depressed and alone

artsguy's picture

So my last few journal entries have been about me being depressed and what not. I'd love to say it's getting better, and some days i feel like it is...but as of right now, I just feel lost in life...and alone in life. I'm in the middle of a big change as I'll be re-entering school in the fall, and it's making me look at myself and how i want to be viewed and how I want to act, which is to be myself. This means telling people I'm gay. However...it is so hard to even fathom me telling my friends let alone my family. In terms of where to say it, how to say it, how to start saying it. And i know everyone always says there's no rush and when you feel comfortable to tell people you will, it's just....one part of me is like pushing its way trying to get out and to just tell everyone i'm gay. The other part of me is just that scared, depressed, nervous person who is telling me that i'm an idiot and i should be embarrassed and i'm not worthy for a good/ happy life. Unfortunately this is because of my stupid father who would call me gay when i was little and make it seem like it was the biggest of sins. I know i cant tell anyone until i can at least be happy and comfortable telling myself, except it's too hard to get my fathers words out of my head...

I dont really know why i'm posting this on here to be honest, i just know that this is a safe enough environment to where i can just write out my feelings and hopefully get responses to help me out or even just to talk to other people on here. Sometimes just talking to people is good...and i honestly feel like i have no one to talk to..in both the general sense, and in terms of being gay
every day just feels like a struggle...and now that i think about it, thats probably just the depression talking...nonetheless, coming out is still hard on it's own and some comments would be greatly appreciated...thanks

Comments

jeff's picture

To clarify...

Being gay isn't a struggle. Being closeted is a struggle.

You don't have to have the massive coming out moment, necessarily. You can just start school out, if that's what you want. Just don't censor yourself. If anyone ever asks if you're gay, say yes. If you're around friends and you see a hot guy walk by, say damn, I really need to get a boyfriend already. So, instead of coming out, just be out.

I do admit that you are right, though. You need to be beyond comfortable with yourself before you start telling others. There is a chance your father called you gay because he detected something. Maybe you didn't read like other boys and that concerned him, since he lacked knowledge about sexuality (since straight people often don't have introspection about their sexuality: if you're a boy and you end up liking girls, there's little to think about), so his fear had him try and steer you to the straight side. And, instead, he just tormented his gay son? Then again, I don't know him, he could just be an asshole... or religious.

But you know deep down there is nothing wrong with you. That you are normal. That you need to get to a place where you are cherished and loved, both from within, and by someone else. And the people you lose in your life (if at all) when you come out, are a gift, since you eliminate in one swoop all of the people who weren't truly there for you. It could take years to sort them out otherwise.

But unless you have information to the contrary, assume your father said what he said our of fear and not hatred. A parent wants their kid to be loved and not face difficulty, and to succeed. And he may see being gay as a barrier to those things. But instead of showing you that he would be there to support you no matter who you grew up to be, he may have thought he could nudge you back over to the straight side. Keep in mind, there's no class to become a parent. It's just made-up as they go. So, see if there's a way to recast what he said as concern, and maybe that will give you an easier time with it. Then again, as previously stated, he could be an asshole. And, there's plenty of evidence of asshole fathers coming around to accept their gay kids, too.

In any event, no need to apologize for posting this here. It's why the site exists. There are good people on here who can be your virtual support system, until you start building one in real life. We'll help you get through this...

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"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

artsguy's picture

Thank you

Thank you Jeff, everything you said is so true and i really appreciate it all. Unfortunately my father really was just a complete and utter asshole who made fun of me and verbally abused me endlessly..calling me gay was only one of the things he'd say. But moving on, you're absolutely right...I will try and just start school out..although it is tough in terms of being out with people i've known for so long in my life..i will try. Hopefully in doing so, it will help me become more comfortable with myself so i will eventually find a boyfriend...as I've not once had anything close to a relationship.
Once again I really do appreciate your reply, and this site is a great help and 'friend' when no one else is there to talk to :)

jeff's picture

Oh well...

Too bad about Dad. I always try and give parents the benefit of the doubt...

Just think it through as far as how you go into school. It is often very hard to un-come out. So, if you think you need to do more work in the self-acceptance part and really learning to love who you are, then put it off until you're sure.

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

Bosemaster42's picture

Hey,

you are certainly welcome to pm me or anyone else if you need someone to talk to. I'm not constantly online, but I always check in here periodically.

artsguy's picture

Thanks

I really appreciate it :)

ElsaGabor's picture

Well,

Jeff pretty much said anything that I wanted to say (:p), but as Bosemaster said, feel free to p.m. me if you need someone to vent to :)

jeff's picture

Dude...

This was up for an hour and 11 minutes before I replied. You had your window. ;-)

---
"You can judge the whole world on the sparkle that you think it lacks" - Dawes, When My Time Comes (http://youtu.be/Z0FrcTX6hWI)

artsguy's picture

thanks

I really appreciate it :)

poetic_star's picture

I know how it feels

Hi there :) I just want to say that I know how you feel, even though I came out awhile ago. But I grew up in a homophobic household and I know how those slurs can stay in your memory for a long time and can really be damaging, especially when you're a kid. I wasn't strong enough back then to stand up for myself and I don't know if this is really helping you or not but I just want you to know that I think you deserve to be happy and have good experiences, despite what your father ever told you because our sexual preferences do not undermine our talents or intelligence in any way. And you can show your father what a gifted person you are despite what he made you out to be. These days I'm also feeling lonely and depressed because unfortunately, there aren't any LGBT groups close to my area but if it's okay, I would like to talk to you more :) Take care.

artsguy's picture

thanks

Thanks so much for the comment. It really is a tough thing to get over because you're right, it stays in your memory a long time. But i'm trying everyday to tell myself that i deserve to be happy (though things are finally starting to feel a bit better). I agree though, it doesn't undermine our talents or anything else ...I really appreciate what you wrote, it means a lot. Also...I don't think i'll ever be able to show my father what kind of a person i turned out to be (with no thanks to him) mostly because I emailed him pretty much blaming him for everything and he answered with he wont ever 'bother' me again. ..not much of a loss though.
Sorry for taking so long to answer, i don't check this site as often as i'd like to but i would like to talk to you more as well :) ..and i'd love to be able to help (or at least try) since you said you're also feeling depressed/ lonely. I know how awful that feels...so if i can help in any way i'd love to :)