Yes, another journal.

radiosilence95's picture

I'm pissed off because my best friend Judd has started dealing pot and his twin brother told his mom about it. I'm not sure which part of this pisses me off more: the fact that he's dealing weed or the fact that his twin brother got him grounded just to see him get in trouble. I have no issue with my friends smoking pot every now and then, but Judd does it a bit too frequently for my liking. And now that he's actually dealing it...that's a whole new level of stupidity, quite frankly. You get in a lot more trouble with the law if you deal than if you're just in possession.

He promised we'd go out to dinner tonight to make up for last week, but he's grounded so it's doubtful his mom will allow that, although his mom's really chill about this sort of thing and might make an exception. He's grounded for two weeks, which irks me for selfish reasons. Ya see, Judd for some strange reason works two shifts a day every day except Monday and Tuesday, which is SO annoying. So if we ever want to hang out it has to be on those two days pretty much. I had this plan to invite him and Brittany over Monday or Tuesday next week for a nighttime swim. But, since he's grounded, I'll have to wait longer for that to happen. I suppose I could just invite Brittany over regardless, but honestly the idea of being alone in my pool with her at night without another friend to buffer potential awkward silences or anything scares the hell out of me.

Ah, well. In the meantime I guess Brittany and I could do something else...alone together. We hung out last week though. I don't want to suffocate her by asking her to hang out once a week all summer. But that's just me being far too analytical for my own good. It wouldn't hurt to ask her to do something next week, probably. Yeah. I think I'll do that.

So my best friend is a moron and I'm about to kick him in the face to knock some sense into him. I love that kid though. He's like the little brother I never ever wanted.

I'm not sure if I've bitched about this thoroughly yet, but I've been confronted with a longing to leave this town. In the middle of junior year I suddenly was hit by this urge to just...leave. I'm tired of these people and sadly I'm tired of my family. I'm tired of being surrounded by close-minded traditional Catholics who have nothing better to do than organize church picnics and drive their straight-A angels to soccer practice. This town is a haven for retired seniors who crave peace and quiet, it's an oasis for old-fashioned religious families who are content with living in a rut of simplicity.

Nothing happens here. People here seem to have a uniform way of thinking. Same values, same traditions. Sameness everywhere. Teenagers here are brats whose self-worth is guided by the depth of their parents' wallets. Narrow-mindedness is my biggest pet peeve and it flows freely here. Free thinking, I feel, is unwelcome here. Nobody has anything interesting to say here. Nobody has interesting thoughts. When I was little, I loved it here because it was safe. I found security in the uniformity of this place. Now it disgusts me.

And my family. I won't be coming out to them anytime soon. What good would it do? I'll be free from them in a year so why stir the pot. Ugh. That's an awful phrase. "I'll be free from them in a year." They're decent people. Really. They are. values are just so different from theirs. I'll never belong, I'll never feel fully comfortable with them. They've done a lot for me and I'll always appreciate that deeply, but...I just can't wait to leave. I can't wait to graduate and go to college where I can just be ME. As long as I'm here, I'm grounded. I'll never be able to explore myself or grow into myself completely. I'm not ME yet, I'm not Jenna yet. Not yet. If that makes any sort of sense.

I truly believe that college will be paradise for me. I've got some growing to do, intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually. College, particularly the college I'm hopefully going to, will help me achieve that growth. I'm just really getting tired of the people here, especially the teens. I know I can survive one more year here. Barely. Until graduation, I'll have my friends to keep me sane. And my music. And my poetry.

I've sort of shrouded myself in a tight little bubble and only certain people are allowed to penetrate it. I don't give a fuck about anything but me, my friends, my grades, my future, and Brittany. My plan for senior year is to kick ass in school and have a fun time with my friends and then get the hell out of here. College is the fresh start I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm holding college on a pedestal that's much too high. I hope I'm not disappointed once I get there.

Fuck, I hate this town.


Tycoondashkid's picture

kick em in the nuts

its the only way he will learn

i left my home town to another town and i want to leave again, to the Fair City of Edinburgh, but one thing ive learned on my short time on earth and it is a horrible truth they are no paradises in the real world, you have to make your own in your head.

