Who knew two topics could make for a long journal?

radiosilence95's picture

One: I finally, finally, went swimming at night with Brittany and Judd. I was bouncing off the walls with excitement, and then I got a text from Brittany asking if it was okay for her to bring her boyfriend. It felt like my stomach had been flung against a brick wall. What was I supposed to say? "Nope, can't bring that asshole with you. Sorry." So I responded: "Yeah sure, I mean, if he wants to", and I think she may have somehow picked up on my irritation, because for whatever reason she pulled into my driveway at 9 o'clock at night alone. I wasn't going to ask why he didn't show up, I was just glad he didn't. Maybe he just didn't want to swim. I dunno.

We had a good half hour alone before Judd showed up. We pulled my trampoline as close as possible and bounced off of it into the pool. And lemme tell you, I had every reason to be psyched about seeing her in a bikini. Oh my. She has, like, the perfect body. Completely blemish-free, pale skin that isn't too pale, fantastic curves. Unfortunately I didn't get to fawn over her sexiness as much as I would've liked. It was dark, couldn't see all too well. Plus I didn't want to gawk and make it obvious. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to pull off being near a bikini-ed Brittany without blushing or stuttering. Wish I could've gotten a better look.

Then Judd showed up, once again coming down from a high (he smokes every day now, which I think is less for recreation and more to satisfy an addiction, but whatever) and we had oodles of fun. Giggle fits everywhere. At one point Brittany got to meet my mom and my sister. Later after she left my sister told me that she's really pretty and awesome and she earns her seal of approval, so that's great.

Judd left around midnight. Brittany and I floated around for another hour before she left reluctantly. She would've stayed even later than one in the morning, she told me, but she had to be up early today. She was freaking out because, once again, we were surrounded by intimidating blackness with nearby porch lights being our only source of light. At one point she got really close to me, without touching me though, scared because she heard something. Ha. After talking and laughing and stuff, she finally left. I walked her to her car, said goodbye and that we should do this again sometime, and that was that.

I still didn't tell her how I felt. Damn it.

Two: I'm starting to get into writing short stories again, for the first time in about a year. It's frustrating, because I have the basic concept laid out, I just find it so difficult to make it work on paper. I don't know if I need to organize it better, have a clearer vision of the order of events, but I really wanna write this.

Lemme give you the bare-bones synopsis: There are two ladies, one openly gay and the other "straight," who've been best friends since their freshman year of college. The openly gay chick has had some suppressed feelings towards her best friend since they first met, and there are some subtleties that suggest that they're both aware of that, and that their friendship runs deeper and differs from that of your typical pair of women.

So, these two have graduated and live in separate apartments within close proximity of one another, and they're unsatisfied with their jobs, uncertain of their goals and dreams and the like. The straight one has an asshole boyfriend and finds comfort in the gay chick. Slowly but surely they confront the meaning of their relationship, fall in love, all that good stuff.

I'm thinking of a decent climax involving the boyfriend actually physically abusing the straight one during an argument, and then she dumps him and that's kinda when she stops running from the feelings she's had. And these two friends maybe, I dunno, hook up even while she's still in that relationship, which confuses the fuck out of both of them and makes things even more muddled.

By now you've probably noticed that certain aspects of this story hold some similarities to my current situation, and all I have to say to that is that I can only write what I know about and what I've at least somewhat experienced.

I feel like I need to consider symbolism. Something deeper than just the literal happenings and stuff. I also need to be careful and avoid melodramatic dialogue and plot development. I need to portray these characters in a realistic way, portray their confusion and their helplessness. There's a lot to consider here, so maybe I'll mull over some ideas and keep this sitting on the shelf for a bit before I begin writing. I really wanna get started on it though.

Comments

Bosemaster42's picture

Why wait?

You should write while the ideas are fresh in your mind. Don't worry about what you don't 'know'. I'm assuming this is fiction with a little dose of real life? Use your imagination. You can always edit what you don't like.

radiosilence95's picture

I actually started writing

I actually started writing last night, but I only got two paragraphs done. I plan on getting a lot more done tonight. It felt good, writing fiction again after such a long break. I will probably have to do a lot of editing, but that's okay.

jeff's picture

Err...

The organization typically happens after the writing.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

radiosilence95's picture

-

How so?

jeff's picture

Well...

It is easier to shape and organize a story once you write it. Most authors go by the adage: writing is rewriting.

The first draft is not supposed to be perfect, or be done correctly, or flow brilliantly. Most people call it the vomit draft. Just put everything down. Don't worry about punctuation, paragraphs, having a point, anything... It is easier to shape something once it exists, than make it perfect before you start. Plus, the vomit draft removes the part where you question what you are writing, where it's going, and such. It also gives you the opportunity to go in directions you might not uncover if you planned them.

