And I forget just why I taste

the_loser's picture

Oh yeah, I guess it makes me smile
I found it hard, it was hard to find
Oh well, whatever, nevermind

I am excited to eventually find someone. It will be fun living up there. I wonder at how strange it is you've changed, though. I wonder if it's how you really feel or you're starving for attention. Always whining and crying for someone to text or to hang out with online. Facebook is ridiculous. Tumblr is ridiculous. Wishing someone could be your 'fling' and how casual sex is such a dream to you. I kind of laugh at you a lot secretly but I'm not sure if you're actually serious or just pretending because I know you hide your feelings well by acting like something else. I knew I was better when I stopped getting hurt by those remarks. I just started laughing because I am in a better place than you because this was about not needing someone. And I have never needed anyone.

I decided awhile ago that it is not worth someone's time to try or waste thinking about someone who doesn't give them the time of day. I know everything is okay now because I didn't matter then and I wouldn't matter now. I know you don't think about me at night because you broke up with me when you had already fallen out of love with me. I know that I am nothing to you. So whenever I start to second guess my thoughts I remind myself. It's comforting. There is no ambiguity, really.

I am excited to find someone who returns my love like how I love. How is that possible? I'm such a fierce lover. I guess it might be possible. I guess I probably won't love as much next time anyway. It'll be different. I'm still pretty excited, whenever it happens. I am wondering if loving someone new will help banish any remainder feelings I have about us. Because I know I do not love you or anything about you. I look at you and see nothing. I just missed us. We were great. I don't want to be with someone new and think about us ever or compare things. But I probably will, at first. I will because it'll be brand new and you and me was all I knew. It'll be another process. And I'll get through that, too.

I guess I hope that you don't see me as wounded anymore. I'm tired of ambiguity and not knowing how I feel. Because I don't. But I know how I want to feel. And that's all I'm going to work toward. I am putting the rest behind me where it belongs. You know we always said we can come back. Even after it ended. I intend to one day, and I hope you do too. But right now I don't want anything to do with it. It's like if a dog chases a car he wouldn't know what to do with it if he got it. Anything I've been thinking of recently has been pointless, and I realized that. And I realized it's foolish and unnecessary. I am loyal to a point. But I have always known when to stop. It's time to stop. I loved you and who you used to be.

I am so ready to start brand new. So many new things have happened to change me but internally I feel like I've been stopped in my tracks. Like a fog clung to me and I was too scared to go on emotionally. I guess it is time for me to start releasing everything now. Slowly. I have always been bad at letting go. I am ridiculously sentimental. Like how I saw you smile yesterday when you laughed and I remembered how much I use to love seeing your eyes like that when we were together. It was beautiful. I want to find someone who makes me smile. I don't smile as great as I used to. It'll take a lot. But I'm sure it'll be worth it.

Everything is a cycle. I'm in another process and I'm growing positive about my future relationships now which is good since I was cynical for awhile. I promised myself to never be cynical. And I'm not. I have a big heart.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Truth

"I know that I am nothing to you. So whenever I start to second guess my thoughts I remind myself. It's comforting. There is no ambiguity, really."

Damnit you write so well.

the_loser's picture

thanks ._. stream of

thanks ._. stream of consciousness <3