I'm pissed off because my best friend Judd has started dealing pot and his twin brother told his mom about it. I'm not sure which part of this pisses me off more: the fact that he's dealing weed or the fact that his twin brother got him grounded just to see him get in trouble. I have no issue with my friends smoking pot every now and then, but Judd does it a bit too frequently for my liking. And now that he's actually dealing it...that's a whole new level of stupidity, quite frankly. You get in a lot more trouble with the law if you deal than if you're just in possession.
He promised we'd go out to dinner tonight to make up for last week, but he's grounded so it's doubtful his mom will allow that, although his mom's really chill about this sort of thing and might make an exception. He's grounded for two weeks, which irks me for selfish reasons. Ya see, Judd for some strange reason works two shifts a day every day except Monday and Tuesday, which is SO annoying. So if we ever want to hang out it has to be on those two days pretty much. I had this plan to invite him and Brittany over Monday or Tuesday next week for a nighttime swim. But, since he's grounded, I'll have to wait longer for that to happen. I suppose I could just invite Brittany over regardless, but honestly the idea of being alone in my pool with her at night without another friend to buffer potential awkward silences or anything scares the hell out of me.
Ah, well. In the meantime I guess Brittany and I could do something else...alone together. We hung out last week though. I don't want to suffocate her by asking her to hang out once a week all summer. But that's just me being far too analytical for my own good. It wouldn't hurt to ask her to do something next week, probably. Yeah. I think I'll do that.
So my best friend is a moron and I'm about to kick him in the face to knock some sense into him. I love that kid though. He's like the little brother I never ever wanted.
I'm not sure if I've bitched about this thoroughly yet, but I've been confronted with a longing to leave this town. In the middle of junior year I suddenly was hit by this urge to just...leave. I'm tired of these people and sadly I'm tired of my family. I'm tired of being surrounded by close-minded traditional Catholics who have nothing better to do than organize church picnics and drive their straight-A angels to soccer practice. This town is a haven for retired seniors who crave peace and quiet, it's an oasis for old-fashioned religious families who are content with living in a rut of simplicity.
Nothing happens here. People here seem to have a uniform way of thinking. Same values, same traditions. Sameness everywhere. Teenagers here are brats whose self-worth is guided by the depth of their parents' wallets. Narrow-mindedness is my biggest pet peeve and it flows freely here. Free thinking, I feel, is unwelcome here. Nobody has anything interesting to say here. Nobody has interesting thoughts. When I was little, I loved it here because it was safe. I found security in the uniformity of this place. Now it disgusts me.
And my family. I won't be coming out to them anytime soon. What good would it do? I'll be free from them in a year so why stir the pot. Ugh. That's an awful phrase. "I'll be free from them in a year." They're decent people. Really. They are. But...my values are just so different from theirs. I'll never belong, I'll never feel fully comfortable with them. They've done a lot for me and I'll always appreciate that deeply, but...I just can't wait to leave. I can't wait to graduate and go to college where I can just be ME. As long as I'm here, I'm grounded. I'll never be able to explore myself or grow into myself completely. I'm not ME yet, I'm not Jenna yet. Not yet. If that makes any sort of sense.
I truly believe that college will be paradise for me. I've got some growing to do, intellectually, physically, emotionally, spiritually. College, particularly the college I'm hopefully going to, will help me achieve that growth. I'm just really getting tired of the people here, especially the teens. I know I can survive one more year here. Barely. Until graduation, I'll have my friends to keep me sane. And my music. And my poetry.
I've sort of shrouded myself in a tight little bubble and only certain people are allowed to penetrate it. I don't give a fuck about anything but me, my friends, my grades, my future, and Brittany. My plan for senior year is to kick ass in school and have a fun time with my friends and then get the hell out of here. College is the fresh start I'm waiting for. Maybe I'm holding college on a pedestal that's much too high. I hope I'm not disappointed once I get there.
Fuck, I hate this town.