If your story is personal, there's a good chance you're not writing because it will be emotional. So, all of this planning and talking about it is essentially procrastination disguised as productivity. But at the end of the day, if you're not writing, you're not really writing.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

anarchist's picture

The same concept is used in music.

A song is supposed to be organized first, and perfected later. I used to do this, but I started using a new software, called Ableton, that makes this very difficult. So I've just been messing around, trying to come up with something good.

anarchist's picture

Fuck.

I always read your journals at night on my iPod, while I'm listening to dubstep mixes, and I wanted to comment something on here. Now that I can, I've forgotten what it was I wanted to comment.

By the way:
>By now you've probably noticed that certain aspects of this story hold some similarities to my current situation

You don't say?

radiosilence95's picture

Supposedly dubstep sounds a

Supposedly dubstep sounds a hundred times better when you're high. At least, that's what Brittany has told me. In fact, one day this summer we plan on smoking together. That would be the greatest thing ever.

Ha. Well, considering how young and inexperienced with life the things I can write about are actually kinda limited. This storyline is something I can definitely run with.

anarchist's picture

Interesting.

I've never had a cannabis high, but I get natural highs sometimes. When I have those, music doesn't sound good, but feels good. It just stimulates my entire nervous system and it's so incredible. But the best kind of dubstep for that is Kromestar. <3 A shitload of bass and a really chill mood. King Tubby also has tons of crazy sounds that create a variety of interesting sensations.

Anyway, I'm not planning on finding out what a cannabis high is like. I'm much more interested in LSD. I've heard much better things about that. I actually hear cannabis is a pretty boring drug. Not interested.

radiosilence95's picture

Well, the good news is LSD

Well, the good news is LSD isn't addictive like other drugs, but it can be rather risky. A lot can go wrong if you try it. A friend of a friend of mine tried it once and months later he still has some side effects. It really fucks up your nervous system. I'd be too scared to try it.

Pot is the baby drug, if you will, and some people do find it boring, but that's usually because they start looking for a more intense high. People experience it differently though. Some people think it's fantastic, others don't understand the appeal. To each his own, I suppose. I don't think it's mind-blowing or spectacular or anything.

anarchist's picture

That's one reason I want to try LSD.

There isn't as much of a risk of getting addicted. I would definitely do it, but I'd make sure I have a friend with me, so I don't go freak out and hurt myself or anything. I don't think I'll do it, though, because I don't know of anyone who has any LSD.

BTW, I think LSD is like the Wabbajack. The effects are unpredictable.

jeff's picture

The trouble...

... with pot, is there are two varieties, indica and sativa. Sativa is the more popular, but indica seems like the more interesting one. I'll let you do your own research on that front, though.

I'm not sure cannabis is so boring that you should just skip it. If anything, it will sort of give you a sense of getting out of your head a bit, rather than going right to high-end psychedelics.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

anarchist's picture

That doesn't make sense.

Marijuana shouldn't be a gateway to psychedelic drugs. Marijuana doesn't make people trip. I think a better gateway to LSD would be salvia divinorum, but getting that would be even harder than LSD, so that would be completely pointless. And I've changed my mind about salvia after watching some YouTube videos. That stuff looks scary.

jeff's picture

Well...

Some people freak out when they do drugs, just the sensations, not being able to stop it, etc., so better to do something low end to start, then something more intense that you might have more desire to stop, and can't.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

elph's picture

Then...

...there remains the question: "Why ever start?"

This decision may exert a profound impact (possibly irreversible) on one's future quality of life...

Each individual's response to a particular drug can be quite idiosyncratic... but they're never benign analogs of anything like masturbation+++.

Drugs can behave in quite insidious ways... and involve too many unknowns.

Some may prove quite benign... but they're like sex with an unknown partner: You just do not know! And... there's no equivalent for a condom!!!

Tacit (i.e., subtle) encouragement to "experiment" is irresponsible!

Quite illogical... I'm well aware... but I do consider that alcohol in moderation and caffeine (again, in moderation) are excluded from this indictment... and, undoubtedly, there are others yet to be identified! :(

jeff's picture

Well...

That's a path that often doesn't work: Just say no, etc. That just gets you outside of people's confidences as they proceed to do whatever they want anyway.

Typically, people interested in trying drugs follow through and do it, so it is more important to meet them where they are. It is also not my role to tell people how to live their lives. As a libertarian, I am for legalization of all drugs. I'm not not big on a government nanny state deciding what you can and can't do with your own body.

