you're the lullaby

the_loser's picture

that sang to me. You're the other half. Like a missing piece.

This song sounds like fleet foxes. Things are great. I'm going to the gym a lot and I bought a tv the other day for my room. Workin' a lot. Friends are back for the summer from college. I'm headin up this fall. Not sure how I feel. Excited, yet not. Everything needs to work out, monetarily first before I can allow myself to be excited in case things don't work out. Sometimes things just don't work out for me.

I love having a car and going places I want and when I want. I love it. I like working out. I have energy always. I feel like despite all of these good things I am trying to compensate for what I lost. There has always been something in me that was missing. I was ok for awhile. It was filled. And now I am trying all these different new things and trying to fill it again. It's going ok. But still. Temporary fixes.

Still I feel like this. Every month at least once I get emotional. I PMS. But right now I'm not pmsing. I have nothing to blame. I've felt shitty the past couple days. Like a fog is surrounding me. I don't know what it is. I am crying at night. I can't help it. Memories. I miss things. I miss things I shouldn't be missing and thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. I don't want to miss anything ever again.

I have turned cynical when I said I wouldn't so many months ago when this first started. And I was positive and excited. I still am, I guess. But it's different. I don't have hope that I'll find someone someday. People can date, but it won't ever feel the same. I'm guarded. I don't want to get close to people. It's not important. It's not worth it. It's pointless. Honestly. Get close to someone and have them in your life for what? A couple months? years? And then they can leave. You can't control anything. Anyone can leave you anytime they want. With no warning. Or decide or wake up one day and they can tell you they don't love you anymore. Nothing is for sure. The chances of being with someone for life is rare. To zero. I don't believe it. I think I used to. I think love is great for other people. Mostly I believe it is something not for me. It just makes me a mess. Sometimes I think that's who I am though. When i'm a mess. All the other times I'm just displaced.

Cynical in the sense that I don't even want to make any effort to ever meet anyone new. I just don't care. I'm 19. I have so many other important things to do in my life. Right now, I wouldn't even have time for anyone even if I wanted to. Work is the most important thing to me. Working and saving money and working out. And sleeping. And playing video games, because that's the only thing that I enjoy regularly. I just feel like once I'm in school everything will be a lot more busy. And why would I want to spend time or make time for anyone? It's a burden. I know love is beautiful and all that shit, and don't get me wrong, it feels great. But I just don't care. When I think about it all I can think about is how dreadful it would be to make all of the effort for it and how much time it would take away from me. From me doing my own things.

I think all of this and know it to be true. That I would not logically want to be with anyone or make any effort to try to find anyone. But emotionally is different. Emotions don't follow reason and I am usually ok but I am drawn. I am longing. I miss things. Everything. I miss being loved. And feeling loved. Holding hands. Light touches. Soft kisses. Eyes.

I have this strange thing lately. I can't always look at people. I avoid eye contact at work when I'm at a register. I don't know why. I'm not shy. I'm not lacking confidence. I just don't like doing it all the time. Sometimes it's ok but randomly sometimes I just literally can't bring myself to. I've never had an issue with that. And sometimes when I look at someone I feel vulnerable almost, like they're looking into my soul. Like the moment we're making contact we have had a personal moment. And I don't want that. I am stuttering again.

Is it strange now I am in homeostasis? I am not bad or good. I do not feel extreme in anything. Am I a robot? I'm ok with this, it is just strange. Small things excite me. But it is small excitement. I do not know happy. I do not know sad. I just...don't care. About much of anything. The people who love me the most, my parents, I hardly talk to. I don't want to spend time with. I shun them, almost. It's like I'm an angsty 14 year old again. I feel bad. I can't help it. I just want to be alone. Always.

When I smile big, I have a really big smile, when I feel it reach my eyes, all I can think of is how often I do not smile big. As if the act of smiling fully only reminds me of the lack of smiling I do. Isn't that the opposite of what smiling is supposed to do? I smile a lot. But it's different. I laugh at everything at work. Courtesy laughs. It sickens me sometimes. Why am I laughing? That's not even funny. Why am I smiling? Got to. I like my job but lately I just feel exhausted. Like after 7 months it's finally catching up with me, all of this social anxiety and effort. I don't want to be social anymore. It's taking a toll. But work is all I know and love and all I need.
They know me for always being happy. I am the only one that whistles there. They don't even know me. They don't even know me. They don't even know me.