;_; i cried when i found out you were disappointed in your friend, i guess its all too familiar

radiosilence95's picture

Oh, I plan on giving him a

Oh, I plan on giving him a strict talk. Our friend Haylee HATES when he does anything associated with pot, so once she hears about this, she'll explode. She's very...aggressive sometimes.

Did you seriously cry? Like literally shed tears? Damn, kid. This manstrating thing is kicking your ass, isn't it? I mean, the dealing is something that does somewhat disappoint me, but as long as he sells to close friends and isn't walking around on the streets selling to dangerous strangers I guess I can live with it. I still love him like a brother :P

jeff's picture

Better off...

Just saying you're concerned and talking through his reasons with him.

If you come down against stuff like that, the behavior doesn't change, you just lose access and he may shut you out.

Always best to meet people where they are and express your concern, than tell them how to live.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Tycoondashkid's picture


yes, i did, its doing more than kicking my ass, ok that does somewhat make me feel better.

jeff's picture


It is pretty common for major potheads to start dealing. It is often the only way to pay for the habit. As long as he's buying from someone he knows and just selling to friends, that's relatively safe. Now, when you can start getting crystal, MDMA, cocaine and everything else through him, then that's a problem, since he's way more exposed legally.

Look into a program to do your senior year abroad?

I do think there is benefit to coming out and all that, though. I mean, I'm a big proponent of moving to a big city and living a more interesting life, but you can also sort of plant seeds with people that these issues are about people they know. "Gay marriage!!!" isn't some spooky thing happening in major cities, it is what Jenna we grew up with wants as well. I got out of town, but I was very out and such before I left. Even after I left, since the town was kind of closeted, when gay issues happened, I would write letters to the editor from San Francisco, call into my friend's radio talkshow, etc.

Plus, if you aren't changing things, you can't really claim there is one uniform way of thinking, since it means you and everyone else like you is keeping quiet and letting it happen.

So, yeah, go to college out of town, and reinvent yourself, or just be yourself... but I'm not entirely certain that absolves you from doing anything in the interim. Go out with a bang... who knows maybe someone there wants to penetrate your bubble and you don't even know it!

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

radiosilence95's picture

That's what I don't get. He

That's what I don't get. He makes a looot of money working a double shift almost every day, so what's the point of dealing weed? He's just doing it for close friends though so I guess it ain't bad. And as long as he sticks with pot, we're okay. People always say that pot's a gateway drug but not every person that smokes it turns to harder drugs.

I don't think our high school does that. Plus that would probably cost way too much money.

Oh, I plan on being fully out to my entire school senior year. I was REALLY hoping to show up at prom or homecoming with a girl as a scandalous way of coming out completely, but I'm not sure that will happen. Show up to school in gay pride shirts, the whole shebang. I might even make the teens in this town reconsider their thinking, at least for a moment, at least in the smallest ways.

But, as far as my family goes, I honestly can't see what good coming out would do. It wouldn't make them see the issue of gay marriage in a new light because they are very set in their ways. I always was told that the purpose of coming out was to free yourself, and I get the feeling that telling my family would do just the opposite. Once I'm out on my own and see them a lot less, I'll have no problem doing things like showing up to a family gathering with my beautiful girlfriend, because hey, who gives a damn? It won't be my problem then if they don't approve. I'll be fully independent by then.

jeff's picture


A lot of people who come out at school end up being outed to the parents somehow... so, it is usually better as a package deal.

Pot as a gateway drug is complete nonsense. It is only true in the same way that milk is a gateway liquid. It is the first thing you are likely to encounter, so yes, everybody who goes on to do other drugs likely started with pot. But there is no causality that you do the other stuff BECAUSE you did pot. I've smoked and eaten pot, and I've never done any other drugs. I've been offered car keys with lines of coke on them. Had friends who sold mushrooms and other stuff. Never cared.