I'm not sure how encouraging someone who wants to do LSD to first use pot is encouraging more experimentation. On the drug scale, pot is way more benign than LSD. So, suggesting you start smaller isn't encouraging more drug use, just smarter drug use. Now, if he said he was interested in trying pot, and I suggested LSD, then you'd have a point. ;-)

Typically, when people learn to hand glide, they don't start at the top of a massive cliff over the ocean. They start much lower, to get a sense of things, learn to steer, get used to the feelings, how the wind can suddenly change, and then they work up to the top of the mountain, so they've had a bit more experience with what might happen. Same thing here.

In that sense, drug experiences can be guided by the user. Drugs often amplify the mood they are in. If they are paranoid and fearful, their trip can be paranoid and freaky. If they are in a good place, they have a better experience. So, again, learning all of that in advance, is useful, if you intend to do more psychedelic drugs, etc.

I also think pot is more benign than alcohol, and that you are only OK with that because it is legal.

I think there are risks with drug use, and I'm not certain I would do LSD. I never have yet. But I also believe there are adverse affects to living a life controlled entirely by caution.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

anarchist's picture

If that's the way it is, then nevermind.

I don't want to have to go out and get cannabis and sit through a series of marijuana highs forever before even thinking about LSD. So I'll just do nothing, because that doesn't seem worth it. Just a waste of time and energy. I'll stick to playing the video game LSD. Heheh.

jeff's picture

Well...

Certainly not required, just smarter. If you're not that committed, better to not do it at all.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

anarchist's picture

I was just being hypothetical, anyway.

Again, I don't know anybody who has LSD. Everybody just does cannabis.

elph's picture

Predictably...

...readers would have been quite surprised if some sort of rebuttal had not been made: It would have been quite out of character. :)

But... a rambling discourse devoid of direction... oh, well...?

I do not have access to the motivation behind your comments... but you seem to know mine (incorrectly, in matter of fact):

"I also think pot is more benign than alcohol, and that you are only OK with that because it is legal." (underlining mine)

Alcohol is one of the oldest substances to be consumed by man... initially (at least 20,000 years or more ago) because of unintentional spoilage and fermentation of stored foods. One might make an argument that over many generations of those who "survived" fermented foods, man has evolved a certain tolerance for alcohol. Recent studies tend to suggest that in modest (admittedly a weaseley term!) quantity, alcohol may actually provide health benefits... this may or may not be born out in future studies... (I will not pursue how alcohol became common in man's social and religious pursuits.)

But... planting the "seed" that my soft argument in defense of alcohol is likely based on its current legality... can only be seen as a device to discredit all of my thoughts on mind-altering substances... :(

****

My current position on mind-altering (i.e., "recreational") substances:

(1) No objection as long as they are demonstrated to not have a deleterious long-term effect on one's health, and

(2) That when one is in a compromised mental state, one should never find himself in a position where he could potentially affect the welfare or safety of others (e.g., drunk driving).

****

On marijuana, specifically: There exists considerable evidence that use does contribute to permanent changes within the brain. The degree of change seems to be dependent on both length of time and quantity consumed --- with no concrete specificity on either. I contend that any recreational substance that can be shown to be related to physical changes in the brain should be avoided!

This information, alone, should be sufficient to cause any thinking individual (particularly a teenager) to ask, "Is it really worth the risk?"

If cannabis is used to obtain relief from chronic pain, it may be that the trade-off between immediate relief and long-term negative effects may justify its use. I really don't know... and at our present level of knowledge, the evidence is agonizingly inconclusive.

****

My final comment: It's not acceptable to suggest (no matter how obliquely)... "The harm is unproven, it'll be fun, go ahead and experiment!" To imply (not saying that you did), "...but do so cautiously" would be a disingenuous cop-out!

Repeating: There is no equivalent of a condom where drugs are involved...

And... before a rebuttal is made pointing out that all drugs (including those prescribed for medical purposes) may have both negative and positive effects... don't bother! This is acknowledged.

jeff's picture

Uhh...

Yeah, I tend to reply when in an ongoing conversation. It is a weird quirk I picked up as a human.

Not sure how alcohol going back to fermentation has to do with its acceptable recreational use today, but if that helps you, here you go: "One of the first crops to be cultivated by mankind, cannabis use is as old as agriculture. First grown for its fibres, the ancient Chinese used it to make rope, cloth and even paper. The earliest references to its psychoactive properties appear in the Atharva-Veda, a sacred Indian text dating back four thousand years." I still don't see the connection.

Ultimately, as I said, I'm not here to tell people how to live. If someone wants to date someone bad for them, we say that doesn't sound like a good idea, why are you doing it? If someone wants to get into risky sex, we examine it. If someone does drugs, we talk about it. There are lots of drug users on this site, so they should get information, good and bad, from their peers. At the end of the day, if you haven't noticed, they do whatever they want anyway.

