probably all very confusing, even I don't quite get it either. After my last stable relationship (and having slept around already in another chapter of my life) that's the conclusion I've come to; I feel if I had been "consistent" and got with more people in the past year I would feel more comfortable having a fling with this guy, because I would be able to delineate more clearly sex and my emotions; either way I still feel like a dick because that's not obviously what he wants, because I'm pretty sure he wants a relationship and not just sex. Argh, I am so confused.

- - - - -

In other news (this is something that has been bugging me as well so I want to write about it), I've been unofficially nominated to run for the Vice-President of our student union next year. I'm stoked our exec and student body has so much faith in me, but it's a huge load of work, at least twenty hours a week (this is on top fulltime university study plus my other commitments), writing submissions, reviewing university staff, organising protests if necessary, meetings with sponsors and MPs, organising events, sitting on boards, liasing with our official banks, accountants and lawyers, doing interviews on national television if need-be, it's going to be crazy. AND there's also a lot of CRAZY SHIT happening with the organisation right now, because after all a union is still a business with complex trust and board structures so ultimately there are nitty-gritty transparency and financial issues, and I'm just not sure if I can deal with all of this.

So, I'm flattered, part of me wants to take on the challenge, but jesus christ I DO NOT KNOW if I will be up to it.

Comments

elph's picture

You'll figure it out... I'm sure!

I'm sympathetic with the quandary posed by the "dinner" invitation… particularly if it turns out that he's been "saving himself" for just such an opportunity (I know you didn't say that… it just sounded sorta idyllic…). I hate to shatter dreams of others…

Also… I fully agree that the sex would be greatly enhanced were both mutually smitten… not just by lust (never lose that!), but with the fervent shared desire that this could be "it"… maybe forever! This seems to be where you're now at…

This view arises, regrettably, not from personal experience… but it's just the way I'd like it were I able to go back in time and do it right…

****

That student union position would look great on an application for graduate school… But it does look as though some thinning of obligations may be needed if studies and overall health are given top priority...

Uncertain's picture

Yeah I'd hate to get his

Yeah I'd hate to get his hopes up, there's no way this guy would be "it", ever. I am not in any way emotionally attracted to him, oddly enough, despite him being good in bed and extremely nice (and french, if you consider that a bonus... I don't really care about that but my friends seem to). WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

jeff's picture

Well...

Why not do things right in the present? Get out there, girl!

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Uncertain's picture

DO IT ELPH.

DO IT ELPH.

elph's picture

If you know a way...

...I'd be forever grateful if you would share the magic words with me!

No... It's much too late for me; my enjoyment is limited to vicariously sharing yours (with your permission, of course).

jeff's picture

Nonsense...

Watch Beginners, that movie is based on a true story of someone who came out late in life and found love. Sure, he dies in the movie, but one could argue he died pretty happy. There is no "too late."

Find it, try it, do it, buy it... but get out there!

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Well, not sure why it would be forward to ask someone you know and have slept with already to go out to dinner... I've run into past tricks when out in SF, and you'd both smile, hug, catch up for a bit, maybe get together again... it's not like they're strangers.

If you only want sex from him, and he wants more, then it is a bad scene. No strings sex needs to be a two-way thing. You can't have no strings, but he does. Add to that that you've had issues only having sex and it becoming all emotional and such, seems like your best recourse is to cancel dinner. OR tell him all this stuff and let him know it will only be dinner for now? Canceling is probably easier, though. He'd probably just say he's OK with it to sleep with you again (who could blame him? heh), and then get all messy afterward. But if you know it's not likely to be true, and that you have that issue anyway, best to avoid and cancel.

You can flatter him in the process, though. Say that you initially said yes thinking back to the fun you'd had in the past, since the sex was great, but that it wouldn't be right to get together just for the sex, knowing that he wants more and you don't. (Best not to say that you don't "right now", etc., since that introduces hope into the mix)

Tricks are fine, when the tricks know their tricks. Or if you have a FWB setup and everything is pretty well communicated. You finding a random hookup isn't that difficult, so if you just need to get off, find some amazing guy who will give you a great night of respect, passion, intimacy and release... and then not want more. Unless all your tricks want more, which may speak to you being special? ;-)

As for the VP thing, be equally practical. Look at your career trajectory and determine if it would potentially help you advance, network, get noticed, or somesuch. If it doesn't help you in the future, sounds like you have enough plates spinning most of the time.

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Uncertain's picture

I think you are right. I

I think you are right. I will tell him soon...

At this stage I'm thinking of running for the VP thing. But mostly for the money, it's not a lot, but at least I get remunerated unlike all the other stuff I do. It's like taking up part-time work...