That is just part of making them spooky because they're illegal. And similarly why beer, which is legal, is not the gateway alcohol.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Bosemaster42's picture

It's not a gateway drug,

Admittedly, I did my share of mind altering substances in High School. I discovered the only thing I really liked was marijuana. I never really enjoyed drinking or getting drunk(very messy). Really, there are certain people who shouldn't do anything due to abusive tendencies. It appears to me, people with abusive personalities 'graduate' to stronger drugs. This can include people from all backgrounds and lifestyles. Honestly, the biggest scourge of today it legally or illegally obtained prescription drugs.
I have seen so many people get themselves in deep shit from using these drugs. In fact, I have a friend(straight) who is recovering from heroin addiction. Although, I support his recovery, I also know he could very easily relapse. It's a shame too, he started with scripts,easily obtained from his parents medicine cabinet.
Jeff is right about confrontation though, he'll avoid you, most likely. Tell him your concerned and if he keeps his dealing amongst friends, the likelihood of him getting into trouble is less. Usually, people get caught because they get greedy and start moving larger amounts to make more money. Too easy to make mistakes if this happens. Good luck with your friend.

radiosilence95's picture

I don't think I have any

I don't think I have any abusive tendencies. I've tried pot, alcohol, and smoking cigarettes and I've never really gotten hooked on any of those things. Guess I'm just really lucky.

I am a bit concerned that my friend is not so lucky, that he does have those abusive tendencies. When he first started smoking it wasn't that often. Then it was every weekend, then it was almost every day after or before school, and now he's actually dealing it. So I think I have a right to be worried.

I guess I'll just tell him I want him to stick to selling to trustworthy friends, tell him I'm concerned. That's really all I can do. Ultimately it is his choice.

Bosemaster42's picture

Yes, that's about,

all you can do. The fact your showing you care may or may not help. He's definitely making a mistake smoking before school. Concentration is affected when 'high', and it doesn't have a positive effect on grades or learning. As a Senior, I stopped doing it before school. My grades were much better as a result. I know it sounds cliche, but there is definitely a time and place for smoking. I'm a late afternoon/evening smoker. Helps me to unwind and allows me to sleep like a rock. In High School, I always had problems falling asleep. Well, it was a welcome change after I smoked for the first time. One of those AHA! moments. Hopefully, with time and maturity he'll realize this is true.

jeff's picture


Also depends if he's smoking indica or sativa.

"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (

Bosemaster42's picture


That's true. Sativa(my fav) allows your brain to function. Indica, on the other hand, is mentally crippling. Unfortunately, Indica is more prevalent on the east coast. I think my favorite strain of all is Durban Poison, and any related hybrid of it. Taste is essential, like fine wine.

anarchist's picture

I know a guy who was suspended for dealing pot.

Or more accurately, he was suspended for being stupid and hiding it in his locker. Everybody thinks he's gay because they say he's effeminate, but I don't sense any femininity in him. Then again, people do act very different around me than they do around everybody else.
I also know a guy who rolls joints with pages from the Bible. Apparently, he's already to Exodus. Silly people are silly.

Tycoondashkid's picture

i imagine

you just suck everything that isn't average or butch, like you walk up to a effeminate person and the effininty is gone

radiosilence95's picture

Well, if you're dumb enough

Well, if you're dumb enough to bring it to school then I say you deserve to be caught. Lockers are the shittiest hiding places ever.

Irony is a wonderful thing. But hey, he's got enough paper to last him another 2000 or so joints.

Bosemaster42's picture


I never brought it to school. That's just asking for trouble. Good pot has a very distinct odor. It was a dumb move to put it in a locker. Discretion is very important. Rolling joints with book paper? UGH! That's rich.

ElsaGabor's picture

Pot smoking really isn't bad

Pot smoking really isn't bad at all, but dealing is such a stupid idea. Even though it was a pretty douche move on his brother's part to rat him out, it will probably help out your friend in the long run. If the family knows, its much harder for anyone to use or deal substance as they will most likely now observe his actions much closer.

radiosilence95's picture

Thing is, his mom's totally

Thing is, his mom's totally fine with him smoking pot, which is cool for a mother, but she's also not very strict. So, even though she's fully aware that he's dealing, it's doubtful he'll stop. His punishment isn't very severe. He's grounded for two weeks yet he still has access to his phone and all electronics, etc. The conditions of his punishment aren't nearly strict enough for him to learn a lesson.

ElsaGabor's picture


When I got caught smoking pot I got everything taken away! I guess he'll have to learn the hard way :/