I really have no interest in telling people how to live, only discussing how they are living. I share stories about friends who had bad drug experiences, when applicable. And that I have friends who love doing drugs. It isn't my place to tell people what to do, not to mention, I also don't believe that is my role. I rather help people crystallize their own decisions and do what they themselves decide works for them. I don't think I could make someone do or not do drugs because I typed a few words here.

It is like the old Chris Rock routine that there is no drug problem. People who want to do drugs find them. And people who don't want to use drugs never do them. No one runs around injecting people against their will.

I almost never drink or use drugs. But I drank and tried drugs before arriving there, as many people do. I think knowledge and experience is a better teacher than fear.

I don't know why the condom thing is so powerful for you, as it seems off the mark. In this case, the drug use is the orgasm, and in the condom example, you are still having sex before the orgasm. So, there is a benefit before the condom essentially comes into play, whereas with drugs, there is no exciting ramp-up beforehand. So, seems an off metaphor.

It does seem that we are more adamant about discussing drugs than anarchist was about trying any, though, hehe. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

elph's picture

As the discussion...

...now borders on ridicule and impugning one's motives, it's prudent to just quit!

Tycoondashkid's picture

looks like...

im not the only Journal Jacker here

elph's picture

But...

Haven't you noticed the common denominator... ?

Tycoondashkid's picture

Yep, its Jeff

although i have noticed you are the peace maker, you settle things

jeff's picture

Well...

The common denominator is me engaged with people who think their point is conclusive and the last word that needs to be said on the matter. Only makes sense that the two of you wouldn't see it from that perspective, hehehe.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

anarchist's picture

What if Jeff

created this website just so he could spam posts? Jeff is a mega troll!

Tycoondashkid's picture

Mother of God

you're on to something, Jeff can be a such a troll but he be a well trained troll! i have never encountered his type before

jeff's picture

Well...

Scroll up and see who is on topic, replying to things actually being said in the conversation, and who introduced a whole anti-drug reply not related to the prior posts.

The big clue: If anarchist is the one supposedly interested in taking a drug, wouldn't elph reply to him with his take on things. Instead he starts breaking down my reply. If you disagree with me, wouldn't you reply directly with a contrary view to anarchist and just dismiss my argument in passing?

Above my second reply, there is an exchange with anarchist where I even say "better to not do it at all." But an hour or so later, elph still breaks down all the points he disagrees with, seemingly after the conversation had ended.

I agree. It is very easy to see who jacked this journal, IMHO.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

radiosilence95's picture

Curses! I've been journal jacked!

I'm only leaving this comment because I just wanted to round this up to a comfortable 30 comments as opposed to an annoying 29.

But on the topic of drugs, I will say that it would be partially untrue if I said I don't care what other people do with their bodies. I mean, if someone I really loved and cared about got into meth or cocaine, I'd be very concerned. It's very rare that people can control their drug intake when it comes to shit other than pot.

If a friend of mine could somehow pull off only doing shit like heroin once in awhile or to an extent that it wasn't dominating their lives or physically harming them, then fine. But that's so rare. If a stranger wants to became a mentally unstable meth addict, whatever, I don't know them and I don't care. I just feel that my attitude would be different if it was someone close to me.

jeff's picture

Oops, 31...

(Plus, to be fair, there will be rebuttals tomorrow to what I posted anyway...)

Yeah, meth and heroin are the truly horrible things to really avoid. Hard to find anyone with happy stories there. I have two friends who had really bad meth experiences. But people go on their own journeys... so I had two friends do meth, and you off to help them in whatever way they need. Both are off of it now, thankfully. That said, I am confident no one would have told either of them anything to stop them from doing it. Totally matches how they live and their personalities, albeit in totally different ways for each of them...

I think of drug use as two camps: people using it to avoid something in their life (want to lose inhibitions/body image at a club, depressed, having issues with family, jobs, life, etc.), and people using it to enhance themselves while in a good place (MDMA at a rave, mushrooms out in nature, pot while writing to give them more freedom to go in weird tangents, etc.). So, I'm much more supportive of the latter... the former? Get a therapist, work on yourself... when the high wears off, your life sucks again.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

anarchist's picture

That isn't true.

LSD isn't addictive. That's one of the main reasons I'm interested in it.

elph's picture

You've done the research!

If you do go ahead, proceed very cautiously! Make sure that there's always someone not under the influence close at hand just in case the experiment goes awry.

anarchist's picture

Of course I would take all those precautions.

People at my lunch have already told me about that. Thanks, though.