Some guy just asked me out to dinner.
It's a fucking weird feeling, because I've been so "de-sexualised" these days I honestly haven't felt attracted to anyone or flirted with anything for ages, nor do I feel particularly attractive or care (it's a two-way thing). Like sex and relationships just haven't been this huge thing for me at this time of my life. So it kind of weirded me out how forward he was. I've already had sex with this guy before, but then I literally just stopped talking to him because I wasn't emotionally ready.
And I still don't think I'm ready, partially because I've been so busy and distracted and partially because I'm still extremely scared of committing. A few months passed since our last encounter and he has started talking to me again (I was the one who cut off contact initially). I've kind of said yes to dinner which is obviously a date mostly becasue it's nice and I want to have sex with him again (the sex was actually pretty amazing), but I feel like I'm cheating myself because I'm not otherwise attracted to him or really care for him at all as a person and I've turned down a few subsequent guys after our "fling" because I've told myself I will never be able to separate sex and emotion and romance and ultimately love, so I want to be perfectly ready and perfectly sure before the next time I get with someone. Because of this, I'm really conflicted, because my rational self tells me I really don't want anything more to do with this person except sex yet at the same time I've convinced myself sex is never just sex (for me). This is probably all very confusing, even I don't quite get it either. After my last stable relationship (and having slept around already in another chapter of my life) that's the conclusion I've come to; I feel if I had been "consistent" and got with more people in the past year I would feel more comfortable having a fling with this guy, because I would be able to delineate more clearly sex and my emotions; either way I still feel like a dick because that's not obviously what he wants, because I'm pretty sure he wants a relationship and not just sex. Argh, I am so confused.
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In other news (this is something that has been bugging me as well so I want to write about it), I've been unofficially nominated to run for the Vice-President of our student union next year. I'm stoked our exec and student body has so much faith in me, but it's a huge load of work, at least twenty hours a week (this is on top fulltime university study plus my other commitments), writing submissions, reviewing university staff, organising protests if necessary, meetings with sponsors and MPs, organising events, sitting on boards, liasing with our official banks, accountants and lawyers, doing interviews on national television if need-be, it's going to be crazy. AND there's also a lot of CRAZY SHIT happening with the organisation right now, because after all a union is still a business with complex trust and board structures so ultimately there are nitty-gritty transparency and financial issues, and I'm just not sure if I can deal with all of this.
So, I'm flattered, part of me wants to take on the challenge, but jesus christ I DO NOT KNOW if I will be up to it.