Every time I find myself laughing hard where my gut is hurting or my eyes are watering, I can't help but realize how foreign the feeling is. Of actually laughing. Like I don't actually enjoy myself anymore or find anything worth enjoying enough to smile genuinely or laugh heartily. What could? I ask myself, what would be so great as to even cause me to do either? I can't think of anything. And so that is my answer. Why am I not good or bad? Everything is okay. Everything is okay and so I am not inclined to feel either way because there is nothing to affect me in such a way. Nothing affects me. That's why I'm a robot. I just literally don't give a shit. It takes so much effort to actually give a fuck about anything, that I just don't. I can't, I think. Even if I tried. I guess I'm ok with that. Nothing really wrong with that. See? I can't even give a shit about not giving a shit about everything.

I'm just different. Cynical. And not caring about everything else. I don't even care about organizing. I did get excited about some music yesterday. That's about it. Work and music is all I care to be excited about. And one cute girl I know. But that's different. There is something in that that brings out the better qualities in me. Like how I was used to feeling. I don't really know anymore. Everything is kind of bullshit. But like I said, I don't really care, either.

I'm glad I got a tv.

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

Well, first of all...

Beyond that, I gave Uncertain similar advice as I would normally give, but since it was rather recently, instead of repeating myself, it is here: http://www.oasisjournals.com/2012/05/dear-t#comment-187830

On the point of relationships possibly ending, that reminds me of an argument I (and many others) used to make long before gay marriage was on everyone's radar, and long before it was even possible, let alone now legal and on a path to becoming real everywhere...

The idea was that there was something powerful that every day we stayed in a relationship, it was because we chose to. We had to work harder to make everything fair legally. We had societal forces working against us. But every day, gay couples would wake up and say this is the person I want to be with today, and unlike people who felt trapped in some legal contract and societal burden, we got to renew those vows every day out of no other reason but desire to be with one another. In some ways, that still sounds better than gay marriage, but too late... ;-)

I don't think it is fair for you to make any pronouncements about who you are and what you need yet, because it sounds like you're still in the downslope of the relationship ending. You don't need love because you have work? Yeah, a lot of people on their deathbeds always wished they'd done a lot more work. ;-)

Instead of trying to convince yourself you are this new thing, which is how I read this... less that you were telling us, more that you were attempting to convince yourself of it, just accept that you're wounded, and in repair.

It is true, however, that you're unlikely to find anything similar again. A first love/relationship, that lasted, as a teenager, is a one-time thing. But don't mistake experience for cynicism. You learned things about yourself in this relationship, and you will use that experience to inform your next decision. That isn't being cynical. You aren't becoming less open, just more focused. Every relationship teaches you about yourself, so the point is to apply those lessons.

I do think the Cher video said a lot of this more succinctly.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

the_loser's picture

Thank you, Jeff. Your advice

Thank you, Jeff. Your advice is always appreciated. I think I have come to realize that I'm still hurting even though I thought I was done for awhile but now it's resurfacing. I thought I gave myself enough time to get it all out because I'm usually pretty good about letting myself express my emotions when needed.

I think I am feeling this way again because she just moved back home for the summer so I know she is a 5 minute car ride away and it kills me a little.

I have always been a fast learner and impatient to move on to new things so I'm a little frustrated with myself for still feeling like this after so long because I just want to be done with it. I'm so annoyed at myself for even feeling anything sad when it seems like she is completely over it. I have always tried to be strong.

jeff's picture

Actually...

This seems to be a perfect song for this journal...

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Uncertain's picture

I think that trying to meet

I think that trying to meet people is overrated. I used to make an effort to meet people, but now I feel if you go out there and just focus and what you want to to achieve people will naturally come to you. Like you said, you're young, just go out there and do what you want to do!

the_loser's picture

Yes I have never been one to

Yes I have never been one to outwardly go out and look for anything. I have always believed good things will come to you.